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I have been married for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and have 2 beautiful children who I love very much. I have been very unhappy for a long time but I thought maybe it was all in my head and that I was exaggerating it a bit . If I go out he phones and texts wanting to know when I’m back, he makes me feel guilty about having my hobbies , makes comments about being on the phone if I’m talking to friends . He often calls me nasty names and I just don’t get any emotional support from him at all. He does get aggressive and lose his temper but is never physically abusive. He says he behaves this way as I’m so difficult to live with etc . I want to leave with the children but I don’t want them taken away from their home either . Am I just being over sensitive?
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No your not being over sensitive which is how my ex disguised his abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Start keeping a secret journal. Getting aggressive and losing his temper is physical abuse. It’s scary and intimidating and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He chooses to abuse you. Ask yourself if a friend described this relationship to you, what advice would you give her. Talk to a solicitor and see where you stand regarding the house and finances. You can also ask about an occupation order to have him removed. What he’s doing is also considered child abuse. Abusing the mother is abusing the child. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline which is great to talk to someone. What you describe is serious abuse. Coercive control. My ex would make things so difficult for me going out that eventually I stopped going which is exactly what he wanted. Talk to your local womens aid for support x
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Unhappy&doubting it sounds like abuse, your name says it all. It all sounds rather familiar, the keeping in touch when you’re out, making you feel guilty about your hobbies, making comments when you’re on the phone to your friends and then aggression. This was me and my life decades ago with my husband, this is where it started. The keeping in touch when I was out (before mobiles) led to him ringing my friend’s house phones, shouting down it, or calling on the house where I was, so I stopped going round for coffee with friends because I would have panic attacks if their phone rang or if their doorbell went. Mobiles made the stalking worse. My hobbies, don’t get me started, he decided that all my interests were a waste of time and money, until over the years, I have all but one hobby left, an instrument, even now, he will interrupt when I’m on it, to ask stupid questions, or get me to do something. He can’t stand to see me relaxing. The nasty names, turned into more and worse insults, he has been physically abusive too. Although when I told my counsellor this I said “but only when I was pregnant”. I realised the enormity of what I stated when my counsellor let the words sit for a while. It just got worse and worse over the years, so (detail removed by Moderator) plus years ago I was where you are now, wanting to go but doubting my own truth. It’s taken me all these years, this forum, my adult children and my counsellor to say “this is abuse”. You don’t have to live a life of fear and doubt, I didn’t have the strength to leave because the stuffing had been knocked out of me and I just couldn’t face the facts that he was an abuser, it won’t get better. Well done for coming on here, that takes guts.
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Abuse makes us think we are going mad. Abusers lie and gaslight. Invalidate our feelings which can lead to depressive thoughts, it’s intimate terrorism and will destroy your mental health. Gather a support network. Your GP is a good start to disclose the abuse. It’s good evidence if needed for future if you ever need evidence for court or for an occupation order. You’ve got time to get your ducks in a row. There’s no point in telling him, in fact it’s dangerous to leave an abuser and he can become extremely dangerous when he’s losing control. So take baby steps and tell him nothing. Google the power and control wheel x
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I don’t mean to hi-jack but I can’t figure out how to start my own thread – this one is what I would have called mine.
I feel like I am in the same boat and I often worry that I am the abuser. I’ve been married a while with one little boy. My husband used to demand maintenance sex and I would let him but it made me feel sick. I don’t have a high sex drive. After my boy was born the stitches required make it painful and I often cut open when I do even after (detail removed by Moderator) years. I brought up how it made me feel and he asked if I would still have sex with him – I said yes though I am not sure why – and he said that was good because it meant that I loved him. He says that this didn’t happen.
Fast forward to Covid. I managed to get him to sleep in the spare room because he has a depressed immune system and it felt like a weight had been lifted. Then he had his vaccines. He’d approach the bedroom door and I would freeze because I kept thinking that any day now he is going to come back to the marital bed. It didn’t happen. Instead, I have been kept to this one room in the house. I can’t use our lounge or dining room except at Christmas and I can only use the kitchen when I won’t make any noise that could disturb his work. He also says that I don’t look after our son and that I ignore his existence (I don’t its just I know I will get my head bitten off if I don’t agree with the right thing). The way he says this makes me wonder if its not him but me. Am I the abuser? Am I the bad mother? I work a full time job (I went back full time after maternity on his request) and I can’t just drop things and go like he can (he is self-employed and a (detail removed by Moderator) for the rest).
(detail removed by Moderator) he took my son to the otherside of the country to see family but wouldn’t allow me to join them and only told me the week that they were going (infact he changed the day (detail removed by Moderator) times which would have made securing emergency leave impossible). He was planning to leave at (detail removed by Moderator) but I found out because (detail removed by Moderator)yr olds cant keep secrets! He’s there now and every day feels like I am on the verge of terror. I got to speak to my son for 1 minute 30 secs (detail removed by Moderator) and only received photos when I asked for them. I sent a message saying I missed our son and (detail removed by Moderator) with him. I was told that I don’t have (detail removed by Moderator) with him but I know that I do sit with him when I get home and have food and watch whatever cartoon he’s watching and he is sat next to me. My husband continues to say that I am never around but I work and when I suggest not doing so he has a fit. He says that I leave him to do everything but I don’t even know its happening till its too late.
All of this makes me sooo confused as to whether I am the one at fault or if its him. I don’t want to abuse him!! I am planning on getting things together to file for divorce but I am terrified he will keep my son by using my ‘absence’ against me even though he wont have it any other way. I can’t afford to lose 60% of my wages to him for child support and live and not seeing my son would be even worse.Sorry for the extremely long post. If anyone reads all of this – is it me? Am I ghosting, gaslighting, etc?
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You’re right Kip, abuse does think we’re going mad, the nitpicking, gaslighting, interrogations, criticisms, condemnations, sneers, questioning your ability as a mother/wife/employee/driver/housekeeper/friend will all get to you overtime. If you fight back, you’ll be accused of being abusive and hormonal, if you ignore it, the anger and resentment builds up. If you try to “improve” to be free of his nastiness, it will never be enough. All I can say is two of my adult children say I should have left long ago, we would all have been spared his madness.
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Planetyazoo
Just saw your message . Trust your instinct. Something made you come on here. I’m sure you’re a great mother . I work full time as well but it doesn’t mean you should feel bad for that. The whole sex thing is horrendous. He should respect your body and your feelings . If your home doesn’t feel like a safe and happy place there’s something wrong , that’s what made me post yesterday. My advice to you would be to back date any issues or problems that have made you feel upset or uncomfortable , times when he was nasty or made you feel bad about having sex. This is vital . Try and date it when pinpoint the month . Lots of love . I’m struggling too. Here anytime you want a chat -
Hi planet yazoo just wanted to comment and say I understand what you have experienced with maintenance sex ..I know how it makes us feel ..walking on eggshells because of being under pressure to do something that we don’t want to do and being made to feel its our fault ..I used to get anger if I didn’t comply for a large part of my marriage..I’m out now and wish you all the best
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Hi planetyazoo I understand your pain ex has care of my lil one I only got contact if he came an stayed wkends he always wanted sex I just wanted to spend time with lil one but would give or he stop my contact he say I a unfit mother it only a matter time before I lose my other kids accuse me of having sex with other men cause I wouldn’t give to him I tried to work with him he not gonna change an now I not seen my lil one for (detail removed by Moderator) I want to fight for my child but not got courage your not alone xx
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