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It seems like there are a lot of people on this forum (more people than usual?) who are really struggling at the moment. I thought it might be nice to share helpful advice and info that people can read without worrying about feeling triggered by reading the back story.
I’ve actually had a lot of good advice on here but I’ll just pick a few things for now:
– Read up on trauma bonds – this was a really big one for me, because after years of wondering what was wrong with me for staying with my abuser, I finally realised there was nothing wrong with me and found the mental space to face the reality of trying to leave.
– Learn about how abuse works (particularly reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft) – this helped me feel less hurt by my abuser’s actions and so far less emotionally crushed by them. I could see that it was all about his need for control and would happen whatever I did, so constantly trying to pacify him was pointless.
– Look at what he does, not what he says – I think this is really helpful for seeing through the things abusers do to try to tug at your heart (pleading, tears, promises to change, love bombing etc).
– You’ll leave when you’re ready and that’s ok – although it took me a long time to accept this (I think learning about trauma bonds really helped), it helped me deal with the shame of having wanted to leave for so long.
Please share what has helped you (whether from on this forum or other places) and why xxxx
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Change your thinking… you cant fight anger with anger
Love yourself … everything starts with self love
Know that there is a bigger picture … we can only see the part we are living
Have hope … without this you have nothing
Know that you are on this earth for a purpose … work out what that is
Know that you are not alone … reach out for help and it will be there
Have a sense of humour … even in your darkest hour see the light
There is a lesson in every situation … work it out, learn it, and move forward
Its ok to make a mistake … just don’t keep making them
Don’t let ‘his’ story be your story … write your own script
Always lead with love … its all we leave with
Always be kind to people … in some shape or form this will be returned to you
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Learn a grounding technique that you like and practice it often.
Feeling guilty doesn’t always mean you have done something bad. When we are abused we are made to feel guilty every time we put our own needs before our abusers needs. So a feeling of guilt can be confirmation that we are putting our own needs first, and that is a very positive thing.
The consequence of doing things because we feel guilty is resentment, and resentment is soul suicide. In a choice between guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.You can’t keep lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Silence is Power- Zip it! Abuse makes us explain and justify and excuse our every action in our attempts to avoid a confrontation. Abusers brain wash us and demand to know our every thought. There is great power in holding your counsel and keeping your views and plans to yourself.
Abusers don’t change and we can’t fix them. Asking why they act like they do is like asking a cat why it plays with the mouse before he kills it. The only person we have the power to change is ourselves.
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Everything from Dr Ramani on YouTube. And learning that the person I fell for couldn’t reemerge and stay because that person doesn’t exist. It was at best a story and at worst a lie. Just a strategy to hook me in and only brought back into existence when necessary to make me change my mind about leaving or to come back.
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Although I am fairly new to this forum, reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft was an education in itself. It enabled me to understand abuse, and how abusers function, it changed my mindset completely. I observe my husband’s behaviour and it’s exactly like the book says! It’s early days for me but I am interested to see how I fare moving forward with this knowledge.
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I just wanted to add…
Everything I know is because someone has taken the time to teach me, my parents, a teacher, a friend, a colleague, someone writing a book or posting on the internet, someone on TV, a relationship or just being gifted being in the right place at the right time to hear information I needed to learn… the hard way or the easy way
Take all the advice, help and support you can in life, but know that this is all it is… the only person who can truly help yourself, change yourself and free yourself is you
As hard as this is to hear, I know this to be true
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