Relentless

Hi Butterfly3

I just wanted to show you some support. I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

You are right about your partner gaslighting you, he is trying to make you doubt yourself but you haven’t done anything wrong.

I hope you hear back from the council soon, would it be possible for your local domestic abuse service to help you by chasing them up and expressing how urgent it is that you need to find accommodation?

Please stay strong and keep posting to let us know how things are.

Take care

Lisa

Do what you have to do to get by the next while. Go into survivor mode and appease him however and whatever way you can to keep you all safe and to keep the peace. You know him better than anyone. You’ve been here a thousand times before. Buy some more time x

You could literally be describing my husband. He goes through continual cycles of wild mood swings which go from him saying he is the luckiest man on the planet and has everything he could ever want and is the nicest loveliest guy, to the next day barely saying two words to me and when I ask what’s wrong I get a mouthful of horrific abuse – I’m a fat, ugly c*nt, I’m mental, I’m a horrible negative person who brings him down – I’m the worlds worst and I don’t even know why or what’s brought the mood on. Usually it turns out to be that he has been doing something he shouldn’t – hiding something, spending money from our savings, flirting with someone – and the abuse toward me if him releasing the guilt he feels for whatever it is he’s doing himself. Obviously I’ve no idea and think ever things fine and we’re happy, only for him to explode at me. My father committed suicide (detail removed by moderator) and he often likes to say that even my dad gets me and chose to kill himself rather than be around me. Then he won’t speak to me for days on end. We walk past each other and even if I ask him a question like whether he has fed the dogs, he will just look through me and refuse to answer me. Then a few days later when he’s calmed down and is bored of not speaking he will come and give me a hug and tell me he loves me as though none of it happened. If I don’t accept his apology immediately or if I try to discuss what happened or why he explodes again that I can’t let things go and I hold a grudge and I never move on from ‘arguments’ and I have serious problems and this is why he hates me and I’m such a drag! Then he walks off and ignores me for another few days until he tries again to pretend nothing ever happened. I’m ashamed to admit I usually then do exactly what he wants and accept the apology and never speak of the incident again for a quiet, easy life and try to tell me myself that it’s not that bad and I’m overreacting. Until weeks or months later when it all happens again. Reading peoples experiences on forums like this is so shocking to me because it amazes me that I’m not the only one and that there are so many people out there who behave this way. It’s scary. I don’t have the strength to leave just yet. We’ve been together (detail removed by moderator) and he is The only man I’ve ever been with and all I’ve ever known. I’m financially dependent on him so if I left I’d have to move in with my mum probably for at least a year or two while I pay off debts and save money to try and get a place of my own. I also won’t leave my pets behind so it’s more complicated then just packing a bag and driving off. I’m also scared that if I left I’d regret it. Sometimes I tell myself maybe moodswings and verbal abuse aren’t so bad. Everyone has bad days – am i overreacting? Am I throwing away what is a good relationship in between the mood swings and abuse cycles? What if life doesn’t get any better and I’m lonely or I wish I could turn back time. It’s so scary. I can’t stop crying. I feel sometimes he’s broken me

Hello Trina2020. Your sadly describing what lots of us here are or have gone through. We know your feelings as if they are our own. We are all here for you and each other, to listen, talk it out, and find support, advice and a way forward. Everyone of us, so though you feel broken now, confused and alone, your not here💞

Butterfly3 I’m really feeling for you, hope your coping💞

Hi Butterfly3

It’s all so familiar. Just describes my relationship.

So when I was planning to get out I completely gave everything just to keep him sweet. After going he says I over reacted as it had been going so well. Yes it was going well for you because I was keeping everything sweet so it was safe!

I was desperate to scream that and get him to understand but there is no point.

Ignoring your own needs and keeping things stable is really important as long as it’s while you’re planning your exit. It’s, of course, a disastrously dangerous way to live but necessary at the moment.

Hi Butterfly,
I too am not able to be affectionate any more. I can’t sleep in the same bed and have spent this past week on the sofa.
He has mentioned how well he has been sleeping as well, knowing I am not and how much I love my bed and sleep.
It is exhausting being polite and being around him day to day although I have been Out at work more this week So now I really have to psyche myself up to come home.
I see you’ve posted about anxiety too and I Have found that practicing gratitude to ground myself Helps a lot. There are some quick practices you can look up on YouTube the best one I found was place a hand on your heart take slow deep breaths in and out and think of something thou are grateful for – even If it’s just having a cup of tea! Then keeping thinking of it whilst you breathe in and out. Saying to yourself that you are very grateful for. ……
The other day I was so tearful I went to the bathroom and could hear him down stairs chatting to someone on the phone all light and jolly-not a care in the world- I imagined all the negative energy I could feel from him Was in my hands and threw it Back down through the floor to him! Sounds a bit bonkers but I believe they project their feelings on to us to help them feel better. So I said I’m my head whilst chucking it back at him “this is not mine, You can keep your Sh** to yourself”
It felt good!
Take care, xx