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    • #123905
      xxx22
      Participant

      Yeah because it’s showing the reaction he got from me still .. I feel like I’m just going backwards sometimes and now days like today I feel like my depression is triggered even worse and I’m just miserable in bed at 2pm. It’s horrible but it’s my own fault falling for it x

    • #123902
      xxx22
      Participant

      Yeah you guys are right. I wish I never phoned her to be honest but I was so sure it was all one big lie so I just wanted to do it but I am being reeled back into the drama.

      He is blocked and has been for a long time but I just still hear from him on other ways sometimes unfortunately.

      But it’s true, I’m sitting there wondering what on Earth he has said or now his next session is probably going to be all about the fact that I rang her. But it is definitely still part of being manipulated because it’s true, since then, I have been thinking that I can’t believe he’s making such a huge step and I can’t believe he decided it on his own and is doing it.. or.. maybe he is just is confused and really does need the help so maybe it wasn’t emotional abuse.

      X x x

    • #123892
      xxx22
      Participant

      Oh gosh you’re right I’m just being reeled back in. He just seems so genuine and like the counselling is tapping into the realisation of what he actually has destroyed. I just am shocked he is actually going – this is somebody who I thought would never do that, never talk about his feelings and never pay for something like that. So of course you start to wonder is what he saying about doing it because of what he’s lost with me x x x

    • #123583
      xxx22
      Participant

      I just ordered it, I actually have heard of this book before but now you’ve recommended I’ve ordered it – will arrive tomorrow.. thank god for Amazon!

      It’s so negative because I know I should have done the back and forth with him over messages now and he’s back to being blocked but I couldn’t help myself. It annoys me even more when he agrees with me and tries to take accountability and say he’s lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him which is why he’s getting help.

      As though he generally can’t help it and that’s why he’s seeing a counsellor – it’s always the same thing.. agreeing I deserve better and never deserved the things he did.. he just makes me angry. It’s such a negative effect aswell because here I am today at 1pm on a Saturday, unable to get out of bed, slept the whole morning away and just feel awful.

      But you are right, I’ve never heard a success story on here or when a man has changed. That’s very true.. just have to keep going through the motions I guess.

      Thank you x x x

    • #123577
      xxx22
      Participant

      I recently met my best friends new boyfriend and he was asking me a lot of questions about this and I felt the exact same. When I was explaining it from the beginning and things that happened in between but I went back… you feel like a fool but as we all know it feels very different when you’re in the situation and the manipulation is really hard to deal with. Don’t blame yourself though or be hard on yourself x x x

    • #123216
      xxx22
      Participant

      Thank you both for your support. KIP I changed my email last year to a brand new one and changed all accounts related to it etc.. the thought of having to do that again and change everything AGAIN all because of him makes me so annoyed. That’s why I’ve been avoiding doing that if I’m honest. It’s just strange even if you block the email that it still comes through. But maybe I’ll have to 🙁

      Sending big hugs to you Hetty especially today and so sorry for your loss last year. Let’s try to remember it’s just another day and maybe stay off of social media if you’re on it. I always find days like today are plastered all over there. Take as much time as you need x x x

    • #123174
      xxx22
      Participant

      Sending hugs x x x

    • #123173
      xxx22
      Participant

      I feel the same today.. funny how some days are easier and others you just wake up and find it difficult. I’ve spent most of the day crying but I just try to remember I’d be feeling even more hurt being with him. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the feeling passes or we find a distraction.
      Sending hugs xxx

    • #122497
      xxx22
      Participant

      Thank you all for your kind words and support. Isn’t it so crazy how we can still want to go back even after all they put us through or have made us feel.

      It is horrible thinking of him now just shifting all of his attention onto this other person after all we shared and I was even living with him in recent months.

      Sometimes I’ll be okay and then I just daze off thinking back to it all. I am glad I didn’t make the mistake of moving out of my place with him like he wanted to because I would’ve been stuck with him and nothing else right now.

      Hugs go out to those of you who are still at this point with me and almost going back but I realised all I want is peace.. and maybe like some of you.. realising we won’t get it with them no matter what they promise – it’s just words and even though I may not understand why he is like that or does this to me.. it doesn’t change that he does.

      I almost feel like it was a game to him.. before he came along I was extremely independent, secure and strong. I used to think I was great at spotting the idiots from the genuine but it’s like he played a good game and tore me down in the end.

      So just like you guys have advised… now it’s really going to be back to loving myself and using this as a past experience and not continuing to keep it as my present situation.
      Thank you so much x x x

    • #122412
      xxx22
      Participant

      Thank you both so much. It’s crazy because I knew I didn’t want to but people were making me feel like he’s tried so hard and I’m being so harsh etc. I’m not going to talk to anybody about it now because especially a couple of my friends.. one of them has been in something toxic for so long she thinks the bare minimum is so sweet and such great effort so of course she would have thought his grand gestures and efforts are amazing. I definitely won’t go back now for sure.. it’s just hard accepting he’s probably sitting there messaging and FaceTiming her every since. How can he move on that quickly after everything x

    • #119444
      xxx22
      Participant

      I ended up getting a migraine and went to sleep the rest of the day (then woke up and ate a lot of the stupid (detail removed by Moderator) he sent which has just annoyed me anyway because eating (detail removed by Moderator) seems to be all I do at the moment and of course it came from him lol).

      But thank you all so much for messaging. I am continuing to be strong and try to focus my thoughts elsewhere. It’s so sad when you love them and you think because of the way they have been a lot of the time or the things they say that they love you the way you love them… but it totally is selfish like you’re all saying. Even when I’m the one who’s been hurt, it’s always about him and how he feels or what he’s lost.

      I know if I go back I’ll be right here another time heartbroken and hurt even if it does feel so amazing temporarily for a while.

      Appreciate you all so much x x

    • #119303
      xxx22
      Participant

      Thank you so much x x

      My appetite isn’t great. I eat because I’m hungry, not because I want to or can make a nice meal that day etc.. seems far too big if you get what I mean, as silly as it sounds. So I tend to just have things that are quick and convenient then snack which isn’t very nutritious.

      Yeah I think the dr told me to wait 6-8 weeks before seeing the full benefits so hopefully that kicks in soon but I know that things won’t just suddenly be better and it’s more like a band aid to be able to do or deal with things I can’t at the moment.

      I don’t have much support around me so I really appreciate it here with you guys reaching back out. Thank you x x

    • #119297
      xxx22
      Participant

      Thank you all for replying x x

      I was waiting for counselling and just had my initial consultation for it this morning which was a bit overwhelming with all the questions but at least I am just waiting on a counsellor now and can try to get some support.

      I will definitely try some meditation like you’ve all mentioned as it seems to be helpful. I think when I tried it before I found it so hard to shut off from my thoughts as I did it but maybe I need to be persistent

      X x

    • #119047
      xxx22
      Participant

      Thank you so so much for today, don’t know what I would’ve done without you all. I really appreciate it

      x x x

    • #123178
      xxx22
      Participant

      Yeah the last time I took him back like a idiot.. he had spent the whole time we was apart talking to somebody new so I’m sure whilst I’ve been crying today he has still been talking to her or somebody.

      Have you found anything that helps distracting? The thing is we know we’ll regret it that’s the problem.

      I don’t know about you, but I feel like I don’t really know my ex now like I only know the version he allowed me to know. So probably what I miss isn’t even real

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