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Hi all
So I haven’t created too many posts since joining recently. I came on here a short time ago feeling really low and actually once I had read some of the posts, I realised how far I had travelled since getting out. I then got really inspired by you all on here researching and reaching out, I still am. It’s a great community and in the absence of groups, I am so glad this is here.In the past I may have been a bit reluctant to post so publicly but not anymore, my laundry has most definitely been hung out to dry for all to see for a while now and actually, not all of it is factual and accurate- thank you to the System for that. At least on here I get a chance to voice things as they truly are.
Consequently, I seem to have got caught up in some strange and bizarre farce. I have left one type of madness and been plunged into another and all along it is my mental health that is being referred to as the problem- no recognition that They are the cause. Well, there’s nothing new.
I’m not feeling so great today, I haven’t had such great news. I have done well since leaving to seek out support and access all available and make it work for me. I’ve been quick to suss who’s in it for the right reasons, who’s a jobsworth and who hasn’t got a clue etc. I’ve stuck to the ones in it for the right reasons and their support has been invaluable.
I’ve tried really hard to ‘fit’ into the systems but I do really struggle to keep it zipped and not speak out where I see unprofessional conduct and incompetency. I just think of all the women who I have met who would not question it, just accept the power that is held and bend. I’d been doing that for so long though with him, I’ve just started to get my fire back and it literally kills me each time I have to comply without thought, or question. Particularly when what I am being expected to comply with is actually an entire load of b******t and false. It is weird and bizarre, it just sends me back to it all. It makes me feel like they are like him, that they are all in it together. That sounds a bit mad I think but I swear that’s how it feels. It is how it ends up being too.
I should just shut up, accept it and bend, we all know I can- I did it for long enough. Why do I go and cause myself problems now by being vocal?
The only thing that keeps me going is obviously my children, my Women’s Aid support worker and the fact that I am not alone. I have met many women already and I know I am not alone in this perverse and twisted battle , I know I am going to meet a lot more on my way too.
So, I am sorry that I have to write this tonight. I don’t want to, I want to write warrior like and fierce but I can’t tonight. They got to me just now. I just need some support I guess, some voices from survivors who’ve battled the system and bear the scars and still LIVE to face another day would be welcomed right now.
BUT…should you read this and you are not out yet and you are wondering Should I? YES, you should get out. NO, I don’t regret leaving. Ever. If you get out, that’d be music to my ears and make my day because it’s another one of us to join the fight and another one of them lost their grip- a little- on our children. Then we just got to rise and rip up the God d**n systems that enable them.
No matter what Those f****rs do to me and mine, I am Mother. I’m not signing out, I’m going to LIVE and stick to V’s up to him and the f*****g system that supports him. It’s just I worry that along the way I’m going to lose a lot, much more than a home and belongings and I just hope I can recognise myself afterwards if that is the case and I guess I’m scared to carry on being brave. I would be easier to just comply right now. I think I am too late now anyway though, I’ve overstepped the mark, my card is marked and I am one of them- as in not one of Them but one of those MAD WITCHES. Oh well,… if the hat fits 😉 (Apologies for my bad language, I’ll check in for help when I don’t have to deal with him and the system anymore because they just warrant the use of it in my opinion)
I’m signing off now as it is late and I am not sure if what i am writing is making any sense at all!! It’s all a bit coded anyway but I’m sure you can all read between the lines.
In Frustration
Soulsearcher18
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Hi Soulsearcher18
I understand you.
We are expecting the system to help us – as this is what they promote.
But the reality is that the purpose of the system is different. The purpose in many cases is just to serve the system itself.I’ve been in the situation which is called “a gap”, where due to my circumstances I couldn’t get ANY help apart from numerous advice of available options (very useful, thanks). Ended up sorting everything out on my own when realised that actually they don’t care.
Now I work in the system. Not abuse related, but very similar area. And now I can see this so clear I am often scared.
They care but only within their job roles.
They think about you, but only within their job roles.
They spend budget money, but they are not thinking about real people with their lives, but only about possible scenarios and action flows.
Some people are amazing and go far from their responsibilities. They are not may though.The good concept would be not to rely on the system, but just use some tools it offer. You should rely on yourself only. This is the only way to have your life under control and to sort everything out.
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The system is a machine and it doesn’t care. The people within do and like you say, they too often seem to be the few but such is life in general. It’s always the few. So you use whatever tools you can from the machine and that’s it. You don’t expect more from it than it can give.
I am the mad witch myself! Always have been. LOL! the crazy mad witch……..ahhh yes. I wear it proudly though. I understand my title and the reasons why I am so labeled. I think for myself. I speak my mind and when I see b****t flying I usually say so. Mind you, I’ve had some very professional jobs in my working career and that boat don’t always float, I can’t always do that in a professional setting per say. At least not as bluntly as I would like. Soooo, I would tone it down a bit but they would still feel me as I just delivered my message in a way that wasn’t like slapping them across the face. I had to learn to chose my battles as well. We have to learn how to be good stewards of our own energy.
We adapt. That’s what we as human beings are actually quite good at. We don’t always have to be so obvious about what we think, how we operate, etc. There are times I don’t care about sharing that with anyone. Don’t need them, their input or their approval. What you are struggling with is your own authenticity and sel identity. You have a very strong little spirit in there. See it from here quite easily. You’ve been trying to climb out of the crab pot for some time now only to get the other c***s pulling you back in. Understand it. Been there.
Be picky now about who you seek approval from. You might be in need of finding yourself a very good sensei and take some martial arts – Akido, Kung Fu…
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Thank you all, I appreciate the responses.
I’m sorry if you can relate, it’s a difficult place to be for sure. Confusing and frustrating.
Yes Braelynn, I think that I am definitely overdue some reflection time and ha! -finding of my soul/ doing what makes my soul happy
Need to step aside from it all to reconnect and regroup, it is so easy to get caught up in it and get pulled in all directions and to lose focus.
As it happens, I’ve ended up taking steps that are going to help me to do that as a result of it all-the highs and lows on this journey are thick and fast. It’s a constant work in progress to keep up and keep a check on it all.I’m not sure if I am making any sense here as obviously can’t speak directly about it all?!
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