- This topic has 5 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi ladies
I feel like I’ve been in most psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship for the last few years, but he really makes me doubt myself. He has smashed some of my things and he scares me so much even tho he hasn’t hit me I always felt like he could or would. I know there was violence in his past relationships but looking back I see he did a good job of convincing me it was the woman who was abusing him. I wasn’t allowed to say anything he perceived as a criticism or he would punish me with threats of leaving me, torrents of abuse and silent treatment. There’s just a complete disconnect in my mind. Like how could anyone abuse him, he’s too much of a bully. I’ve been reading up on abuse and have read out of the fog, when I’m reading it I’m like ‘yes that’s him’ but then after a few days I forget and wonder if I’m the problem again. He keeps saying it’s me, then he’ll admit it’s him, then it’s me again and so on.
please bare with me ladies if this is a long one but so much has happened and my head is spinning. All my friends and family, even my work mates think he’s abusive but I question myself and think that maybe they all just don’t like them coz I’ve told him them the bad things he’s done, but maybe he’s not so bad and I’m just seeing situations wrong like he says? I hope you guys will be able to help me see things for how they are as I feel like I’m in a fog. I really need advice!
A short time ago I had a very sudden and unexpected family bereavement. I don’t want to go in to detail in case it’s identifying but it was traumatic, unexpected and should not have happened. My side of the family not his. We had been living apart when the death occurred, we had separated a few months previously. We had so many problems over the years I was just done by this stage. He’d treated me so poorly and was showing no signs of changing. I thought he didn’t want to be with me either, he would say things like I made him feel physically sick. So I was really surprised that he tried relentlessly to get our relationship back together when I finally left. He said he’d wait as long as it took for me to come back around to him because he loved me so much, no other woman would ever come close. I didn’t believe him of course, he’d lied so many times before. But this time was stronger and more intense. After it had been happening for several weeks I started to believe him, he’d never fought this hard before, then just like that the death happened and I reached out to him to him to help. He swooped in like a night in shining armour… for a few days.
I thought I’d set up clear boundaries with him back when I started thinking of returning to the relationship. I told him exactly what I’d accept and wouldn’t.(detail removed by Moderator) before the funeral he crossed a boundary. Nothing too big but I just reminded him of what we’d spoken about. I was upset at it and understandably so given the circumstances of the death and a lockdown funeral. He apologised and I said it was ok but to remember the boundary that we had spoken about. I didn’t even think I’d done anything wrong but apparently I had and he huffed off to bed. I wasn’t thinking too much of it because I was concentrating on what was happening (detail removed by Moderator). And I thought it was a small blip because he’d told me that was us together forever now and he’d be here to get me through this. I stayed up to get things ready (detail removed by Moderator) then took a while to just mentally prepare myself. I just sat in silence for an hour in the kitchen lol then I went to bed.
(detail removed by Moderator) the day of the funeral, when he got up he mentioned the incident again and apologised. I was beside myself with grief that morning. I wasn’t crying but when I went to speak I couldn’t even get words out and it would make me want to cry. I was trying to keep it together so the best way I could I told him to leave it to after the funeral, just not now. We got ready and went to the funeral. It was very hard for me but he didn’t talk to me all day. I could tell he was angry with me. You can always tell, there’s an atmosphere. He tried at the very end of the day and I told him we’d talk when we got home. This annoyed him too. I was just upset at the death and he was making all my behaviour, my grief, about him. When we got home I broke down crying. Not to him but to another family member present. It’d been such a sad day and I hadn’t cried once until then. Such a tragedy. Not even 10 minutes later he says he’s leaving to stay else where to ‘avoid arguments’. I was stunned as I wasn’t going to argue with him, I thought when other family members left I’d get the chance to speak to him to off load the day and talk about the incident if he wanted but he just left. I didn’t mind too much to be honest because I was tired and I never imagined the events that would unfold next.
