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So draining and so tired. I have not had any time off this year, I work in a small (detail removed by Moderator). We all cancelled holidays to keep the (detail removed by Moderator) open and running. Christmas was 14 hour days, on my feet with no breaks. Grabbing food and drinks when we could.
I also did all the gift shopping, food shopping and ran the house. He offered help to cook meals, this is the new him. Not actually cooking anything but maybe open a tin.
He complained about the hours I worked, claiming I wasn’t fit enough to do them. He found fault with everything.
Last night he was annoyed I couldn’t stay awake to see in the new year, I was exhausted. Apparently he needed to declare his undying love and tell me how worried he is I don’t love him. He knows he has hurt me but I need to let the past go. I am a blank page to him these days, he can no longer read me. It wasn’t a conscience decision to hurt me, it was his childhood, the bullying at school and so on. That he has attempted to build bridges with our youngest but is rejected and that until she grows up and starts sorting herself out he won’t fix things. It doesn’t matter how much it’s hurting me, living with them both like this. It should be enough that he lets her move home or doesn’t kick her out because of the way she is.
I write on here because it’s a way of venting but also of keeping a basic record of things.
I am just exhausted and had enough. Over (detail removed by Moderator) years with him and a part of me wants to sleep and not wake up. I made a promise to myself that this year would be my last year with him and it’s making me panic and scared of the fight I know I am going to have to be free. -
Sleep deprivation is a known tactic of abusers. My ex was the same. I did absolutely everything too. It’s how they want to keep us. Busy and exhausted because then we don’t have the energy to fight for our freedom. Leaving him will be a blessing for you. I did it after decades. It’s the trauma you’re left with that’s difficult but there’s so much help out there. There’s a reason January is the busiest time for divorce solicitors so you can imagine the abuse that goes on at this time of year. Think about your here and now. The past is painful and the future is scary but by grounding yourself in the here and now it makes it easier. It sounds like he brings nothing to this relationship. Try the pro and cons list of staying with him. Ask yourself what is actually stopping you from leaving?
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I’m just so tired of being the one who has to sort everything, who tries to keep everyone happy especially him. I have read so many books and know it’s never going to get better but I just feel defeated and worn down.
The strength I had to get me to this point has gone. I spend most days ensuring he only sees a blank version of me, my counselling starts again next week, my 2nd session.
I have sent an enquiry to a solicitor though to find out my options.
Last year was so exhausting work wise which hasn’t helped. Having a few days off now. -
Take these days for yourself. He will try to monopolise you. Keep you down but take yourself out for a walk. Anywhere away from him. My ex wouldn’t leave me alone. Following me round the house. Not letting me nap. Is there somewhere you can go for a rest. A family member or friend? You’re taking baby steps with the solicitor and that’s the way to just keep moving forward. Slowly building up your support network and a safe exit plan. Once I got rid of my abuser my life changed completely.I used to go from one bad experience to another. One bad thought to another. Now it’s one positive experience to another and one positive thought. Abusers keep us tired and anxious and low. I couldn’t imagine growing old with my ex. I just didn’t have the energy to recover the way I did when I was younger. I knew I was heading down a very dark path x get out while you’re still young and fit. You have your work which is a great distraction for you when you leave and you will have the time to yourself to spend on yourself when you’re not working. As human beings we crave what is normal to us, we don’t like change but change is good x
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I can totally understand your feelings about leaving. Your total exhaustion won’t be helping and this will automatically make you more panicky. I don’t think anyone will pretend that leaving an abusive man is easy, they make it as hard as they can.
If you have good friends and the love of your family, they will help you through. Going through my divorce brought me friends and support from unexpected places. More women than I realised had gone through this and they just surrounded me. I’m wondering if working long hours in a small (detail removed by Moderator) will have brought you close to your colleagues/boss in a way that you weren’t close before?
The forum is always here and there is also a chat line too so before you embark on anything, know that there are always people here for you with comforting and strengthening words, people who really understand.
It sounds like your daughter is also ready to leave him but doesn’t have the financial security to do so? She will be right with you on this. Having my children with me made a world of difference to me.
Try to find a solicitor who specialises in abuse as they should try to shield you from all his shinanigans in a way other solicitors might not understand. Reach out and see who takes your hand, you might be surprised.
We’re with you. xx
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Sorry to hear you’re feeling drained catjam. It’s exhausting dealing with these men let alone after long work hours.
I was working long hours in December and I’d call my partner up on breaks and never knew what kind of mood he’d be in. Most of the time he’d be sulky and playing victim and start on about how unloving or unsupportive I’ve been. I’d tell him I’m at work so obviously can’t discuss those things and he would just say it’s a cop out. Amazing really that he obviously didn’t care that I was in the middle of a long shift at work.How immature of your partner to behave this way. He sounds like my Dad playing t*t for tat with his daughter like a child.
I too am so afraid of the journey ahead, actually leaving and the nastiness that will no doubt come from it. It’s exhausting just thinking about it. I’m constantly worrying about the future or grieving for the past. Other people on here have told me to try and take things one day at a time.
I hope you can have a few days off to relax and do some nice things for yourself x*x
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Your reply’s brought me to tears. He isn’t leaving me alone, keeps asking if we can go out. I told him I didn’t but if he had things to do then get on with it. He’s just watching me, suffocating. Unfortunately due to the restrictions it’s not easy to go anywhere and I know my sister will be in bed as she will have enjoyed last night a little too much.
He is carrying on like nothing is wrong, he clearly feels that because he keeps declaring his love and how he can’t bear the thought of life without me it would be enough to win me wound. This has always been the case in the past but it doesn’t work anymore. I actually asked him last night how he could treat so badly the person he worships. He claims he doesn’t know he was doing it, I said clearly you do because you aren’t like it with other people. So you are totally in control. I don’t think he answered that. When he starts getting defensive or blaming everything else I stop talking. It’s hard though because I want him to know exactly how badly he has hurt me but I know I’ll end up more upset when he still refuses to acknowledge his part. -
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He actually helped tidy the house, it’s too late in my opinion. I needed the help before Christmas plus he keeps asking if I want help making food.
Then he has the gall to ask me why I have been ‘off’ all day.
I asked him to just make some food, he gets annoyed because I know he can’t cook. I sit and watch him and I think this is how you have controlled me for years. Getting angry and waving his hands about, intimidating me so he doesn’t have to do things he doesn’t want to.
He wanted us to go out somewhere for a walk or a drive, I was tired so said no. I have barely been home these last few months so I have things I want to do but now they won’t get done because if I don’t go out today then he will be unbearable. Especially as he isn’t leaving my side.
I’m just dead inside and I feel hollowed out. -
Yep I remember the bullying and controlling behaviour and the giving in to keep the peace. I’d lock myself in the bathroom and eventually put a lock on the bedroom door to keep him out. It’s no way to live. He wants you permanently exhausted. You’re easier to manipulate control and bully. Go to a friend or family member and sleep and rest there x gather your strength.
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