Whoopsie

[Whoopsie]

Thanks for your replies ladies the support means a lot. I was having such a bad day yesterday, letting my emotions get the better of me. I’m trying to remember who I was before this relationship, what type of person I was before all this. She was strong and confident and she would of never have put up with half the stuff she did, if she hadn’t of been so broken down. It’s time to get back to that. I know in his twisted mind it will give him great satisfaction knowing I’m broken at home while he’s love bonding someone new. I’m not letting him win anymore.

I LOVE Dr Ramani, she has absolutely helped me so much through all of this. I was new to the world of narcissism but learning about it has made so many things make sense. I hope you’re ok getting tired. I’m here to listen if you need xx

[Whoopsie]

Hey speechlessmum

I’ve just been through the same thing recently. My ex abuser died recently too very suddenly. He was my kids dad. I was in complete shock at the beginning and a wave of guilt came over me because I’d wished him dead so many times before, but only because I wanted the abuse to stop. I felt bad for his family too, after everything he put me through I still rushed to help them cope with everything. While looking after our kids and consoling them.

On the other hand I feel resentful that I’m left to pick up the pieces yet again. I had only just began to get my life on track after the mess he left for me and the kids and I hated him for ruining that again. I was happy before he died but I’ve been depressed ever since and I don’t know why. He didn’t leave a will and I’ve had such a headache trying to sort everything out so that my kids aren’t left without money once again.

I resent the fact that he couldn’t stop being selfish enough to get his act together and be a better dad to his children knowing now how little time he had with them.

I feel bitter that I found out at the funeral he’d been paying for (detail removed by Moderator) for his new girlfriend when he’d cut my child support payments and cried crocodile tears to CSA saying he couldn’t afford to pay so much child support. It was so high because his arrears were so high from non payments.

But I had to stand at the funeral and keep a straight face when people gushed about what a great guy he was, how much he loved his children, while (detail removed by Moderator) clapped for the man who raped me and made me and his own children homeless and penniless, amongst a lot of other really horrible things. It was horrible.

Sorry if I’ve went off on one but there doesn’t seem to be many other ladies on here who have went through this and I just thought I’d let how I felt spill out in case you felt the same and because I feel I can vent here and people will understand. We’re always told not to speak I’ll of the dead but what if they almost ruined your life?

[Whoopsie]

I can think of an incident on holiday that sticks out in my mind. we paid to go on a (detail removed by Moderator) together, he was driving. He was going really really fast, I’ve been on (detail removed by Moderator) before and it wasn’t like this. The thud of the (detail removed by Moderator) hitting the water just wasn’t right. He was trying to show off. I told him I was scared and could he show down, he immediately got angry because I was ruining his fun. He told me I had to get off as I was ruining it for him. He drove me back to shore and dropped me off in front of everyone. I pretended like it was ok and I wanted to get off and let him enjoy it. It was only actually a long time after the holiday that I thought, me enjoying the (detail removed by Moderator) was as important as him, we’d paid for this together and I was made to get off. This behaviour was standard across the board tho! He came first. I don’t know how I stuck it for so long and didn’t realise what was happening at the time!!

He screamed at me at one point that ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ But it was our first holiday together as a couple so I said ‘considering this had happened with a few different partners did you ever think the problem may be you?’ He was actually lost for words!! I didn’t get many wins in that relationship but that was a small one!!

[Whoopsie]

I could of wrote all this too. I feel exactly the same way. I don’t know how much advice I can offer as I’m just new to all this myself and only very recently left the relationship but I hate the thought of you laying in bed crying yourself to sleep. I’ve been there so many times before and it’s not nice.

In my experience I was scared to leave as like you I’d been ground down so much I believed I’d never do any better and he was the best I could get. I was scared of what would happen if I left too because he’d told me he wouldn’t let anyone else have me. But in the end it was either stay stuck in this cycle forever and take a big leap of faith. In the end my gut did it for me. I automatically reacted to the last episode of abuse by just ending it. He’s done some nasty things to get at me since, he’s been horrible and cruel at time’s, but he was like that in the relationship too. We have to see these men for what they are and I know it’s hard. It’s not you. One hard thing I’ve had to learn is that no matter how much they tell you they love you, no one who loved you would leave you crying yourself to sleep at night. One other valuable pic ever of advice I say over and over in my mind when he makes me doubt myself is ‘just because he says it doesn’t make it true’. I bet you he’s told you loads of silly lies before, if he can lie about other things he can certainly stretch to lying to put you down. It’s hard for us to understand because we don’t think like them but You deserve so much more!

