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It is some weeks since I left my husband and our daughter is the first of our children to spend time with him since then. He has told her (a young adult) that he is close to suicide but she must understand it’s not her fault. She is beside herself.
I know it is so wrong for him to have said this to her. I know he is manipulating her. But how do I deal with this – for my daughter?
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I agree, tell someone professional else if anything should happen it will be on your daughters conscience forever. tell his GP, employer, and the police. i would also call the Samaritans and your local MIND for advice. And if possible have your daughter not see him or live with him over this period.
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It’s such a very common abuser tactic to threaten suicide and also to emotionally abuse their children. Even if you are I were contemplating that we would never torture our child with it they way these men do. My ex would say he wouldn’t want to live without me. He would tell our son he was depressed. All the while he was off cheating with another woman. Taking her on holiday. It’s a tactic to suck you back in and if it’s not you can’t do anything. I heard on hear a woman rang 999 when her ex threatened it. When the ambulance turned up he was fine and denied everything. So put the ball in his court snd tell your daughter you have informed his GP and he mother/father/sister/brother. My money is on it backfiring and embarrassing him and showing him up for the abuser he is. If not he’s someone else’s problem. You might want your daughter to talk to someone at women’s aid to explain these tactics. It must be horrible for her. What a horrible man.
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Thank you all – @kip I was thinking that too – imagine if I’d told my children just how bad I was feeling while I was still with him!! It doesn’t really help though, we know what he’s doing is wrong but it doesn’t change the fact he’s doing it.
My daughter has spoken to his therapist, which says she’s been in contact with him and he hasn’t expressed a need to speak urgently, and that my daughter should tell him to if he does it again.How would it be for me to direct my daughter to the Lundy Bancroft book? She absolutely saw what he was doing to me before I left, but since then he has manipulated her beyond belief and she clearly feels very responsible for him. He’s more or less told her she is.
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Living with the Dominator is a bit more reader friendly I think. You might want to talk to women’s aid. Daughters of abusers are more likely to be abused in later life so she should really see someone to undo all the damage he’s done/doing. Maybe her own therapist. Women’s aid have courses available too.
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OMG I just feel so powerless he is going on and on manipulating her.
She has a therapist, which is so positive. She’s had a few sessions, and I have to trust the she is saying to her that she is not responsible for her father’s mental health.I just feel like everything has backfired on me. And her. A big part of the impetus for me to leave was that I feared our children would stop coming home because of him. But now they are going to him more because they feel so sorry for him and are so concerned for him. They will be seeing a whole load more of him than of me this Christmas. He has just managed to manipulate her into driving back to him (a very long drive) at a time that she had already determined to be at uni to get essays done prior to the start of term. (She will be going back there (detail removed by Moderator) for something specific, but doesn’t have any further commitments for a bit, so was just going to use the library for study). I hate him so much for doing this to her.
I love being away from him. I love being alone. But my days are upside down. I go to bed early because I’m exhausted and I wake during the night, stewing and angry that he has done this to me and is continuing to do it to them.
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You can say to her that she’s not responsible for his mental health. That it’s not right or fair of him to put that kind of pressure on her. When I split from my ex he used both kids to dump all his emotional c**p on. They were telling me how depressed dad was when I was the one who was raped and assaulted. He shifted his target onto them and I think they resented me for that. I think they both knew I was being abused even though I didn’t. They were happy for me to ‘deal with him’ as it was a buffer for them. I think you could have a word with her therapist too. Make sure they’re aware of the tactics of an abuser. Everyone is collateral damage for an abuser. They’re selfish to the core. Maybe she will simply have to discover that for herself but let her have the tools to do that. Give her the book or tell her to look at Living with the Dominator. There are sections that you could highlight for her. Tactics abusers use. He’s doing this deliberately to upset you so don’t let him see and hopefully she will get fed up with his nonsense too.
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