Wants To Help

[Wants To Help]

A spark and a connection is not a bad thing at all, as long as we take our time and don’t rush in to something and then stay in it longer than we should when we use the ‘connection’ to overrule the negative traits.

One thing I learned recently was “don’t let someone’s attributes blind you from the value they bring to your life.”

I recently dated a great guy for some months whose attributes were that he was gorgeous, had a great job, had his own car and flat, didn’t have kids or pets (so no ties to anything and absolute freedom to date me), he didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs, didn’t gamble – basically he ticked all my boxes of what I thought I wanted. We had a connection and chemistry, but in reality he didn’t bring any value to my life because he couldn’t show emotion or feelings and I started to feel very insecure and anxious. He couldn’t read my body language or facial expressions, he couldn’t pick up on any cues to comfort me. I had a bereavement when I was dating him and he never once asked how I was!! He could not meet my emotional needs at all so I ended it and was absolutely gutted to have to end it. However, if I didn’t end it then this would have led to what we know to be an ’emotionally abusive’ relationship. I should have ended the relationship sooner but I made allowances for his autism.

So this is where you now need to get savvy and be firm with your boundaries of what you can or can’t, will or won’t tolerate in a man when in the early stages of dating. Don’t overlook things now in the ‘hope’ that they will improve over time.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Footballfan1,

I remember when you first came on this forum and I have to say you have done amazingly well in your journey of Recovery since then. You also give wonderful advice to others.

From recognising your abusive relationship to knowing you needed to get out of it, to getting out of it, then having all of the ongoing threats, troubles, fears and issues after ending it to now getting to this point is fantastic. Every negative action your ex has given you you have countered it with a positive one, and this continuing positive action has now got you to where you are today 🙂 No matter how hard it has been for you, you never let him grind you down (I know he probably did but you didn’t let him see that he did!)

You appear to have done everything asked of you by the professionals, you sought advice, you took it, you called the police when things got too out of control for you to handle (which is the point when most of us call the police) and you stood your ground and saw it through. In times of despair and adversity you held your head high and did what you had to do in order to get to where you are now. I know how hard this has been for you. Never underestimate yourself and what you are capable of. Your journey is a fantastic inspiration to many of the ladies on here who will read it. I admire how you have coped and managed.

I wish you every happiness for you and your children going forward.

xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Orchid7,

Well done for getting out there and dipping your toe in the pool of dating again. I’ve been where you are and for many years never got past date one for the same reasons.

Trusting your gut is the right thing to do here. Date One is all about meeting someone for a chat and thinking to yourself “Do I like this person enough to meet up with them again?” Date One is not about thinking if this person is going to be your next serious relationship. If there are things arising from Date One that makes you think this person is not on your wave length, doesn’t speak respectfully about other people, doesn’t give off the right vibes for you etc and you don’t feel you have enough in common or have got on well enough to want to meet up with them again then you don’t meet up with them again.

There is a book I often recommend on here called It’s Just A Date by Greg Behrendt and it tells you all about the ‘rules of dating’ but is written in a comical yet serious way. I call this my ‘dating bible’. I would strongly recommend you either buy or borrow this book if you are now seriously looking at dating again.

Setting healthy boundaries for ourselves in any relationship is very important. It seems like this guy has already breached your boundaries by contacting you and asking to see you again despite you telling him you don’t want to. That is a red flag. Sometimes we make the mistake of being flattered by someone who is persistent with us and take this as a sign that someone really likes us, but this shows more about their neediness and insecurity than their respect for our boundaries.

It seems to me like you are trusting your gut here, move on to the next guy for Date One and don’t go on Date Two with this one!

xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Pinkvelvet,

Have you heard of something called ‘attachment styles’?

Often when people have trauma wounds, particularly around being neglected, rejected, abandoned, abused etc they develop an unhealthy attachment style to new relationships in order to help protect themselves from being hurt again. One of these is a ‘fearful avoidant’ attachment style and it’s one of self sabotage. A ‘fearful avoidant’ wants to find love and wants to be with someone but deep down they feel that any relationship they do have will not last and so they find ways to run from it and potentially end it before they get too attached and hurt again. What could be triggering you is that he seems too good to be true and you are worried it will all come crashing down around you and you’ll be left devastated.

