Whenwillifindhappiness

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Sending hugs.
We have all been in your situation hunny. I took my ex back loads of times because like you say they knock you down to practically nothing and they make you believe you can’t live without them. It’s good that you have realised it is abusing you so don’t be so harsh on yourself, look up trauma bonding this will explain that great urge to be with him. You say he goes away for weeks/months? Again another form of control, my ex used to leave me days with no knowledge of where he was even though we had a baby at the time. All I did was cry and cry wondering what he was doing, scared he hurt himself when actually he was just getting drunk with his friends. I look back now and I see how much better I am without him. You are strong enough you just need a lot of support behind you. Get as much information about his behaviour and understand what he is doing. Please give the number a call. Talking to someone really helps. Xx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Oh yeah of course they do. They know we would kill for our children, they know the love we have for them is unbreakable so they can say anything about the children or even too them to again make us feel terrible. My ex said I’ve ruined they’re life too, they will hate me once they know what I’ve done, they love him more then me etc even though it’s lies and we know it’s lies deep down it still hurts. They don’t care about anyone apart from themselves and will say anything. My ex wouldn’t leave me alone regarding the children, I said the only way you will see them is court. It was email after email about the kids non stop. As soon as I got the non molestation it stopped and not once has he attempted to go to court about the children, not once. That just proves everything to me. He can pay for drugs and (detail removed by Moderator) but not a single penny of maintenance or court. They are vile and my children will know exactly what he was like and if they decide they want to ever meet him I won’t stop them but I will be very honest with them xx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Wow these creatures really are all the same same. Mine contacted my previous ex too and tried to make out I was mental unstable. He’s also contacted my new partners ex girlfriend. They have no shame what so ever. They don’t care cos again it’s feeding them,supplying their happiness. I felt the same as you and it did get worse he contacted my neighbour and she believed all his lies and turned on me also and I’m currently in refuge. You just need to stay strong come off all social media and report anything. My non molestation ends in a matter of weeks and I’m starting to feel petrified. I’m a very sensitive person and the mental abuse affects me terribly and he knows this. Just hope he’s moved on to his next supply. Your not alone. And anyone who is a true friend or family member will see through his lies. Xx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Thank you. I know me and my children are safe but I just feel so lost and alone. Feel like they have taken my money which I know I owed them but I had a payment plan set up, took the money and thought nah you can’t have it anyway. I’ve even spoke to my support workers and they are finding it difficult to actually help me because of all the misleading information I have been given from different departments.

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Sorry I don’t have any answers but would like to invade this thread so someone could tell me too. Again he would not let me change my child’s name because he too sees it as a label but he hasn’t seen him and won’t be for the foreseeable future

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Don’t get me wrong you will get your down days but keep posting keep talking about your feelings with others and that feeling will soon go. I was ringing woman’s aid nearly every night because I knew I had to stay strong and I’m so glad I did. Your not alone don’t forget that xxxx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Wow reading your posts sci-figirl was like looking back on my past!!!
My ex was exactly the same and I did the same as you took him back over and over again and it just got worse each time. Constantly doubting yourself thinking it ain’t that bad or you’ve made your bed now lay in it but please please believe me when I say it will get better it truely will.
I’ve been split from my ex now (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve finally stopped missing him and finally stopped letting him control my emotions. Your first step is to accept the abuse and realise what he has potentially done to you then you can recover. It’s a hard long road but it’s so worth it. This Xmas was about me and the kids. Not worried about where he’s been all night. Not worried about Waking him up cos he’s in bed all day. Not worried about visiting family. Not worried about pleasing him just like a child. You can do this. My ex got with someone else very quick and it killed me but now I couldn’t give a shit. I’m glad he’s with someone else now. And I promise you will feel like that too if you stay strong!!!

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

But yes popilol I have always answered no to sexual abuse but in reality I have experienced it. When people say sexual abuse u imagine the most extreme but it’s on such a bigger scale. I’m teaching my children from a young age about abuse and red flags because it needs to be taught.