The next day was a bit of a blur like the day after a funeral is. It was late in the day when I realised I hadn’t heard from him. I dunno, I thought If you loved someone you’d be worried about them, but there was nothing. I tried not to over think it and called him and it was like old times…. the way it was before he was trying to win me back. He was cold and uncaring, he didn’t want to be speaking to me and said he was glad to get a break from me. It was like a slap in the face. This was the man who for months would blow up my phone from early morning for months telling me how amazing I was right up until now. Like the worst time possible. He made me feel like my grief was a burden, yet had been telling me I was coping really well beforehand. He just changed in an instant, like old times. I asked him was the death (of MY family member) and my families grief over it going to be too much for him to deal with and he said that it maybe would be. When we got off the phone the texts started and he started twisting the story like he always does. I blocked him because it just triggered everything from the past for me. All his bad behaviour. I didn’t want to go through all that again. All the abuse over text. I was so low over the death I just wanted kindness, I couldn’t deal with both. The next day I tried to reach out to him again and got the same attitude. I broke down and begged him to be a bit more gentile with me because I was fragile but this annoyed him. He told me to calm down and he’d call me back. I never got a call. I text asking to talk a few times. I was ignored. I tried again the next day, his phone switched off. I didn’t try any more because I had to draw a line somewhere. So many things like this had happened before and he promised never to do it again and yet here he was…. doing it again.
He tried calling me finally (detail removed by Moderator) days later but I knew I had to be done with him after listening to his voicemails. It felt like gas lighting. He said he hadn’t heard from me (detail removed by Moderator) and how he’d been there for me (?!?!?!). He always did things like this, just completely changed the story to fit whatever make him look better. He killed me inside. By this time one of the younger members of our family started to have a break down. It was the hardest thing to watch and I had to care for them. I went in to auto pilot helping them and put everything else to the back of my mind. Weeks had passed before I realised and the family member finally started to improve. It was only then I really began to think about the shock of everything that had happened, from the death, the breakdown and the break up. I then broke down myself. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. It’s still hard when you know they don’t care even though they’re horrible. I kept on going though, but my own mental health had started to decline even more.
In (detail removed by Moderator) I get a voicemail and a few missed calls from withheld numbers. It was him. Wanting to check if me and my family were ok and about how our breakup didn’t go well and he wanted to talk about it. I know I’m silly but I thought maybe if I spoke to him and he apologised it’d help me to move on? I don’t know what I was thinking but a few days later I called him back. The conversation actually went really well. He was being nice and charming. He asked me was I missing him. He offered to bring food to my house and I let him. That was so silly of me because he sucked me right in. I was so low and I just wanted love and it seemed like he was giving me it. He’d told me how he had struggled since we last spoke and had bad days and bad dreams. (detail removed by Moderator) but he said he’d been feeling a bit better the past week. he tried to touch me up the minute he came in. He told me he loved me a few times too. He told me how he’d been desperately trying to get in contact with me I asked why he didn’t just call me and he said he didn’t want to withhold his number again because he’d done it in the past as it ‘hurt him so much’ I don’t know why I believed this. He was giving me all the signs and I fell for them because I’m so weak. I slept with him.
(detail removed by Moderator) he has completely changed again and said that he has been happy the whole time we’ve been apart. The sex meant nothing. It’s all my own fault because I shouldn’t have blocked him and everything he admitted to doing wrong in the past is now my fault again. If only if unblocked him like a week ago we’d maybe have had a chance. All the things he admitted to before were taken back. I can’t believe any of this has happened. It feels cruel. He came to my home, was pretty horrible to me, to say what he had to say then left. I thought that was it. Then he started texting. Silly things. I stopped replying and he sent another message saying (detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t reply. Please someone help me understand what’s happening!
I’ve been through a lot in my life and (detail removed by Moderator) he asked me (detail removed by Moderator) (I have been through a lot but I’ve also been through a lot of counselling in the past to deal with that and I’m strong) he laughed at me when I said yes. He’s saying I’m not normal but won’t tell me how? He also said he knows I’m strong too?! Is this just manipulation?
I rang the helpline because I was questioning if it was abuse. She asked me what my gut told me and my gut told me it was abusive. I’ve changed so much since I’ve been with him. But I think what if I’m wrong and I am the problem like he said? I’m always doubting my own judgement and I never used to be like this.
Is this abuse or am I the problem? I’m sorry this is so long and if I’m all over the place, like I said I lost most of my friends and family being with him and I feel really alone in all this and I’d love some advice and hopefully to be able to post a bit more to get through this in one piece. I need me and my confidence back. I feel like he’s took it all and I’m nothing.
-
Hi Whoopsie and Welcome here! Of course this is all abuse and gaslighting! Oh my is it ever! The push, the pull, the on again off again switch, the blaming, the guilt trips, the putting you down and wasn’t he just a prince when you really needed him during this horrible event of yours? Was all about him of course. Always will be. He will never change and it’s not your job to make him change either. He’s a big boy. If he wanted to change he would but the only changing he is doing is – his disguise to keep you in the loop and vicious cycle. Only change he is capable of.