There are lots of videos on YouTube about this and it’s worth taking a look and seeing how you can make changes to yourself by recognising this and finding ways to learn to have a ‘secure attachment’ style.

Good luck with your new guy, it’s sounding promising for you so far and if you are recognising you are self sabotaging you can turn this around 🙂

[Wants To Help]

Hi,

I tried to leave. I did what I thought was the right thing, I talked to him, told him why the relationship wasn’t working, that I was moving out and when. That was the worst thing I did. Because he was an abuser he upped tactics and disappeared with our son for a period of time. When I got my son back I then escaped.

It’s been said on here many a time, you can’t leave an abuser, you have to escape.

My escape was sudden, a window of opportunity arose that I took. I couldn’t have planned it in my wildest dreams and it was so out of character for me. After my escape it involved court procedures, my abusive ex didn’t see our son for many months. Those months apart helped me to get stronger for the bigger fight to come.

Prepare to escape, not leave, he’ll never let you leave.

xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I understand your pain and loneliness, it’s a place I have been to too, many times.

Your life will get better, maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will in time. It will be better for not having abuse in it, or violence, or day to day fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Your anxiety will start to lift. It will be better because your children will become more at ease having a calmer home life. ‘Better’ does not necessarily mean you will find happiness, contentment or an amazing man who will be all the things your abusive ex wasn’t. ‘Better’ does not mean you will not be lonely at times or sad.

Sitting and wishing for a better past is of no help to any of us. We can’t undo it or change it no matter how hard we want to. The life you built with your ex was not amazing or content, you are clinging on to the occasional times where you may have felt that way, but the reality was something very different, otherwise he would not be in prison for abusing you.

He has gone from your life at this time and you can’t have contact. Don’t underestimate how hard that is, it’s like a living bereavement for you. He’s gone, you want answers that you can’t get, you want promises he won’t keep, you want a life with him that was never possible, you want hope for a different future with him, and all of this continuously churns around in our minds day and night. It is all-consuming and affects our waking day and causes sleepless nights. There are some aspects of your relationship with him that you have lost all control of, but you haven’t lost control of your own life.

Some abusers can change, but it’s very, very rare. In order to change they have to admit to themselves they are abusive and violent. It’s one thing to admit to violence because they were ‘provoked’ by something we had or hadn’t done – therefore, not taking responsibility for their actions, it’s another thing to take responsibility for what they have done and how they behave. If he’s in prison he will have time to reflect on this, he will have the option to talk to some of the professionals inside and get some help. He will have time to work on himself during your time apart and come out a different man if HE WANTS TO. All of that is outside of your control or influence, even if you were able to ask him to do it.

What is in your control is how YOU now act and behave. We all have the choice to fight against what is happening and how things actually are, thus creating more pain and suffering, or embrace our circumstances and bring forward courage, understanding and wisdom. Life changes constantly and many things happen that are outside of our control, but the most powerful thing we have is choosing how we are going to respond to these moments. Use this forced time apart to educate yourself on domestic abuse. As others have said, seek professional help, read up, watch videos on YouTube, do things for yourself that he would not have allowed or have been pleased about, catch up with friends, do some exercise to boost your mental health, do things with your children that won’t cost a penny – give them your time and attention without distraction – it will mean the world to them.

Your children will be OK if you are OK. My son was 2 when I left his abusive Dad and he is now an adult. He is currently visiting his Dad for the first time in several years (he cut ties with him all by himself some years ago due to his Dad’s behaviour and attitude towards him.) This is the first time in his life he has had time with his Dad as an adult and is no longer under any control at all. We had a chat the other day and he told me they’re getting on OK so far but his Dad has still tried to put him down and insulted his appearance, his hair style choice, his clothes etc. He’s told me he can still understand why I left him and he’s glad I did. When he was a teenager he thanked me for leaving him because he’d seen the life his Dad’s other children had who were living with him and he didn’t want that for himself and said that he’d seen the life he’d have had if I’d have stayed. In fact, his younger brothers are now taking the mickey out of his hair style because they are copying what his Dad is saying.

Use this forum to build friendships with people who understand. I have made a few good friends from here over the years and we are going for a hotel spa break next week. We are all DA survivors but we still have our struggles in life, it’s just the struggles no longer involve abusive men.

You are in the very early days of Recovery here, this journey is never easy, it takes years (sorry that may not be what you want to hear but it’s true – we don’t get over this overnight.) Often things get worse before they get better, but they will, it’s that old cliche… time.