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Yep dogging was always brought up. Ok I do have a high sex drive and it turnt me a little bit I don’t think I would ever go through with it. I like sex to be passionate and loving. When he used to do drugs he would seriously talk about it but I always said no. Later after we broke I found out he was meeting escorts and paying for sex. Again a clear sign of sexual abuse. It’s not about the sex with these men it’s about the control and obviously the release of their sexual needs but mainly control. It got to point where I was faking my orgasms just to please him. I even confused my own sexuality because I was watching girl on girl porn myself and they were so passionate with each other and I was more turned on by them then him. Since we have split I have not watched porn once

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

My ex used to watch open every chance he could get even whilst sitting on the toilet doing a number 2. So I asked nicely as to why he would do that and his response was “it’s just like you watching your soaps but I watch porn”. I once checked his history and it was girls in their teens very skinny figures being dominated, yet he told me he loved bigger woman. All so very strange now I look back.
Also in the beginning it was about pleasuring each other then towards the end he wouldn’t even touch me down there at all. I had to do oral on him then straight into sex with no arousing on my part. He would cum then go to sleep. I also had to be shaved down there otherwise he would say I don’t take care of myself etc and if I shaved more he would do more oral on me. Did he fuck. Just more control and bullying. Ewwwww feel sick thinking about it all now lol

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

I know exactly what you mean. Exactly the same happened to me and he even manipulated the social worker and I was just sat there like an empty shell staring into space while they both agreed I need mental health support to which then I believed I was mentally ill. Domestic abuse needs to be taught from a young age in schools etc this country still sees it as a taboo. I left the relationship this year and recovering from it is so overwhelming. Reading posts like this reminds me of the mental abuse I had and I’m not ALONE.

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Just a horrible weird feeling is t it. I suppose it’s all part of the recovery but I just want to understand what goes through his head but I suppose we never will. He could of sent a card to my mums etc just something but nothing and he really wonders why I refuse to let him see them? Nothing is about them. It’s all about how he’s feeling how he’s the victim. I’m not so sad about it now I’m more angry. The mixture of emotions we feel through this process is so overwhelming. The kids had a fantastic Christmas and that’s all that matters and in time when they understand and old enough I will be completely honest with them. Here’s to a happy abuse free 2019 xxxx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Nope they do not change. In my experience anyway. We went to couples counselling and he even manipulated the counseller. All the blame was put onto me and he ended up abusing further because I apparently lied to the counsellor. Counselling doesn’t get to root problem of these men it just helps with the surface problems.
We only had a handful of sessions and it made me feel awful and coincidentally he then used the counselling sessions (detail removed by Moderator) try make me out I’m p****o.
Obviously if he is truely willing to change then let him but please have an open mind about it

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Well done for posting!! He is most definitely abusing you. He’s blaming the abuse on the fact you “cheated” on him. If that was the case then he should have decided to not of got into a relationship with you. Your allowed to talk to who ever you want.
Please give the helpline a call they are fantastic at recognising and helpin you understand his abuse!!
No one should stop you from seeing your friends and make it a rule that is full on control of your social life. If you want to keep friends then meet your friends but unfortunately he’s made this difficult for you. The fav he has strangled you is serious!! My ex done that to me twice and police take that very serious as you could potentially lose your life. I don’t want to scare you but he is ruining your life. Please ring the helpline and get in contact with your local woman’s aid it’s the best thing I ever done. I’m currently in refuge and I have never felt so strong and happy. You can do this and keep posting!!!!!
Xxx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

I know I’m panicking and all the horrible memories are flooding back. I’m going to call my local woman’s aid tomorrow and get some advice for sure. I have a residency order for the children and he is not on my youngest birth certificate. To be honest I don’t think he will take me to court because he hasn’t in the past and doesn’t want to spend his money. My mind just gone into overdrive and thinking the judge will allow contact because they believe dads should be involved bla bla. I need to get some advice on where I stand. Surely it’s not good for the mental health of my children? But yes your right I need to step back and stop my mind from snow balling. Just hard isn’t it. Half of me I wanna ring him and give it to him but I would never give him the satisfaction and other half of me just wants to run.

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