He is extremely abusive and I can’t tell you hard enough here to get away from him and stay away from him. Your head won’t get right until you have absolutely No contact with him whatsoever. You have got to stop believing the illusion is real because it isn’t. Never was, never will be.
But when we become basically an appendage to them then we act like prey and like a host to a predator. We are only there in their lives so they can feed on us. That’s it. They are like vampires who stick their fangs in and drain out every bit of life and liveliness and drink it up because guess what? They can’t create it themselves so they have to steal it from someone else. Fill empty? That’s why.
Since we are only an appendage to them then the host has to impart to us any way possible that everything is for “them” so you have no personhood, no other reason for being in this world except to serve them, at your own expense and demise and if you do poorly because of it well it’s your fault because you can’t keep up or can’t just be happy being abused. Gotta love that one, eh? Um, no, I don’t.
(detail removed by Moderator) One day they will really come out with how this affects us biologically, psychologically and spiritually when this happens. One thing I do know is, it’s more than just swapping spit. They infect us and off we go again around the hamster wheel. Confused but reeled right back in which is how they like us.
This fog will pass but you absolutely have to have no contact with him. Talking to him is pointless. All he will do is circular reasoning, attack, attack, blame, blame and get you so confused you just get tired of talking to him and give in to whatever. The tactic works well. That’s why all abusers use this one. Quite boring to me actually but when you are in it – it’s extremely painful and devastating. They really aren’t usually super bright individuals but they do what works. They have their little bag of tricks they use over and over again because they are effective. Like most con artists, why change something that works?
You have to get over the fact of being fooled by someone like this initially and fight the addiction of trauma bonding and living for that one shred of nice-nice when everything else is total chaos, nastiness and abuse. You don’t have to settle for crumbs and you don’t need to have a conversation with a self serving idiot. He’s not a man. Real men don’t act like this. He’s a bully and a coward. If he did this to a real man, he’d have his clock cleaned but they don’t ever pick on anyone that would do this, right?
We can all be conned, even con artists can con each other. They are good at charm, it’s like super sweet candy. We can live without it though because it rots us from the inside out. You know exactly what you are looking at here and “you” need to affirm yourself and trust your gut because it’s spot on. The doubting and fog and all that comes straight from him. It’s his poison so don’t make it your own. Vomit all that right up and stop listening to it in your own head.
You have to find your own personhood again and you will never do that being an appendage to him. He won’t stand for it. In the end if you do keep doing this, he will destroy you.
I am so very very sorry this man has hurt you like this but you’re a bright woman, your mind has just been hijacked and brainwashed in order to become prey for someone like him. So it’s time now to gather up every bit of strength you have and say – No, I’m so not doing this anymore. Right thoughts and right actions do produce right feelings. So be careful what you entertain in your brain. Take it captive. Pull it out, slap it out on the wall and ask “hm,m,m….so who does this kind of thinking benefit here? Me or him?” Quite sure you know the answer to that one so re-claim your castle, your life and kick him out of it once and for all, okay? As I often tell people when in this situation, don’t continue to examine your navel or his, just RUN!
-
Thanks you so much for that reply Braelynn, you have such away with words (I’ve been reading through posts on here lol) and you always seem to have the best advice!
I feel like everything has become clear in my head today. I did know deep down but I was in denial, I wanted to believe the good him would come back. I made every excuse under the sun for him and I can’t do it anymore, I’m just embarrassing myself defending someone who has shown me time and time again he does not care about me. I can see that he’s trying to kick me when I’m down and I think that’s just evil. The loss of our family member was hard enough, she was young, it was unexpected and she left behind young children that I had to help care for. He said he was going to be there for us and he wasn’t.
Since I opened up on here today, I decided I’d open up to my mum too. I called her and told her everything. It was like crawling back with my tail between my legs because she and the rest of my family had told me over and over he was no good. She also told me a story which made me hate him even more. We don’t have children together but I have one son from a previous relationship. I may be biased (mums and their sons) but my boy is the kindest most caring soul. His manners are impeccable, he’s smart and the most resilient boy I know! Well my mum told me that a friend of hers was in a shop and over heard him saying some nasty things about my son. He had no idea that my mums friend could hear. The person he said this to was apparently taken aback by his comments too. She’s known this for a while but didn’t want to tell me because she thought I was under enough stress. If I’d have known this I wouldn’t of had him around my son, I’d no idea he was this bad! My son is my world and he’s more important to me than anything so it makes it easier for me to stay away. I have cut all contact and my Mum told me if I even hear from him once again, I should call the police. She wouldn’t say something like that lightly so I have to trust her. I’m trying not to feel guilty for being stupid enough to have some one like that around my boy 🙁
P.s….. I’m RUNNING now lol
-
Good my Sweets!! Good! RUN!!! LOL! that was incredibly awful of him to say that but doesn’t surprise me one bit and I’m glad you heard now because I think that’s what you needed to hear. He’s a despicable human being and forgive yourself for being naive or conned or whatever here. We all do it. But once you see and know you can’t unsee and unknow. We learn, we grow. That’s what life is all about. We didn’t get a manual on our human predators, right? No one really taught us about them either. They should have actually. But a large part of the human race actually secretly admire them. Look up what Ted Bundy’s sentencing judge said to him at the end and there you have it. A snapshot picture into why things are the way they are.
