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I am trapped in this relationship, hes already told me if i leave and try to take our child back to our home country england he will fight me for custody. i think if i didn’t think he would win i would of left ages ago… I’ve been with him about (detail removed by moderator) now. we have a toddler together who he loves and adores and treats absolutley amazingly.
me however. not so much. i know how he is treating me is wrong but i am not sure if it is abuse or not so i just wanted some advice from people who don’t know us. once you tell a friend or family member its like opening up a box you can never close. im terrified of that.
for (detail removed by moderator) I’ve followed this man thinking he knew best. now i think he doesn’t. i haven’t had access to money in (detail removed by moderator) even money i have earnt. he said we need it for bills and rent but hes allowed to go out for drinks or spend when he wants? when i bring it up he said i just need to ask for money when i want it. I’ve tried that and usually its just an exasperated reaction and i get told we have no money for that. i have given up asking unless its absolutley nessisery because.i just dont want the lecture. this has put me off seeing friends because its so embarrasing to not be able to afford a cup of coffee with them or even a 50e snack or something.
i am now in a rediculous amount of debt i don’t know if hes really been very sensible. i mean its not all his fault we have had alot of bad luck as well.
he has extremely high standards for cleanliness despite being a messy person. i have a young child and sometimes its really hard to get the house to a standard he likes. i just havent got enough time. if there is anything wrong like if the washing up isnt done. it doesnt matter if everywhere else is perfect he will shout at me and say how disgusting and dirty i am and the house is and how im a dirty f*****g tramp and how my bedroom at my dads when we first met was so messy. i have intense anxiety about the house being clean by the time he comes home because i just dont want him to kick off.
his projects are more important than mine, so if im out with a friend then he will call me and ask me to come home because we were supposed to be doing something today that i didnt get told about or he wants me to help him do something. i end up leaving early alot and its embarrasing, i can’t enjoy.myself ever because it stresses me out so mu h. ive just stopped going out. that way i have more time to clean the house and I’m always available for whatever he wants me to do.
he doesnt hit me but has previously pushed me into stuff. but the thing is so have i. i hit him on the arm once because he kept calling me a r****d over and over again. and i think i did it another time as well for a similar reason i just lost it after hours of nastiness. so i don’t know how that affects things. im aware this is a toxic relationship that i need to get out of anyway..but is it abuse? my child is pretty unaware of what goes on because the arguements are when he is at school or in bed. and i know my husband loves him and has never and would never hurt him in anyway. his problem is with me.
my real issue is i am living with him in spain anf if we divorced i want to go back to england because of language problems and job issues. i think i could provide better there on my own. but he wont let me take him. i would have to stay in (detail removed by moderator) and my real worry is that there is no proof of the stuff he is saying and doing. he has a job and can provide he will come accross as more able yo provide than i will. and im scared i wont get custody of my son. i dont mind if he wants to see him but i do not wanna stay in spain by myself.
what the hell do i do. is this abuse? i just dont know. i love him but i am here for my son.
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Hi,
This is abuse no doubt at all. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. You’ve told us if there is anyone at all you could tell where you live that would be a big step. They might be able to get you support where you are. Could you talk to your friends about what is going on? X
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Hi Blue Cookie
Yes what you are describing is very much abusive behaviour. Unfortunately.
You do have rights, you do not have to live like this but you’re right to tread carefully and within the law as he will not hesitate to fight you for (full) custody of your son. Follow the law and you’ll be able to win. He is the criminal here, he is abusing you and your son and yourself both need to be living in safety, economically and physically.I don’t know if you can but contact Women’s Aid to start with via chat perhaps they have dealt with similar issues before and can guide you to reach further support. Also pls contact them and ask for safety tips until there is a solution out of this for you and your son.
Furthermore there is a charity called Global ARRK who specialises into dealing with cases like yours, search their website and see below an extract of it. They are fighting to help mothers and their children reach safety respecting international laws.
Most stuck parents are stuck abroad because of domestic abuse. They know what they’re doing and are connected to a network of professionals. I suggest to definitely contact them and ask for their support.“Many families move abroad and think that if it doesn’t work out they can simply move back again. However, if one parent wants the child to stay the other must get permission from the local court to allow the child to leave. This application is called Relocation or Leave to Remove. The process can be costly and take many years. If they don’t get the proper permissions and ‘take’ their child they can be accused of International Child Abduction under The Hague Convention. Visa restrictions, unemployment, poverty, language barriers and loneliness can make life impossible for the now ‘Stuck’ parent and child. The parent sometimes has no choice but to return to their home country without their child.”
Keep posting, keep safe and keep strong darling!! Big hugs 💕
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There’s a charity called reunite that deals with international child laws and moving children. Start noting down every single thing he does, time date, no matter how minor it seems. Note how much time he spends with children, how much you help you do, everything you do for them etc. You will need to go through the Spanish system, which can be slow but if you just take them it will be considered abduction as Spain is now their habitual residence.
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