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A few days ago I somehow mustered up the courage to call WA helpline, but unfortunately I think the liness were too busy. I had to leave a message for a callback but i was too scared so I terminated the phone call. I called again and the same thing happened. If I try again next time, will I be able to speak to someone directly without leaving a message?
Today he told me to stop threatening him…I didn’t say anything that was threatening whatsoever. He started another one sided arguement this time by asking me a simple question along the lines of “how many pages are in this book?” I paused to think and he was starting to get agitated so I just guessed something to prevent him from exploding. My mistake – why do I always think that I can prevent him from losing it? – He got angry anyway and kept firing more and more questions at me. Me, staying calm, eventually gave him an answer that was ‘accptable to him’. Then he kept asking why I said this and why I said that…I eventually said (still calm because I did not want to prolong this futile, time wasting nonsensical argument) that I said what I did because I felt he was pressurising me for an answer whilst trying to think so I said the wrong thing but was trying to say something that wouldn’t make him angery.
He went quiet for a bit and then told me why do I always accuse him of pressurising me and then went on to justify his behavior…blah blah blah. Not getting a word in edgeways he then paused and said “Stop threatening me” and walked away. How could i be threatening him when I didnt say anything? I told him that i was not threatening him and how could I when all I wanted to do was prevent him from being angry and upset. He couldnt really answer this so deviated onto something else and told me that I intimidate him… (really? anyone that knows me knows that I am the least intimidating person they will ever come accross. I am so quiet, calm, obiedient, …theatening? Ha! just makes me laugh writing this. Also anyone that knows him always describe him as charming but angry, domineering, agressive etc so he must be delusional or think that I am to believe the rubbish that just came out of his mouth – about I’M intimidating him…please!)
Anyway, he told me that I intimidate him somethimes and that – (wait for it) – I don’t realise that I’m doing it but I squeeze my face [then he proceeded to demonstrate how I supposedly frown at him] when I’m communicating with him and my tone of voice changes like I’m angry or upset by him and I start accusing him of being agressive… By the way, what he describes of ‘me being agressive’ was him actually describing his own behaviour. The only reason why it may have loked like I was frowning was because I had irritable eyes (due to hayfever or some make-up product, I’m not sure) but he KNEW this.
Excuses, Excuses.
Oh, I’ve just finished reading (secretly) Pat Craven’s book – living with the dominator and I’m now reading Bancroft’s Why does he do that? These books are so good and it really helps me to see the bully and abuser that he is. Rather than getting really upset and emotional, I feel like a pychotherapist / psychologist somethimes as I sit and listen / watch his behaviour. I’m still too scared to leave him though. That’s my problem.
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The helpline is always like that. You need to try and try until you get through.
He is terrible. My ex abuser was like that too. All this time wasting headwork, it was such a pain.
Great that you read these books.
What would happen if you leave?-
Hi Ayanna. Thanks for the encouragement. You see, I don’t know what would happen but I just have a very bad feeling that it would get a lot worse. He would stalk me, follow me and try and trace my every step. He might even hurt my mum, brother or both because it’s just the type of thing that he would do. He will hurt anything that he knows means a lot to me. He knows where my mum lives and that’s the only place I can go to. He has never been physically violent to me but I have seen him smash things out of rage (or controlled aggression?) in the past. I’m scared he might eventually hurt me.
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You could go into a refuge. Then not even your mum knows where you are. Also, his threats might just be threats. When he sees the police marching up he will shrink. Abusers are mostly strong when they are alone with the victims and have no witnesses.
He is not that powerful. He may think he is because he is sick, but he is not. The police will come down on him should he try to misbehave. He might have handcuffs quicker than the blink of his right eye.
My ex abuser thought he could do anything to me. When he got the handcuffs on he was a shrinked piece of sh…
Think about it.-
but would the police even belive me? It would really be my word against him and can he tell a lie! He could convince everyone the sky was made of candyfloss and everyone would believe him. If he were a lawyer, everyone he defended would never go to prison he’s that much of a manipulator, liar and absolute fraud of a person. I will try the helpline again though, when I get the chance to.
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Hi,
Your story is so heart breaking. I know how it’s feel, I was assaulted by my ex even not as bad as you made me loosing my self. If I can suggest you, you need to leave as it’s just getting worse. You put your safety on the line, you need to get out. If possible record when he is angry. Does he ever being violent to you?
And as you already read the book you might realise abuser always make us feel guilty, blame everything on us, they never wrong. Keep callin the WA until you can talk to someone.
Be strong, and leave him.-
Hi Millionpieces, no he hasn’t been physically violent (although he is a sexual abuser aswell). He just always manipulates what I say to make me sound like the bully and him the victim. He waves his arms around, slams doors, raises his voice, generally looks crazy and angry sometimes. He will never stop talking.
He is very articulate and won’t let me study or do work I want to do. I have to do all the work for his business and I have no share in it. I initially believed his lies but now I think the real reason is because he wants to control me and doesnt want me to realise what a abuser he is. He wouldn’t even allow me to learn how to drive because he ‘doesn’t trust male driving instructors’. There are female ones too but – another excuse – I can’t even remember now.
If I leave, I have no friends, and I am scared he will hurt my mum and brother the only family I have and the only people I can live with because he seems like the type of person to do that. He once smashed our remote control because his brother wouldn’t tell him the truth about something. I’ve seen him smash other things too. These are all vulnerable people too but he controls and intimidates all of us.
I’m scared that one day, he’ll turn that violence on to me.
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If you tell the police of the sexual grooming that he did to you he is done. I hope you can speak to WA soon. You need to get into a refuge. You can call police and tell them about your concerns about your family. They will come to his house, so that all neighbors see that and they will tell him not to have any stupid ideas.
You do not need friends to become free. The support system should help you to achieve that. Try to get into a refuge and take it from there.-
Ayanna, I’ve been thinking about what you’ve written over the past few days and you are right – i don’t think he can get away with the sexual grooming. The only thing is how is anyone going to believe me? I know I’ve been isolated from my friends who I went to school with but how can I prove all of this? He’s always moving around, across countries aswell. He’s so unpredictable. I feel a little lost.
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