Anxious/ advice

I remember that demand so well, you have to change, or if you don’t change. I wonder what he’d do if you turned round and said I think you’re right, so I’ve asked about terminating the tenancy(providing it’s in joint names)or if it’s not, I think you’re right we should terminate the tenancy. I can just see the confused look on his face😆 those recordings were what kept me focused on ending my marriage. Thing is I’ve been unable to listen to them since I left😏 the innocent things they choose to lose the rag over never ceases to amaze me.
I’ve since learned to not give anything away that would give him an opportunity to use it against me. Whatever you’re afraid of, losing your home, whatever, don’t let on how much it hurts you or you were hurt by something in the past. You’re doing so well, getting ready to leave, emotionally and physically takes time, though sometimes you just have to leave quickly. Stay safe and know we’re always here.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

Hi,

Enforcing Trivial Demands is one of the 9 stages of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour that the Coercive Controller will use. Monopolised Perception is another. He’s sent you a text telling you you’ve made no effort to change, thus putting all the blame on you, so he insinuates he doesn’t want to live with you anymore and suggests you end the joint tenancy. This manipulation is designed to send you in to panic mode, beg forgiveness, tell him you’ll make every effort. What he doesn’t realise is he’s given you a get out of jail free card! This is a dangerous game that he is playing, he really isn’t expecting you to take it, but you do have the option to call his bluff, however, you need to weigh up the pros and cons of this as only you know him well enough to weigh up this risk.

My ex played the same game with me once. He came home and threw an important document at me that I needed to leave, adding “do what you like.” I was so relieved, but once he knew I was going to leave he pulled the rug, upped the abuse and sneakily took the document back again. The mental roller coaster of emotions really impacted on my physical and emotional health.

If refuge is an option for you take it, then you contact the rental agent and say you will not be on any new tenancy for the house, if it is renewed, he will be renewing it by himself. You may need to seek refuge accommodation first, otherwise, you could be considered ‘intentionally homeless’ by the Council if you give up the tenancy without having another place lined up for you.

Good luck and best wishes

Morning, I hope you slept well? woke up realising you don’t have to be rich to go. If your able? Seek advice about refuge for you and your children. You will be better off than you are now I’m guessing. Wishing you every happiness 💞

Hi, how are you this morning? Your day sounds horrendous. I’ve just learnt about an organisation called onlymums.org that’s giving free legal and other advice during lockdown. Also if your phone is like mine it sucks up data using camera phone for recording. Someone here recommended Voice Record, you can then email to yourself immediately. Really good. Free too.
More later. Sending you lots of strength to get through this. You will. Pm me if you want. We’re in the same boat. Xx

Theydeservethebest, my Ex made so many demands and had me in those positions where I could do nothing right, where I would be hysterical crying asking what it was he wanted me to do, he’d never say, as that was the fun of his game, to leave me never knowing the rules of the game long enough to “win”.

You sound like you are having more and more insight into his behaviour. That is an awesome start. And I agree with others, you do not have to be rich to go. I left and moved in with friends and the move cost me nothing. I have no kids though but Refuge sounds like a really good idea. 🙂

Sending the biggest hugs as I honestly feel for you having been in that position.

Hi I hope you feel a bit better today.💜 I wasn’t rich when I left my oh, I went into refuge accommodation, they helped sort out benefits for me,kept me sane.i am so much better off financially now and emotionally, I’m getting there. My physical problems will never leave me, but I’ve noticed the pain levels are reducing, sometimes I don’t even notice the pain. There are so many positive aspects to leave, the negatives do get less and less. I do feel for him, the fact he’s on his own now, been ‘abandoned’, which was his biggest fear. But he did this, he left me no choice but to put me first.
💞💞

To quote Jane Doe Is Sad “My Ex made so many demands and had me in those positions where I could do nothing right, where I would be hysterical crying asking what it was he wanted me to do, he’d never say, as that was the fun of his game, to leave me never knowing the rules of the game long enough to “win”.”

That is such an excellent description of how these men work, I think that is an amazing paragraph. I think it will resonate with all of us.

I Want Me Back – The fact that your ex is now feeling ‘abandoned’ is one of the classic reasons behind his abuse. The Borderline Dsyphoric Abuser is often insecure and fears rejection and abandonment, so will utilise lots of the C&C Behaviour skills to prevent their partner leaving them and make them more dependent on them. So the degrading comments of name calling and insults and put downs so that you feel you’re not good enough for anyone else and no one else would ever want you starts to make you feel ‘grateful’ that they do want you for instance. In order to get you back to where he wants you (under his control) he will then do his best to appear to be the ‘nice guy who is just misunderstood and can’t live without you’ to try and win you back. You have done amazingly well and it’s so nice to read that you are getting stronger each day and feeling more positive.

They Deserve The Best – Your partner is lowering his voice for the really nasty and insulting words, so this just shows how much in control of his actions he really is. Some of his behaviour he does not mind people witnessing, some it he knows is so shocking and awful he really does not want to be witnessed. If you have some really good video footage as evidence then this will be really helpful to the Police. You still have that as an option to take TODAY if you want to start your freedom from abuse immediately. Have comfort in that option. When you feel you have no control any more and you are at a loss of what to do you are only a 999 call away from some help, even if you only use it as a temporary respite whilst you gather more information and options on what you want to do long term.