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Trigger warning for sexual assault –
I don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with it yet. I’m having flashbacks / nightmares still even over (detail removed by moderator). He ingrained it into me that if you talk about your ex your not over them (I disagree) but that anxiety attached to talking about it doesn’t disappear. It’s a constant back and forth in my brain between what I know and what is his opinion. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore and the vicious cycle of anxiety is becoming harder to deal with. My life is actually great right now on paper, but I just can’t enjoy it.
I don’t know whether to pursue something with the police due to some incidents, but there is no real evidence so I’m unsure if it can even go anywhere. And it’s so hard to know if I’m overreacting or over dramatising the situations or whether it was really my fault.
He rubbed himself on me in my sleep, and I woke up with his bits in my hands. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and my head is spinning just typing it. Among other things, taking pictures of me whilst I’m asleep, half naked and getting changed. Then he swore it was me who let him take them. I’m not confident and would NEVER let anyone take those pictures of me.
He’s also recently stolen (detail removed by moderator) and tried to take loans out in their name. As far as I try to distance myself he still finds a way to get at me. I just can’t make sense of so many things and I don’t know where to turn. I just want peace and it’s so hard to find and create that when I can’t resolve my past in my brain, or know what is right or wrong. I have to put issues to bed with myself before I can truly move on, and I just don’t feel like it is.
It’s just a lot to think about and I guess I just need to vent to someone, somewhere who doesn’t think I just go on and on like a broken record. I hope this makes sense, I’m not great at articulating how this is making me feel.
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Hello Flowersandcats,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it sounds like there are some really distressing memories for you that are understandably having a big impact on you presently.
What you are describing in your post is sexually abusive behaviour and you are not overreacting or dramatising in any way. Quite often abusers minimise and normalise their behaviour so much it can cause us to question ourselves and I can hear you are very much questioning yourself and your version of events.
There is no excuse for the coercive, manipulative and un-consensual acts your ex partner committed against you, it sounds like he also used gaslighting tactics to blame you or change the narrative.
Have you been able to access any emotional support with what you have been through? I wonder if it would be helpful to connect with a sexual abuse support service to talk to someone who understands what you are going through. The Rape Crisis website has a page where you can find your local centre: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
They also have a helpline and webchat if you feel it would be useful to access some initial support over the phone or online, they are on 0808 802 9999, or https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/You are entitled to feel a desire for justice for what has happened, this is a perfectly natural response. You can report sexual abuse any time, even if it didn’t happen very recently, but if you would like some advice around the process of reporting, a sexual abuse support service will be able to speak to you about that. Rights of Women can also offer free legal advice around sexual offences on their criminal law advice line: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/criminal-law/
It’s good that you are feeling able to open up about this now and seek support with beginning to come to terms with what you have been through.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Hi Flowersandcats,
What happened to you is awful. Your abuser will always try to minimise, gaslight, manipulate, and invalidate what they did to you.
Definitely look up the resources above, and if you want to chat to someone going through the reporting process for a sexual offence, feel free to dm me if you would like to.
Sending you hugs.
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