A positive quote to think about is the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

In the meantime, acknowledge your feelings, your hurt, your pain, let it out, scream, cry, sob, have pyjama mornings feeling sorry for yourself then have a shower and get dressed. Even if you still stay at home sad, get yourself dressed. In the coming days do one positive thing at least, you have to, it’s survival.

Over a decade post abuse I hardly ever think about my ex, I’ve never regretted leaving him, my son has grown up in an abuse free home. BUT, my life is not perfect, I’ve still not met anyone to share it with and there are times it’s very lonely. However, it’s a damn site better than what it would have been if I’d have stayed with the ex.

xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Put the kettle on,

I agree with Footballfan1, zero contact is the only way through this to start healing.

I have learned this week about something called Limerence, which is a bit akin to Trauma Bonding, but Limerence is about becoming obsessed with someone and imagining them to be what we want them to be instead of seeing what they really are.

Constantly contacting someone who is not responding to us is not healthy. We believe that if we continue to reach out, tell them we love them, want them, how good we can be for them etc will finally make them realise ‘the truth’ – and that we are indeed what they need! But if we flip this in reverse and we had someone contacting us who we did not wish to hear from we would become wary, annoyed, even scared, because this person was just not getting the message that we weren’t interested. We would start to feel thankful that we ended the relationship for various reasons. Constantly contacting someone who isn’t responding is harassment/stalking.

You are more than likely trying to seek some closure from him, but we can never get closure from an abusive relationship. Not getting closure makes an ending harder to bear, and the only way through it is to work our way through the pain, one day at a time and research why we feel this way. There are explanations to help us understand our feelings.

I feel for you going through this, it’s not easy I know. Every time you feel like contacting him make a conscious effort to stop and ask yourself what you are hoping to achieve from it. Instead, work on your own healthy boundaries and self esteem and watch some videos on YouTube how to do this. I’ve been doing that myself this week – it does help 🙂

xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi lostinagoodbook,

I know this feeling that you are going through and you are not going mad. Losing someone from our life that we had some hope and dreams with really hurts.

I believe the answer to your situation lies in dealing with the pain of your childhood. Doing some work on your ‘inner child’ is the way forward for you here so that you can learn to heal.

The way you feel about yourself is all connected to those feelings of rejection and neglect and abuse as a child.

I am going to suggest some things for you to research to help you understand this a little better.

The good thing you have described here is that you are acknowledging the difference between fact and fiction. The facts are:

You don’t love him, you know the relationship is unhealthy (whether abusive or incompatibility, it is not meeting your needs), and you ended it.

The fiction here is that you are now feeling he had abandoned and rejected you, perhaps because he is not contacting you and fighting for you. Perhaps he has accepted and respected your decision to end the relationship, perhaps it’s because he also acknowledges it wasn’t working. I am in the same place as you at the moment. I ended a short relationship with a lovely guy very recently because of incompatibility and how these incompatibilities were making me feel insecure and anxious. He’s also accepted the relationship is over, he’s not contacted me, not fought to keep me, and yes, it hurts, it makes us feel in some way that we are not worthy if someone is happy to walk away from us so easily – but that is fiction. We are worthy, sometimes, some people are just not for us.

My boyfriend also had some issues and I wanted to help him through them. However, he wasn’t bothered about these issues and he wasn’t prepared to tackle them himself. For me to insist on him sorting them out or taking them on for him (under the guise of helping him) was Co-Dependency. Yes, I wanted to help him, and if he’d have asked for my help it would have been given 100%, but he never asked. I started to recognise that I was shifting my boundaries in order for this relationship to continue and in the process it was making me anxious. Mine was not an abusive relationship on this occasion but the feelings it was giving me were the same as I had in my abusive relationship. The reality is that I should have ended it sooner than I did, but I’m only human and the fact that I liked someone very much and was attracted to him started to cloud my judgement.

You have done the right thing by ending your relationship, but now the panic and fear of being alone again is setting in and you are starting to doubt your decision. You are wondering if he wasn’t really that bad, whether you should have given it a bit more time, whether perhaps you could have tolerated stuff a bit more? But the truth in your logical brain is telling you that you don’t love him and you ended this for a reason. This could all be down to your fear of being abandoned and alone again.

