- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Hello ladies, I am hoping I am not alone in this…. ok, I am quite some months out, I am out of the FOG, I know what hebis and what he has done.
I have started to socialise and talk to more people which I like. What I do not cope well with is when I have a disagreement, I either go into fight, flight or freeze. I am so defensive and sort of shutdown emotionally. I feel I am back, fighting to be heard, or my anxiety levels raise and I do not hear what that person is saying (I mean a general disagreement).
If I sense anger I also go into Fight, flight/freeze. I also find I am zoning out, I disassociate a lot now.My memory is also not very good, it used to be. I have so many blanks from my marriage. I have a friend who remembers an incident in her company between Me and ex husband, I have a vague memory but not of the ending (she saw him do something abusive).
Is it normal to have these emotions? How do I stop myself from being defensive.I am terrified of ever being controlled again as I see how he controlled me for so many many years 😔 I do not like feeling like this, I am pushing people away as I am all over the place like I said.
I hope you are all ok as can be today ❤
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Hello Hereforhelp,
Thank you for sharing this, it sounds like you have such a strong sense of self awareness and it’s great that you are able to recognise your ‘in the moment’ processes.
The responses you are describing in the face of potential conflict sound understandable. It sounds like you are being triggered in these situations and it is taking you back to the traumatic experiences you had within the relationship.
The gaps in memory could also be a result of repressing painful experiences, but both of these concerns could be something to discuss with a counsellor or GP.
I’m sure these feelings will resonate with other users.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Hi Lisa, thank you for your reply.
I apparently have trauma amnesia (I do remember lots but there are long gaps, months and months in the last few years before I finally left). I have a wonderful support worker who is looking for course of therapy to help me with that along with more intensive ptsd therapy, I guess the aftermath is going to be a long road. It is worth it, I am nearly completely free ❤ -
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Good morning here for help I agree you are doing so well you are out and getting back out there and actively engaging in this wonderful support. Everything you describe is so normal and it is part of your brain trying to keep you safe so you are not in danger again but sometimes it is that little bit over protective due to you past experiences – it is blanking things or raising the threat level. In time it will quieten down. I am absolutely the same with conflict and it’s been a while. I think that may always be with me …. But I can process my response quicker now.
Hope that helps – also something to mention if I push myself too hard with doing things too outside my comfort zone that can make me get totally overwhelmed so yes I am challenging myself to do new things but baby steps. You got this x*x -
Hey Warersprite, what you say makes sense, brain keeping me safe and over protective. I feel a sudden anxiety in my chest and then go into this ultra protective mode, brain shuts down and won’t process further than ‘under attack’ so fast. I will do whatever courses I can as this is not a good side affect of his abuse.
And yes, if I push myself out of my comfort zone too much I also get overwhelmed… baby steps, yes, I shall go back to baby steps.
How are you doing? I hope you are ok? ❤ -
I absolutely relate to this. I was the same with you with the abuser, I would go into fight or flight; if I fought it made things worse, if I tried to leave the situation it made it worse, if I was silent it made it worse.
He convinced me it was always my fault, because I was so defensive and convinced me I always lied during arguments (when I was just being gaslit). I even underwent two bouts of therapy and CBT to try and better myself for him and stop being defensive wrote him long letters about what a terrible person I was and how great he was!
I don’t know if it’ll change for you, but I totally understand why you behave in that way, and that knot in your stomach, stone on your chest feeling you get when confrontation starts.
Probably talking therapies is the best answer on the long run, but be kind to yourself too.. let your brain have a break x
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