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If a person isn’t physically violent, but uses their size to block your way / restrain you.
If a person doesn’t make outright threats but coats it in playful, jokey language.
If they present certain options as a way of helping you with a specific situation, but then get annoyed if you don’t follow their way of doing things.
Is that abusive behaviour? -
Absolutely it is. It’s intimidation to start with. Undermining your opinions, psychological (gaslighting)abuse by dismissing your feelings and trying to make out they are joking.The only way someone should be restrained is if they are a danger to themselves or anyone else. Also setting you up for coercive control by offering options which you choose not to follow. Have you read the dominator by Pat Craven or looked at the Freedom Project? That’s a course run by zoom at the moment, but there is an online booklet with it. It shows what an abusive relationship is like compared to a healthy one.
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Thanks for replying @Redpanda123 I’m working my way through the Pat Craven book at the moment.
Doing the freedom course from home would be difficult due to privacy issues and going anywhere in person is not an option right now, but maybe something for the future.
The logical side of my brain tells me that things are not right in my relationship, but the emotional side isn’t able to accept it. Perhaps that’s a survival mechanism or something.
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Definitely, my experience of abuse is like that, it was never in your face, always coated in lies and excuses.
But if you stand back, if you ask others, it screams of abuse.
They are such good manipulators, actors, great at gaslighting, this is why you are questioning it.
Keep reading others posts on Is it Abuse?
Everyone needs to ask this question because it is so confusing for the person actually in the situation.
We need validation because our abuser, the person we should be able to trust and the person who should be able to tell us the truth – gaslights us.
x*x -
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I feel like my self worth has slowly been destroyed. The put downs (always done in a jokey manner). Being made to feel as though I’m not good enough. I doubt and second-guess everything.
Yet I was taught in therapy that no one can make you feel anything, so I don’t know if what I just said is right or not.
I’m even not sure if my version of events is real, or is my head making more of it than it is.-
Hi Darknessallaround,
So sorry you are experiencing this. Being unsure if your version of events, doubting your reality, is a result of gaslighting. Suffering abuse then having it constantly minimised by the abuser and disguised as “jokes” is crazy making behaviour, it’s no wonder you feel confused.
The thing about therapy you brought up is interesting and where a trauma informed therapist is so essential. Yes, under normal circumstances and in a place of physical and psychological safety we can learn to respond to circumstances rather than react and exert greater control over our emotions. We can emotionally regulate ourselves, or learn to, and from this place of safety and emotional regulation it is true that others can have little to no influence over how we feel- they can’t make us feel anything and we are the masters of our own feelings and emotions.
Living in abuse, however, is not a place of physical or psychological safety. We are in survival mode, our system cannot differentiate between the abuser and a tiger that is going to eat us, and we become trapped in a cycle of fright, flight, freeze and fawn. The most basic of tasks necessary for our survival are affected; eating, sleeping, laughing, human connection….regulating and managing the abusers emotions is our top priority (as we all know what happens when he’s unhappy about something…).
Locked in a battle of survival and constant managing of another’s moods leaves it impossible to emotionally regulate. I’m a level and responsive person now rather than the stressed out, anxious and reactive one I was because I’ve had quite a long time out of the abuse. I’ve been physically and psychologically safe. I firmly believe I would be in a psychiatric facility if I had stayed in my marriage. That is the difference between living in abuse and being free, or at least what it has meant to me.Good luck on your journey, take care and keep posting x*x
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I tried to speak to someone on livechat but because he was in the same room as me (but asleep), they wouldn’t continue the chat, even though I said I wasn’t at risk. Surely the client is the best person to judge if safe or not… so didn’t get anywhere with that.
Does anyone know if the health status of the abusive person is taken into account with regard to an Occupation order being granted?
Without disclosing detail, so hopefully this won’t get moderated – H has health issues, but I am his carer even though I have my own health problems too. A Consultant wants me to go to both a (detail removed by moderator), but H isn’t ok with me doing either because it means (detail removed by moderator). If I go against him and say I’m going, it’ll be days of alternating rage and silent treatment which was what happened last time I stood my ground. I haven’t dared try it again since….
….which makes me feel like the biggest coward, because it’s nothing physical, just emotional/psychological. All I have to do is stand up to him. Tell him I’m making and keeping the appointments, and go. The fear of how things will be when I get back is what stops me from even trying. Pathetic I know.
I just don’t know what to do about this situation any more. It will continue for as long as covid continues, and who knows how long that will be. I can’t go through another year like the last 2.
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Your not pathetic, his aggressive and intimidating attitude has made you react like this. We have all been in the same situation, we feel weak, feel we should be able to stand up to them, feel a stronger person would be able to stand up to them. Truth is they have worked their tactics on us for so long we have been broken down systematically. Its the result of their abuse. Your being like this to keep yourself safe, there is nothing pathetic about keeping yourself safe.
Can you lie about where you are going?
Whatever you do, your health is your priority and you have the right to look after your health
Xx
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Let me turn this around, can you answer me on whether this is abuse or not.
He says in a joking way
A house wife means that a wife should stay at home.
I liked you better when you were fat nobody fancied you then.
Id love to punch you in the face.
If i want sex but you dont surely we must have sex.
If you dont have sex you are telling me you are having an affair.
Nobody wants you anyway look at the state of you.
Theres so many more i could add. So abusive or not? Im guessing you are saying yes and theres no difference between what my husband says to what your does im guessing right? Theres your answer sweetie.
I couldnt see it for so long wouldnt believe it didnt want too its way too hard to think that the person who should love you who says they love you can hurt you in this ugly nasty way but sadly some do and we will never understand why we drive ourselves crazy trying to understand I still am now.
So what now? You need to reach out again get some help believe and trust in yourself and move foward whatever that may be.
Sending you love and hugs x*x
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