What I have learned about over this past few weeks is something called Limerence.
Limerence is when we start to obsess over someone who is not in our life and we start to live in a fantasy world of what they are like. We project our idealistic view of who we want them to be instead of seeing them for who they really are. Have a read or watch some YouTube videos on Limerence.

Also have a read about anxious attachment styles. Again, there are some great videos about this on YouTube. Also watch some videos on Co-Dependency and learn about what this is. When we fear being abandoned or rejected we often choose people who have issues too so that we can help them and be there for them and hope we become indispensable to them so that they won’t leave us. That is not a healthy relationship to have.

Finally, there is a great book called Home Coming by John Bradshaw that is about dealing with our pain from our childhood and dealing with our ‘inner child’. This is something I’m having to face at the moment too, and I had no idea!

Every day we learn something new. I am well over a decade out of my abusive relationship and thought I was well in to Recovery and ready to face a new relationship with a non abusive man. Little did I know that dating an incompatible man would resurrect negative feelings and unhelpful behaviours, and I am finally having to face my hurt inner child and acknowledge some deep pain and abuse from my childhood. Until I work through this I believe it will continue to affect me in future relationships. I am needing to re-think my boundaries. My self esteem is quickly picking back up, and by facing all this I know I am going to be stronger going forward than I was just a few months ago (and I thought I was pretty self assured a few months ago!)

So, yes, I do understand you, I feel your pain and hurt. You are not going mad.

In a nutshell look up

Co-Dependency
Anxious Attachment Styles
Limerence
Inner Child Healing

You will get through this and you will form healthy boundaries 🙂

xx

[Wants To Help]

So further reflecting on my situation…

For the first time in a long time I met someone where I let my guard down. I started to believe someone good had come in to my life and that this could be ‘something’. Someone good had come in to my life, but that didn’t mean he was good for me long term. We had some great times. (I also had some great times with my abusive ex.)

At the point I realised this man and I were not fully compatible I didn’t want to give up on what we had. Why? Because I thought that being happy some of the time with someone was better than being happy some of the time on my own. I’m like any other woman – I have my vulnerabilities, I get lonely, I didn’t want to give up this happiness that I had found, but at the same time, the unhappiness that started to creep in when I felt unattractive and insecure in the relationship started to mess with my MH.

Had I have carried on with the relationship and said nothing about my concerns then I’m pretty sure I would still be with him now and I would have been developing anxious attachment disorders, and these are not healthy for either person in the relationship.

We really need to work on ourselves, get to know ourselves and understand ourselves. We are worthy of loving and being loved and we also need to know when we have to give up on loving someone who is not good for our physical or mental well being. That applies to abusive and non abusive relationships.

Today is an easier day for me, I’m still sad, but each day I move further forward from what we had and put more distance between it. I find the expression ‘moving forward’ more helpful than ‘moving on’ because to me, moving on is dismissing the relationship like it never mattered to me. It mattered to me very much, but still, it had to end for my own sanity.

I hope this helps someone else consider their relationship situation, whether you are considering it to be abusive or not.

xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Pinkheart,

This post has just caught my eye at the right time as I am in a very similar situation.

Several months ago I met a guy naturally at a social event and we exchanged numbers for professional reasons. As we were in contact to (detail removed by moderator) things started to get chatty and friendly and we ended up going on a date. We got on great and started dating. He never love bombed me, was never inappropriate or vulgar, never showed any signs of jealousy or aggressiveness. He was respectful of my life and independence and everything is going well – in his mind anyway!

Within a few weeks of dating he did tell me some personal things about himself with regards to his feelings and emotions and sex drive and I have now realised he is on the Autistic spectrum and he has acknowledged this. I have done a lot of research on this and I do see how Asperger’s affects people and how it affects men in particular. We have gone beyond ‘dating’ and are now ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’. In my own mind, we are not ‘in a relationship’ as it is too soon for that to be established after just a few months and we are both still getting to know each other. Although we are ‘committed’ to each other and not dating or looking to date anyone else we are not ‘committed’ for life. So I have to weigh up where this is going… and I fully understand where you are coming from because it’s really hard isn’t it?

