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3rd July 2021 at 8:53 pm #128212ZleaParticipant
Sending lots of support and positive thoughts your way.
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3rd July 2021 at 8:52 pm #128211ZleaParticipant
Thank you both for taking the time and replying, it does mean an awful lot.
I am lucky in that I have new healthy relationship, but as it is healthy – I’m learning what wasnt and what isn’t usually expected. I’m finding it hard.
He always wants to listen to me but i have nothing new to say and i fear i sound like a broken record. He will ask how i am and i am honest, sad and angry. He will always ask why, and I always answer the things he did to me and anger at myself. I dont know how else to explain or get it out. I worry some days it consumes me. I’ve been lucky and I have just started counselling with (detail removed by Moderator) after a messy year of NHS waiting (no luck still!) I just dont know what to talk about in session. I’ve made it this far to get help and I fear I’m wasting the time available. I can’t talk about it. I say how I feel but it’s no different to what I tell my partner. It’s like I keep picking at a scan by constantly thinking about the past. Things will be going amazing and my mind will suddenly say you couldn’t of done this before, or people only pretend to love you or you dream of a promotion but you wont ever get it, this and this happened in the past. It feels like it’s a huge part of me that I just want rid of. If that makes any sense?
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28th June 2021 at 7:41 pm #127873ZleaParticipant
Thank you for sharing your post, I have wondered this about myself too. My ex would really confuse me and I’m learning about gas lighting, he would get close to your face and tell me to calm down, even though I would feel calm initially. I must wanted him out of my face, I slapped his leg to get him away. I’d told him to stop shouting and to move back. He would use this against me for our entire relationship. He would say I was like everyone else out to hurt him. He would say how he had really tried to help and love me. It didn’t matter the things he had done to me or the confusion creation he made. I felt and still feel on bad days that I was the one in the wrong. But it’s just another one of their tactics to get control.
I am sorry he raised his fists at you and smashed things. This is not your fault at all. I hope your commitment went as well as can be. Sending support and positive thoughts.
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28th June 2021 at 7:32 pm #127872ZleaParticipant
Heather Flower, I feel similar too. My partner left me and I have always felt a shame to that, yet hearing your story I see no shame in you. It is their shame, not ours – and not ours to carry.
I also tried EMDR through Mind which did help significantly with nightmares and flashbacks to certain memories (mostly the confusion). I still have nightmares where I suddenly realise that I am cheating on him and I need to go back because he is sorry.
I broke down on my own at work. I thought I was coping fine with many years passing and in a healthy relationship. I got to a crossroad in the car and just panicked. I couldn’t breathe and i just cried. I dont know where it came from. It was as of my body just said help me now. I find it hard to talk about, so I have tried writing (just to myself), then I listened into group therapy to shy to participate, then here writing and have 1 to 1 soon. The EMDR at the time, I couldn’t talk about it, I didnt have the words and that was also okay. Some people do and others dont.
Sitting with you.
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