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I’ve been in this relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years, it’s been a whirlwind to say the least, we have recently split up, he pushed and pushed and I finally snapped I hit him and said awful things I totally regret, I know my behaviour isn’t acceptable or justifiable, ive spent years with him telling me I’m a s**g and I’m always after attention off men, he puts me down but in a joke way, says it’s just banter, he’s made me so paranoid about my hair, my breath my teeth, so the point it’s become obsessive, he always says miss average can do what I do, I’m an attractive women and I do get a lot of attention but I don’t ever act on it, if anything I tend to be embarrassed about it, we have been on nights out and he’s been annoyed with men looking at me and then ignored me all night, he’s made me paranoid that it’s my fault, I don’t even look at men, but he will happily look and comment on attractive women, then I become jealous, but it’s like he’s doing it on purpose for a reaction, he calls me names and says men only look at me because I’m easy and that’s all they want and what I’m good for. Obviously I’m upset quite a lot of the time, I have to beg for his attention and he will ignore me for days and I’m getting more desperate and continue to call text to just be ignored, then he will snap out of his mood and text like everything is ok, if I go out with my friends he gives me the cold shoulder, if I post any pictures he hates it and sulks and says I’m begging attention.
The relationship was very one sided I would always put in the effort, and he really wasn’t that bothered,I know I’m better off without him but why on earth do I miss him badly, I’m struggling to accept it’s emotional abuse, my gp and victim support groups have said it’s him, why can’t I accept it and move on? Sorry for long essay -
hello Tryingtomoveonsafe
I could have written what you just did! This is all the reason you cannot stop thinking about him. Read again what you write about constantly having to be aware of appeasing him, all the actions you had to continually take because of nasty consequences from him.
He has trained you very very well into submission, groomed you, to constantly thinkof him and prioritise him.
It is therefore no surprise that you cannot stop this easily. He took up the whole of your brain space continually, and it doesn’t stop the instant you leave. Its normal to feel this way, plus you have feelings of course, and none of it just disappears the instant you realise and leave because its over for you.
You now have to grieve and retrain your brain to focus on yourself. The things you like to do. Its very annoying when you can’t shake them off your mind, but it will come, only with distant, time, and lots of caring for yourself for once now you have the space to do as you wish.
Its odd isn’t it, that you get the space back that you so crave, and spend it all thinking about him! Can’t shake it off. Its good that you are dconsciously aware of it, because this means you can start to do something about it, challenge it. Like each time he’s in your mind tell him to get lost, or whatever works best for you, it may be you self-talk of all the horribvle things he did, or keep challenging it with you don’t love me or want me, or you’re selfish, or any of the things he useed to make you feel and think when you were together that were reasons for leaving, also give yourself some room to just grieve the loss of what you hoped you had, but has gone. It makes it feel more final, and be gentle with yourself whilst you go through this.
warmest wishes ts
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As twistedsister says you’ve got to rewrite your thoughts and emotions, so much easier said than done! So don’t be too hard on yourself. We’ve learnt to survive in these relationships and been conditioned so that small gestures mean so much more than they should. Look up cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding on YouTube, I think realising it’s your hormones tricking you helps a lot. Be kind to yourself
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Thank you for you reply, I started crying when I read ur post, because I still can’t accept it’s abuse, yet I know full well it is, my thoughts and feelings conflict each other, I hate how I feel, I’m taking positive steps and trying to keep myself busy, I’m doing things that I enjoy and it feels great to not have that constant knot in my tummy about him, I don’t feel on eggs shells anymore, I do have weak moments when I wish he would unblock me and forgive me for the huge argument I caused, but deep down I know I can’t go back to him, my mental health was suffering because of his horrible mean ways.
Thank you x
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