Debt

Hi wakemeup,

Sometimes we try so hard to make a relationship work that we’ll do whatever we can think of in the hope that the other person will start to feel as much about us as we do about them. We never stop to think about whether the relationship is equal, whether we are being met half way, or if it’s always us that is giving and the other that is taking. We are so caught up in trying to show them what a wonderful person we are to be with that we don’t stop and look at whether they are a wonderful person for us to be with. We invest in people we are attracted to without hesitation and do not step back and see how much they are prepared to invest in us.

When the reality dawns on us that all of our giving and generosity has amounted to nothing in return it does leave us feeling cheated and worthless and unvalued. However, your kindness and generosity is not a flaw in you, it is a beautiful thing, it has just been wasted on the wrong man.

Please don’t punish yourself for this. You are coping with it by way of a ‘quick fix’ that makes you feel better, but this is a form of addiction, and if you don’t get on top of it now it can get out of hand. Impulse buying can lead to hoarding, and also further debt.

Forgive yourself for being nice to a man who didn’t deserve you and remember there is someone out there who does xx

Hi wakemeup,

I think a lot of us will have been in a similar situation, please don’t feel ashamed and please don’t continue to bury your head or over spend as that will only make you feel worse in the long run.

There are quite a few ways out of debt – none of them quick fixes. There is a charity called step change who will help you with your options – have a look on google.

Mostly, forgive yourself.

Scarecrow x

Me too, wakemeup. Debt is a material result of how I was manipulated and controlled that will be with me for years, like a constant reminder, no matter where I go, or what I do. During my relationship my abuser expected me to pay for everything – bills, mortgage, insurance, food, holidays, kids clothes, repairs, the car, petrol, birthday meals and events – even Christmas – all my responsibility. He took out loans and cards in my name. He said he would pay his way but he would ‘forget’ and if I pushed the point he would rage that I was petty or mean – didn’t I trust him? Sometimes he stuffed money down my top or threw it at me. Sadly, after I had got away from him, I used spending as a way to distract myself and manage my feelings which were soothed for a minute by shopping. I look for other ways to self-soothe now but it is a hard road and I needed a good therapist to help me. Also, I called Citizens Advice as first step. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not alone, so be kind to yourself. xx

Same here. I paid for everything- even petrol for his car. When I left him he still owed me money and that’s not counting all the presents, weekends away, dinners – things that I paid because he would constantly “forget” his cc in the house.
I am not ashamed of this bit of the relationship – I did all that because I wanted and cared. Do not feel shame and forgive yourself. Sending you strength.