Reactive Abuse

Hi there, you’re not alone in this. I also got to the point where I began doing these things in retaliation and self-defence. I’ve been free for a long period now but yes I had got to the same place you are. I recall being so shocked by myself and sick in my stomach. I didn’t recognise myself. It was like reverting back to being a child in the playground again when another kid comes up to you and pushes you and you push them back. Like you, I wasn’t behaving like this with anyone else but that is because no-one else was bullying me or abusing me.

Him filming you is very concerning. (detail removed by Moderator) Do you recognise yourself anymore?

You’re reacting like this because of the abuse. It can make us feel like we are losing our minds. I’m ashamed to say I’ve lashed out and called mine swear words plenty of times before and literally shook with rage where I have felt so frustrated.
What is he doing with these videos of you when he films you retaliating? It’s not right for him to be doing that at all. xx

This reminds me of a saying by George Bernard Shaw “Never wrestle with pigs. You get dirty and besides, the pigs like it”.
He feels like he’s winning every time he gets you to debate, defend, argue or react in any way. See if you can detach, observe and distance yourself in these situations. It’ll be very hard to do but it’s the only way to free yourself from his manipulation.

This is so so cruel. No you’re not the abuser. It’s like some sort of sick act he performs to watch you retaliate. It’s truly awful. I’ve actually had my ex threaten that he’d call the police on me! Firstly know that you are behaving perfectly normal in an abnormal situation. I often felt unsafe around my partner, but not necessarily physically unsafe, more psychologically unsafe. I was a woman in the edge. That’s what they want. They hurt and goad us to feed off the drama.
It’s really hard to keep yourself mentally strong in these situations. Seek out support. You don’t have to live like this. He sounds like a very dangerous man Xx

You’re definitely NOT the abuser. You are retaliating and defending yourself against a malicious abusive aggressor.
He is getting a power trip each time he is able to make you react to his abuse. I’m sure you can catch him smirk and gloat on some occasions. Filming his ‘victory’ – the state you are in – after he abused you is appalling.
The abuse and the filming is very concerning, he is obviously very calculating and intend to use the footage against you should you ever end up in court. I dearly hope for your sake no children are involved.

Please do reach out for help, contact Women’d Aid to start with and ask for guidance. You shouldn’t have to suffer this.
Know that you are reacting very normally to his provocations.
Abuse is a pattern of behaviour seeking power and control over another’s person. This is what he is doing with you. Controlling your behaviours and reactions.
You can try Grey Rock method which means not engaging with him in any meaningful way. You keep your routine as is, but slowly detach yourself from him, taking your power back.
Grey rock will not make the abuse go away nor will it decrease its intensity. It will however destabilise your abuser for a while. While he searches for new ways to abuse you, including being nice to you to reel you back in, grey rock does give you back control over your own self. Instead of reacting – which is what he wants – you will be able to better respond. And responding to abuse is basically responding to your very own needs. Recognise the danger you’re in and aim for safety. Women’s Aid can help you plan a safe exit.
Another useful tool that helped me whilst still in the relationship and even after is
JADE; Justify, Apologise, Defend, Explain.
Never JADE yourself to an abuser.
You can not use reason to argue someone out of a point when they didn’t enter the argument using reason.

Be safe and stay strong. 💪💕
Keep posting.

This man is very dangerous for your mental health and well-being. What he’s doing with his mental cruelty is as good as dangling you off a cliff edge.
Is there anyone you can call for help? Someone you can confide in? Can you call your local domestic abuse service?
Try and breath and stay calm as best you can. This man is playing a very dangerous psychological game, but it is just that. He’s not in reality. You are, you know the truth. He’s upping his tactics to manipulate you, confuse you and make you vulnerable. He’s not happy that you haven’t given into him and he’s making you pay.
Is there anywhere safe you can go with the children? I’m worried about you. You’re not alone. Keep posting x*x

He sounds dreadful. Hetty’s right, this is very dangerous for your mental health what he is doing to you. Please reach out to womens aid or NDA helpline. I actually called the NDA helpline for someone else recently, I found leaving a voicemail meant I actually got a call back much quicker than just waiting on the phone line. You can also leave a voicemail stating you only have x amount of time to speak and they’ll make you a priority call back. I actually missed the call the first time they rang and because it’s called from a private number I couldn’t ring back but they actually rang me again 10 minutes later. Please keep us updated. We are all here for you. Remember this is all him not you, like Hetty said he’s not in reality but you are xx

This is exactly what I have been going through and it will not stop it will only get worse.Whst you have described as bunds like you have watched my life and wrote it down .These men are mentally unwell , do not allow yourself to suffer mentally at his hands.I got to the point of wearing headphones with music playing so I couldn’t hear him. I tried so hard to protect my children from it all but they have also suffered for hearing things too.Please don’t react it’s very difficult but your fuelling his ego to want more the next time he needs a boost from being a weak individual.Maybe privately voice record him for evidence too !

Hi hope2021,

I’m glad you got to speak to someone at domestic violence service. Often we just can’t believe how bad things are, it’s the drip drip effect in many cases.
I’d just say that I was worried about uprooting my child. Honestly, he settled really quickly. The truth is he wanted out as much as I wanted it. The day I said we are leaving he calmly waited in his room and left without shedding a tear. He knew it was coming. He’d heard me being told to (detail removed by moderator) plenty of times. When I left my priority was to get his stuff which I did. It’s meant I was able to sort his bedroom straight away. He’s been able to stay in the same school too and with help from friends and family he settled quickly. Uprooting my child kept me stuck for a long time. You have to do what is right for you and your children but I’d just say explore every possible option. There’s always hope ❤️

You are experiencing the exact same pattern of abuse I have , I am new on here and it has been a massive eye opener on what I have been through and hearing you are now experiencing the same I feel your pain. Contact domestic abuse online chat & women’s aid they will help you ,give you a case worker and put you in touch with organisation s that can too.I also avoided involving the police and regret it now

I agree. You’re hurting yourself by thinking of a ‘broken home’. What is a home really? What is a family? Do we stay in dysfunction to keep the family together? A home is a safe place. When we live in abuse it’s not a safe place. You are your children’s home. You are their safe place. They will be happy wherever their mum is. You can’t flourish in this home and nor can your children.
Only after I left did my child really tell me what it was like for him living with my husband. He felt totally powerless and anxious. I could see that he was growing resentment towards me for allowing it to continue. He started acting out.
I felt shame uprooting my son. He’s had a lot to cope with over the years. More than anything I wanted to show him that you can always make changes no matter how big the mistake is and that how we were living was not normal. It’s been the hardest but best think I’ve done.
I know you love him and don’t want this to be happening but we can’t hide. Loving them won’t make this stop. They won’t stop. We have to say “no more”. It’s a very hard thing to do. It took me a very long time to get to that point. I spent months and months getting my ducks in a row as Kip puts it.
Lots of love xx

Expecting them to be the ‘man’ or rather responsible and accountable for themselves and their actions, which is what we expect of adults, is like asking a toddler to cook a three course meal… it’s not going to happen. Really, it isn’t.

Very well done for being resilient and determined to get yourself and your children out of what can only be described as a living nightmare. I imagine your children are coping the best way they know how as you are. But the truth is, no-one should have to cope. This is no way to live. It’s not what life is meant to feel like. Sure, we all have times when life throws us challenges but they should be short-term. What you and your children are living in and through is long-term despair and distress.

If your parents are able to lend you the money for a deposit on a place or help you out in any which way, please do not feel too proud or ashamed to ask. You are not a failure. You are being abused. There is always a way out. There is always hope x

Keep posting x