Coercive Control by an otherwise ‘nice’ person

Hi. I got divorced (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Only recently have I realised that perhaps I was at the receiving end of coercive control. Reading back some diary entries confirms this.

However, I am still struggling with:
– believing it was him. I still believe I am being unreasonable and difficult and that I am the problem. Despite being a very strong character, and having stood up for our son time and time and time again over the years, having to do so in front of someone who makes out that I’m unreasonable really takes its toll on me
– Dealing with him as a co-parent, at the moment over changes I want to make in his contact with his son (changing the day to suit my son better). Every time I have to communicate with him, and get my son’s needs put first, or stand up for myself/him to my ex, I break down. When I do not have to deal with my ex, I am back to being my happy, positive, headstrong self, and the best mother I’ve ever been. When something comes up with my ex that requires me to stand up to him, my anxiety, insomnia and panic comes back. I’m a bag of nerves. I’m constantly trying to find reassurance that my position IS reasonable, and DOES put our son first, because he’s always causing me to doubt that.

I would like some support both for my mental health, in healing the scars I am left with, and practically in knowing that what I am suggesting IS reasonable, and legal, and that I can have the confidence to know that if he doesn’t like it, it’s his problem, not mine. How do you repeatedly stand up to a coercive controlling man, without knowing 100% that you ARE being reasonable??