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Hello,
I ended things with my boyfriend (detail removed by Moderator) days ago and just wanted to speak to someone about it and get clarification if it was actually abuse or not.
I have been speaking to a therapist for (detail removed by Moderator) and she knows about everything and wanted me to leave asap, it was only recently I had the courage to do so, and now he’s messaging me all these lovely things saying he will do anything to get me back and I’m starting to doubt myself and feel incredibly guilty for leaving him.He moved here from (detail removed by Moderator) and we started dating in (detail removed by Moderator) and on the (detail removed by Moderator) date he told me he loved me, it was amazing to begin with, he would buy me gifts and take me away on weekend trips, but it seemed to be moving very quickly for me and I was scared to tell him. Anyway a couple months into being in a relationship with him he started slapping me as a joke and would bite me extremely hard whenever he wanted, and wouldn’t stop when I told him too, he hated seeing me naked and wouldn’t let me sleep naked – if I did he got angry. He would get angry if I didn’t change in the bathroom after having a shower, he hated me lounging around in my underwear or leggings because they were ‘skin tight’
He started putting his hand up to threaten to slap me whenever I did something he didn’t like.
He called me (detail removed by Moderator) and an idiot and whenever we had an argument he always said I don’t have the comprehension to understand what he is saying. He hardly ever said sorry or admitted his mistakes and he said he was controlling because he really loved and cared for me – he would say he has to fix these bad parts of my personality because he cared so much.
He hated me eating (detail removed by Moderator) – I get have IBS and (detail removed by Moderator) makes it worse so he would always tell me off for eating it and then go silent on me for hours until I begged him to forgive me.
Once whilst we were making (detail removed by Moderator) I put a bit of (detail removed by Moderator) in my mouth and he grabbed my face and pulled my jaw open and took out the (detail removed by Moderator).
He wouldn’t let me chose my own haircut of glasses style and said he had to attend to make sure I wasn’t going to make a stupid decision that he won’t like.
He would ring me at least (detail removed by Moderator) times a day and would always ask why I was online (on whatsapp) but taking ages to reply to him, he had to know who I was with or talking too.
Whenever I didn’t want sex he would say okay then not touch me or hug me, and he would push me away whenever I would try to hug or kiss him. He would say “I will do the same and say no when you want sex”
He wanted me to come off my antidepressants and instead go to him if I was depressed or anxious, he hated me having therapy and said he should be my therapist.
And on my birthday (detail removed by Moderator) before I left him, he started an argument saying I was leaving him out (about (detail removed by Moderator) before my birthday he moved (detail removed by Moderator), about (detail removed by Moderator) hours from me, and I decided to stay (detail removed by Moderator), so he wasn’t with me on my birthday) but I had called him in (detail removed by Moderator) and had been texting him throughout the day but he still said I was leaving him out and ignoring him because I was spending too much time with my family.I’m not sure if this is a red flag or not, but he would never tell me about his past relationship – I don’t even know her name. He got extremely angry and irritated when I mentioned his past, or when I talked about my own.
When I write this all down it does sound bad, but for some reason my mind is telling me he did it all because he cared for me and just didn’t know how to express it. I’m feeling extremely guilty for leaving him and really don’t want to hurt his feelings or break his heart.
Thank you for reading this, I’m sorry that it’s quite long. I’m feeling very torn and confused so any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you! -
Hi Raindew.
What you have just stated sounds horrible, in my opinion this is abuse and I’m so happy for you that you’re out of this relationship before it goes any further and complicated.
I have also doubted and questioned if my relationship was abusive and I know it’s a lonely and dark place to be. Sometimes I still doubt myself. I can relate to some of the things you’ve said.
You’ve done amazing to leave, I think what I’ve learnt is listen to your instinct. You’re worth so much more and there’s someone out there that’ll treat you right and respect you for who you are. No one needs to change you, if you can spend this time to love yourself to know your self worth and learn from it.
Please see this as a blessing and things will get better 💕
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It’s an incredibly difficult thing to process and come to terms with, but that is the nature of abuse and coercive control. It creeps up on you and makes you doubt your experience/reality. Trust your instinct, if something feels off then it usually is. I am still processing and accepting things myself, and at times I doubt myself. The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft has been really helpful for me to recognise that my ex did abuse me, why I stayed so long, and how it affected me. You are doing the right thing in getting support and you are very brave. Keep reaching out, you’re not alone x
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