My son was scared

Hi, yes there are places you can turn, there are things that can be put in to place, I’m hoping an adviser could give you some more info, or possibly try calling up?

I agree completely with what you said, it can sometimes be difficult if you feel as though you have no way out but you absolutely do.

A saw a post on here recently which listed things like – health, children, safety, home etc and said to write a list of which pulls priority, you sound like a very caring and loving mother so I already know your children and health (emotional health) will come before anything else.

I really feel for you, you and your children deserve nothing but happiness.

You’re never alone, we’re always here.

Sending lots of love x

Contact the national domestic abuse helpline and your local women’s aid as soon as possible. Don’t let him know what you’re doing. What a horrible nasty abuser. Time to get yourself and child safe x

Icantseethelight… you can see the light. Seeing that it’s abuse is the first glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sorry to hear it was a very sudden and harsh realisation. It must feel very painful. I felt so sad reading your post and my heart goes out to you and your children.

The other thing I felt was huge warmth from your description of how you responded to your son and how much you clearly love your children. Whatever has happened so far, don’t underestimate how much your love and support is helping your children.

You haven’t failed your children. You have managed the best you can under incredibly difficult circumstances. I found that learning about abuse helped me drop the guilt I felt for not leaving sooner. Your response to the abuse it totally normal. Being abused is like having your head and heart regularly put in a blender. Abusers do that to you to get and maintain control of you. It is unrealistic for anyone to expect to be able to respond in the same way somebody who isn’t being abused would. I always recommend reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (you can read it free online at archive.org) and google trauma bonding.

The other thing you might find helpful is reading When dad hurts mom by Lundy Bancroft, also available to read free online. It talks about how to help your children and stresses the fact that your love and support has a massively positive effect on the children.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is a good place to start. They can refer you to your local women’s aid. I would also recommend:
– Do not give your partner any idea about your plans. Leaving is the most dangerous time because he will feel a huge loss of control.
– Don’t challenge him about his behaviour. He will either turn it around to make it out to be your fault or punish you in some way.
– When you leave, do it when he is out of the house and don’t tell him you’ve gone until you’re safely away from him.
– Do not tell him where you’ve gone
– You might want some legal advice on taking the kids without telling him and how to break the news to him. Most solicitors offer a free initial consultation and some solicitors offer free advice on domestic abuse.
– Read up on typical tactics of abusers (e.g. the first book I mentioned above) to prepare you for how be might react. He will either try to threaten or intimidate, or give you a sob story about how he’s changed and will never do it again
– Once you’ve left, have no direct contact with him if possible. If that’s not possible, keep it only to essential stuff. Don’t get drawn into any unnecessary conversations. He will try to use them to manipulate you.
– Keep posting on here. You’ll find a wealth of support, understanding and information

You are stronger than you know and you will find your way to freedom. Sending lots of love xxxx