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Omg every day all I think about is him, how I miss him how I want him to hug me and take away this horrible feeling I can’t shake, I’m lying to myself every day and saying to people I’m done with him, I’m not, I miss him, why on earth am I feeling this way towards him when I hate everything he’s said and done to me! We havnt spoken for a while he’s blocked/unblocked and ignored me if I’ve reached out to him, but today I rung him out of habit and he answered, I froze I actually didn’t have a clue what to say, tbh I didn’t say anything I really needed to say, was so took back at the fact he answered my call.
Why do I love him? I’m so positive in every other aspect of my life, work is going amazing I’ve started new things, so why can’t I move on from him! Trauma bonding everyone keeps saying, and I get it is that but how can I stop this wanting him, I know going back it won’t last, it’s like a drug addiction, I can’t shake him off! I know after years of this the minute he touches me I know I’ll want him back and I’ve had the fix of him I need, can anyone else relate to this or am I crazy like he says I am? -
Hi, Tryingtomoveonsafe
I completely understand you, and you’re not crazy. I feel like this and I am sure a lot of other people on here might feel/have felt like this too.
Identifying it’s trauma bonding is a step toward liberation from your feelings, but it’s definitely not the finish line. What might help is maybe going through whatever evidence you have of the abuse. Messages, journal entries, memories… So that you remind yourself why it is that it would not work.It is the hardest part, and you’ll have to feel all that mix of feelings. But it’ll get better.
Stay strong <3-
Thanks for the reply, I go over everything every single day! I look at everything over and over again and I tell myself I don’t need him in my life, and I really don’t need him for anything, I’m very self sufficient and very very independent so it’s more a case of wanting him not needing him, I don’t understamd why I want him back so much, he has nothing to offer me, he puts me down and really makes me u happy when I’m with him, so why on earth do I crave him, it’s almost like I’m u for his spell, like I’m a naughty girl that he punishes and then rewards when he thinks I’ve had enough punishment, I see it all with my open eyes and I feel it’s abuse in every way but breaking it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I’ve been through some tough situations that should of broke me, but this is killing me so bad xx
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Hello Tryingtomoveonsafe,
I completely understand you. It’s such a difficult feeling to shake. With other people, I feel like I was able to let them go and move on still in a strong place within myself, and in a calm way. With him, it’s different.
The doubt, the intensity, the feeling that he understood me… It makes it so much more difficult to let go of.
I think there is a certain obsession and addiction in that sort of feeling.
But in a way, it’s also craving validation from someone who you invested so much in, and from who you would like to know you are enough for.Know that you are not alone in this feeling. It’s incredibly difficult, and I struggle still almost every day. But people heal at different rates, and you can too.
Please take care of yourself <3
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I totally get it. I don’t feel like I love him anymore, but I miss him so much.
I feel so lonely all the time and it’s a feeling that’s there so often, and the idea of just being in the same room as him sounds so good because then I wouldn’t have these feelings and thoughts.And then I take a breath and my brain turns on.
Whenever I am in the same room as him because of the kids, I can’t catch my breath because I’m so panicked, feel completely overwhelmed and, as soon as he steps in the door, terrified of what will happen next. When we were together, I was completely alone and still felt lonely all the time – and even though that’s not going to change any time soon – I at least have some hope that that might be different one day in the future.
I’m new to everything here so don’t have much help to offer and am going to have to go away an Google truamabonding, but my worker said something the other day – it not him I miss. It’s the illusion of him and what he’s conditioned me to think we had that I miss. It’s the ‘good’ days, the moments of ok-ness, having another adult to talk to… It’s the idea that I would be less lonely and isolated, and somehow happier with him.
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Hi there everyone I’ve been in your situation too many times & gave in went back , almost instantly regretting it , as the abuse does get worse . I thought I was in love with him still that’s y I kept going back , wanting him , missing him . He has absolutely nothing to offer me and I questioned myself also , then the spell lifted , the abuse was getting worse , I was having constant control from him , no happy days anymore, it got to the point I didn’t want to see him , so I kept making excuses, that’s how I knew it was over for me . I’ve found it hard to cut ties as I do believe it’s habit like a drug really I agree , but it does get easier . I think try and focus on the bad stuff and remember this is all it will ever be , nothing changes and why you left in the first place .
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Hi,
I’ve lost count of how many times I was finished with him and because of how you are feeling now reconciled with him in the hope that things would get better. Other than a couple of days they didn’t, in fact they got worse and I was punished for whatever had caused the last break up.
Eventually over the last couple of years there were no good times. 90% awful and 10% just about bearable. Absolutely no way to live. On the few occasions that I got to go anywhere on my own (even the supermarket) I would cry all the way home as the people I had seen reminded me of what a ‘normal’ way of living was. This was something that I had over time not realised …. just how abnormal our life and relationship was, and how we accept crumbs of normality in our desperation to have our love reciprocated. All is part of the same thing, the Trauma bonding that you are recognising.
You will get there and logically you are seeing that he brings so little to you on top of the abuse that you have suffered.
Each time you reconcile the abuse will intensify until eventually when they realise that you are finally breaking free they can be at their most dangerous, as I have unfortunately experienced.
My matter is now with the police and I am slowly coming out of the fog ….. it will soon be (detail removed by Moderator) months of no contact. I am slowly being able to appreciate living in a home without constant worry and adrenaline coursing through me. I am also missing him less and less (if at all). I was ‘missing’ the hope of what I hoped he could be not what he actually is.
The Freedom Programme, which I was able to do online helped me enormously. Finally allowing me to see clearly. If you haven’t already please give it a try.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself. What we feel is entirely normal and we should allow ourselves time to grieve and heal. Every breakup even those where abuse is involved is loss and with that comes a grieving process, perhaps this is what you are going through now.
Sending you best wishes and virtual hugs on your journey.
Xx
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