But nevermind us here because we will fight to the bitter end and back. Want to see something ugly and to really be afraid of? Mess with a Mother’s child…. People used to say to me, there’s red hot with you which is bad but not that bad, you’re just p****d off. Trying to reason with someone. But when you go quiet and white hot, whoever it is you are fixated on – needs to run. Very true.
-
I read what Ted Bundy’s judge said last night, I can’t believe it. It scares me too. I shouldn’t care what other people think but I worry what he will tell people because he’s not going to tell them the truth. He doesn’t know how to tell the truth. No doubt he’ll say I’m crazy because I’ve been through a hard time.
I think the realisation has hit me today and I feel sick when I think over everything he’s put me through, I believed I was the love of his life and when I look back on how I was treated he was showing me I meant nothing and that hurts. I know I need to pick myself up but my confidence has gone so it’s hard.
I’m scared for the future too. I’ve now opened up to my sisters and told them what’s been happening too. Everyone agrees that he’s unhinged and capable of anything. It’s like I’m living in limbo still, will this be it, will he leave me alone or will he continue. What will be next, you just never know!
-
You need to be asking yourself that question, not directing it in his direction and living or giving up based on what he thinks or might do. Right? You have to get your head out of this space. It does not serve you well. Part of victimhood. Shake it. You have to. That puts you playing defense all the time when in reality you need to learn about offense and practice that if not more than defense.
You can’t live your life waiting and wondering omg, omg, what will my predator/abuser do next because “that” determines what I do. Seriously? Look at that one. Think about it. What they do or what they think determines what you do…??? That’s playing defense.
Yeah, so what, we believed a really good con artist and charmer. Happens to the best of us, they con each other very well, so there you go. We have to get over our bad selves here, wipe off the dirt, run our fingers through our hair and say – oh okay, got it, over it, different game now boys!!! Back up or get plowed!
We all get taught by life. You, me, we all do. So learn. Adapt and I don’t even mean adapt in the way of serving your abuser. Um no. That one doesn’t work, right? No, we regroup in a different way. Predators can hunt and know their prey but we can do the same. In that we study up on who they are and we start playing offense. You erect boundaries and you have stiff consequences should they be breached. You study up on what you’re rights are and you go about securing your own safety and future. You look at what he might do and you block him, you protect yourself. One thing predators do not like is having to expend a large amount of energy on anything regarding their prey. So you outlast them. Hold your boundaries tight, don’t be a lamb led to the slaughter, get legal advice, exercise your rights as a human being.
Bring in your support team, tell them what’s up and keep them a part of the plan here. Make a report to the police, do whatever you have to do in order to bring this to an end and protect yourself.
If we don’t fight for ourselves no one else will. Maybe some good souls but for the most part we are on our own and people do respect power so you have to bring your own power to the ballgame and then others will be more willing to back you up if they see that you have your own best interests at heart. They conserve energy too as well they should.
YOU are your biggest advocate so have a big heart to heart with yourself and please stop living in fear sweetheart. One thing I have learned is – the biggest weapon I ever had in my arsenal was my ability to make someone think that I had nothing left to lose, therefore I was going to fight like a crazy bear defending her turf. It worked. Over and over again. Men just assume they know the power we have as women but they really don’t know until we get ahold of it and use it. We bring life into this world, we are mothers and we can multi task and stuff. We have our periods every month and menopause. So wind one of us up that actually gets ahold of that power deep within them and most men would pee themselves. I don’t really care what they do but they do need to – Move when they are threatening me… just sayin.
Let’s see some fire in that belly and burn up that fear. You are a force to be reckoned with and it’s time you acted like it. Your life is worth something here so put a very high price tag on it. Head up, shoulders back. A little anger wouldn’t hurt.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