I cried every morning first thing for weeks. I cried even more that I was crying every morning!! There were so many nights I didn’t sleep a wink all night. I think I had some kind of a breakdown to be honest. It felt awful and it didn’t make sense because he was horrible and I didn’t want to be with him but then I read up about trauma bonds and everything made so much more sense. I don’t cry every day now, I don’t wake up thinking I’m worthless every day. Yes I have bad times but I can also see the good now. Now when I look back on it that really horrible phase didn’t even seem to last that long. I know I have a long way to go tho but I can feel a bit more life coming back in to me each day. I’d rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel like nothing and I really hope one day you get to that point too! They really do never change no matter how much they say they will and none of the abuse is your fault either.

I hope you got over to sleep ok xx

[Whoopsie]

Thanks for your reply balloons!

After my big speech up there about recognising abuse, I feel silly going to women’s aid for help because I compare my abuse to others and it doesn’t seem as bad. He would always tell me I was over reacting or it wasn’t as bad as I made out or it seemed. I suppose that part of being gaslit is still stuck in my mind. I’ll have to speak with my counsellor about that though.

I have had him blocked for months Everywhere and never unblocked Him. He reaches me by either just leaving a voicemail from his own number which is blocked so goes straight to voicemail, or occasionally he rings withheld. He left me alone for a few months and then I got a voicemail. He always knows the things to say to get my mind going and I see that now but couldn’t see it then, so I did call back after the first voicemail. He was basically offering closure and I thought that’s what I needed. He said he wanted to talk about how the relationship ended, I thought I’d get an apology. I ended up being gaslit even more and the blame was fully placed on me. I wish I hadn’t of bothered because I feel like it dragged me back in to another ‘cycle’. I feel silly for being dragged back in when I should of known better by this stage but I again was at a low point (I’m recovering from a sudden family bereavement during lockdown). I’m not allowed to say I’m at a low point tho or it’s ‘an excuse’. I feel like I can’t mention it, he never speaks about it, in fact it’s like it never happened. It’s not an excuse but that’s my reasoning and I wish I wasn’t so weak during those times but I’m going to try not get drawn in anymore, I’ve just been through so much recently it’s hard.

I think he’s started going for lunch near my home to check when I’m leaving the house. I have to pass that place to get anywhere. My local shop is there too. He tries to contact me more when he knows I’ve been out. But he also says his life is fantastic with me not in it and he doesn’t want anything to do with me just wants to check I’m ok after the death and say he loves me and wants to help… it’s all mind games that I can’t really work out and don’t want to be involved in at all.

I never really talk to anyone about all this because it’s so hard to work out or even explain. I’m scared if I do it’ll be confirmed I am in fact the crazy one. So I keep it in.

I’m glad to hear you’re starting to find yourself again

[Whoopsie]

I read what Ted Bundy’s judge said last night, I can’t believe it. It scares me too. I shouldn’t care what other people think but I worry what he will tell people because he’s not going to tell them the truth. He doesn’t know how to tell the truth. No doubt he’ll say I’m crazy because I’ve been through a hard time.

I think the realisation has hit me today and I feel sick when I think over everything he’s put me through, I believed I was the love of his life and when I look back on how I was treated he was showing me I meant nothing and that hurts. I know I need to pick myself up but my confidence has gone so it’s hard.

I’m scared for the future too. I’ve now opened up to my sisters and told them what’s been happening too. Everyone agrees that he’s unhinged and capable of anything. It’s like I’m living in limbo still, will this be it, will he leave me alone or will he continue. What will be next, you just never know!

[Whoopsie]

Thanks you so much for that reply Braelynn, you have such away with words (I’ve been reading through posts on here lol) and you always seem to have the best advice!

I feel like everything has become clear in my head today. I did know deep down but I was in denial, I wanted to believe the good him would come back. I made every excuse under the sun for him and I can’t do it anymore, I’m just embarrassing myself defending someone who has shown me time and time again he does not care about me. I can see that he’s trying to kick me when I’m down and I think that’s just evil. The loss of our family member was hard enough, she was young, it was unexpected and she left behind young children that I had to help care for. He said he was going to be there for us and he wasn’t.

Since I opened up on here today, I decided I’d open up to my mum too. I called her and told her everything. It was like crawling back with my tail between my legs because she and the rest of my family had told me over and over he was no good. She also told me a story which made me hate him even more. We don’t have children together but I have one son from a previous relationship. I may be biased (mums and their sons) but my boy is the kindest most caring soul. His manners are impeccable, he’s smart and the most resilient boy I know! Well my mum told me that a friend of hers was in a shop and over heard him saying some nasty things about my son. He had no idea that my mums friend could hear. The person he said this to was apparently taken aback by his comments too. She’s known this for a while but didn’t want to tell me because she thought I was under enough stress. If I’d have known this I wouldn’t of had him around my son, I’d no idea he was this bad! My son is my world and he’s more important to me than anything so it makes it easier for me to stay away. I have cut all contact and my Mum told me if I even hear from him once again, I should call the police. She wouldn’t say something like that lightly so I have to trust her. I’m trying not to feel guilty for being stupid enough to have some one like that around my boy 🙁

P.s….. I’m RUNNING now lol

[Author]

Posts