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    • #44190
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      I watched it too and was disgusted.

      I can’t really say much but I drew a lot of parallels to my own situation but thankfully for me, the police did listen it’s going to court in the near future.

    • #43854
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Whendoesitend, I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience what many of us on here have experienced as well. I would just like to reiterate everything SunshineRainflower wrote. None of this is your fault and your ex will never change.

      Up until last year, the person I was with seemed so charming, kind, caring, funny. He gave me the emotional aspects of a relationship that I had lacked my whole life but he used and manipulated my vulnerability because I was very young when this started (basically the relationship wasn’t even legal). He then slowly changed his tune and started blaming me for EVERYTHING and I mean everything : my thoughts, his thoughts, my behaviour, his behaviour, the behaviour of others…it sounds ridiculous now but I just believed eveything he told me. He was a complete control freak. Yet despite all this, I still wanted to start a family with him because I would deny what was actually happening to me and just focus on the positive parts of the relationship.

      Remember that pics on Facebook only show what people want the world to see. Therefore it isn’t a reality. Your ex may seem happy with his new partner and baby but this is just a facade: an image of a supposed happy and secure relationship. I can guarentee you this isn’t the case and unfortunately for his new partner and baby, they will suffer with the abuse that will inevitable come if it hasn’t already unless they get away.

      What we’ve experienced is traumatic bonding where the person who is providing you love is also the person abusing that love as well. It’s all about power and control for them. Nothing else. It was hard for me to accept this but I eventually saw that he didn’t really love me, he just wanted power over me. He didn’t want to ‘protect’ me, he wanted to control me. Obsession and possession is not love at all. For so long the person I was with made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t do anything right in his eyes. I was constantly crtiticied for things – which he would claim he was just pointed out things to “improve” me as a person and “develop into the best person I could be” because he loved me so much and other people don’t tell me these things because they don’t love or care for me. I would constantly doubt myself (and still largely do so it has had a long lasting effect).

      I too am so grateful that I didn’t have children with this person. I made a complete u-turn in my way of thinking its actually amazing because I went from wanting a baby with him because I loved him (or believed I loved him) so much, to not wanting him to be anywhere near me now. Having children with him would have been the end of me. I also thought that having children would change him and he would stop being so abusive. I have come to the realisation that this is not the case and from what I’ve read from other women’s experiences and from books, they can get worse. You’re effectively bound to him though any children you may have in some way.

      Really I could write so much more but just know that none of this is your fault, you are much better off without him, you are safer not being with him (I also thought I was largely safe with my previous partner despite him being otherwise but human psychology is a fascinating thing), what you are feeling is very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. It will get better in time, trust me on that one but it won’t be easy and don’t suppress your emotions, they are there to help you through this.

      Hugs xx

    • #43853
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Serenity that was so eloquently put and I agreed with every single word that you have written. At first my new found freedom was a bit overwhelming and I was a quite scared of being in control of my own destiny so to speak as a was so used to somebody else dictating my life and living up to the unrealistic and unhealthy standards of abusers It’s such a wonderful feeling to have the freedom and liberty that should have been there from the beginning anyway and to choose things that you want to do and learn so much in the process. It certainly does get better with time and for me I appreciate every little thing that happens to me. I have never felt this happy and its such a wonderful feeling.

    • #26488
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Roll It Gal – Alison Hinds

      “…Independent and ya strong gal
      And you set di pace
      Fit and healthy living long gal

      Free yourself gal, you got class and you got pride
      Come together cause we stronger unified”

    • #44191
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you SunshineRainflower. Glad to hear you’re also progressing with your course too. We won’t let them get in our way! I can’t wait till I start uni when I do – it’s been my lifelong dream.

    • #34226
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thanks so much Serenity.

      I disclosed to police what had happened to me because I knew I wouldn’t get full support from my family. I thought I was recovering quite well starting college and all and then this happens and it reinforces my sense of shame and guilt and makes me feel like I was to blame. Your words make sense to me though.

      Thank you.

    • #32759
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you so much Positiveandlookingahead. I’m so grateful for this opportunity because it really feels like I’m moving forward with my life. I’ve literally taken my life back into my own hands.

    • #32749
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you so much Suntree!

    • #32748
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Yes KIP knowledge certainly is power and I am really enjoying college at the moment. Did you enroll onto the part-time introduction to councelling course?

    • #32747
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you so much Falling Skys. College, although sometimes challenging, is great! I’m so grateful.

    • #32746
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you so much Shelly. Although the workload is alot, I am relishing this opportunity and would rather this than living with abuse every day of the week. I am grateful for everyday I have now that is free from abuse.

    • #32744
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you lover of no contact. I am embracing the new challenges that college brings but I love it because it’s far from the life I lived before where I was suffocated and under constant surveillance by him, not being able to continue to earn or learn and being totally reliant on him. No more. I love the freedom and have totally taken my life back into my hands which I am absolutely loving – free from abuse.

    • #32743
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you Serenity and well done to you. I also hope to achieve the same – invest in myself in terms of furthering my education in order to get a secure job so that I can support myself.

    • #32742
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you Ayanna. The majority of women have to put up with a lot of s*** but this is in no way going to deter me from reaching my goals and achieving my dreams like I let him do before.

    • #32741
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      Thank you so much. Although challenging, I’m enjoying college so much – it helps me see that I’m progressing and moving forward with my life.

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