I like my guy very much. I’m not in love with him but I do really like him. There are things about him that are great and we do have lots to talk about, lots of common interests, he’s reliable and turns up on time and he’s happy to go along with things that I plan. However, he never plans anything or initiates anything at all and seeing each other is always down to me. He never shows affection, never compliments me, never initiates sex, however, he’ll respond if I do. He has told me he can’t express feelings at all, he can’t read my body language, he can’t pick up on how I am feeling. I have tried to have a ‘talk’ with him about my wants and needs, but this has caused him anxiety and he has gone in to ‘shut down’. Thankfully I understand that this is part of his ASD and I have not taken it personally, but without this awareness I would have done and I would have taken it as rejection. None of what he is doing is his fault, and he isn’t doing/not doing anything on purpose to make me feel crap, but as things go on I am feeling crap. So I’m coming to the realisation that as much as I like him and he’s a great guy he is not the guy for me due to incompatibility in some areas.

Being on this forum and being very DA aware has enabled me to realise that trying to make a relationship work that is clearly not working will eventually lead to frustration, resentment, bitterness, hurt, anger, turmoil etc, all of which makes us feel hurt, unwanted, unloved/unlovable, lonely. This leads to toxic love – a love that is very one sided from our perspective which is where we continue to do more and more for the person we like/love in the hope that eventually they will love us back the way we love them, but it is fruitless. For whatever reason, if they don’t love us or are incapable of showing us love how we want it to be shown, we are doomed for unhappiness.

A few days ago I read this on another site about unhealthy relationships…

We doubt our own judgement sometimes just for the sake of being nice. Who’s ever had the following thoughts?
He is such a [insert negative word here] sometimes but I’m sure I can manage it and maybe they are just mentally unwell and need someone to give the love and support they need to get better, besides, who else is going to want me any time soon if I leave now. I don’t want to be lonely and disappointed again, so I’ll give this a few more weeks to see if things get any better… and then X amounts of weeks, months or years later … BOOM, we are stuck in a co-dependent, narcissistic abusive relationship!

Prior to meeting him I was fine by myself and living a great life with no insecurities apparent. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and it took me by surprise how we met, actually, I loved the fact that I met someone naturally when I wasn’t even looking for anyone. The fact that this man is not showing me the emotional support that I need in a relationship is now making me feel a bit crap. I know he is not going to change going forward no matter how much time I give this. I know that I will always have to tell him what I want from him and he won’t be able to show this naturally and if I’m totally honest with myself then it’s not something I’ll be happy with long term. Although I am posting this on a DA forum I want to make it absolutely clear that this man in NOT abusive in any way at all, he is lovely, which is why I am going to find it so hard in doing what I know I need to do. I am going to have to walk away from someone who I like, who I have some lovely times with, who I will miss very much. I can’t settle for what he has to offer me because ultimately this will destroy me and affect my self confidence and self worth. I’ve done this in my past when I was much younger – I’ve settled for men who are not right for me because I haven’t wanted to be on my own, and one of those relationships went on to be abusive and violent. I have to acknowledge the truth here and make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes from the past and end up ‘stuck’ in something with this man that is never going to lead to complete happiness and my needs fulfilled.

Telling him it’s over and knowing I’m not going to see him again is not going to be easy, but it’s something that is going to have to be done, typing this out now has made me see that.

Big hugs to you Pinkheart, I know how this feels.

xx

[Wants To Help]

I don’t know why the font after the bold type has gone in to italics, that is not intentional.

[Wants To Help]

Hi HereforHelp,

The new women we become are stronger because of what we went through. We never fully recover but we can live a great life in Recovery.

It’s so lovely to read your transformation as I remember your first posts on here and how much you were struggling to leave… and now you are soaring 😁

[Wants To Help]

Hi HereForHelp,

Thank you so much. If my post has helped you end something that wasn’t feeling right I’m so pleased that my situation has helped someone else. We have to listen to our gut and go with it don’t we. 🙂

[Wants To Help]

Thank you nbumblebee. I don’t feel brave and courageous at the moment because I am still missing him, however, I do realise I am missing the hopes and dreams of what this could have been. My logical brain and emotional brain were having a fight (the cognitive dissonance at work!) for a while but I had to allow my logical brain to win. From reading your latest updates I see that you are getting stronger and you are now allowing yourself to accept your husband is abusive. You are making so much progress.

[Wants To Help]

Thank you TW, I know I’ll be okay some time soon. I’m glad I had several months with a non abusive man and there are some happy memories 🙂

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