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I heard myself repeating this? over and over as I broke from sleep in the early hours. Why? I don’t know? I wasn’t aware of dreaming. Is it my subconscious thinking maybe? It was down to me? It was my fault? My early life trauma at almost 6 years old, did I process it as my fault what happened? Maybe? My recently diagnosed, brought home to me… ptsd is at play? It’s as of yet… untreated PTSD, that I’m trying to understand? is it now starting to throw things out? I’m feeling?…that the feeling of guilt… I’ve carried with me through my life, though really, it wasn’t my fault then! I know logically, as an adult. But not back then! Maybe is mingling with other stuff? Is my inner child crying out? To be heard? Or…is it abuse? The affect of being told everything’s my fault by him! And Or?? everyone else that’s hurt me, blaming me, for being me! Is it abuse? Am I crying out for their forgiveness? For being me! I wish I knew!
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Early life trauma can stay with you for your entire life. And unfortunately at that age you do tend to blame yourself for it. It stays at the back of your head, even if later, as an adult, you see clearly that there was absolutely no fault in you. You should have got a lot of support and counseling at that time.
You still need that now. What you don’t need is being put down, by him or anyone else. You deserve respect, as an amazing, unique, wonderful human being.
A big, big hug!
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