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I am exhausted, I have one (detail removed by Moderator) child and my other child is (detail removed by Moderator). I do everything, there wasn’t a way to co parent with my abusive husband.
Today I thought about my ex and I felt sad, I thought I missed him but it wasn’t that.. it was him ‘rescuing’ me that I weirdly craved.
When we were together he would be abusive in nearly every way, I would do everything and extra to make things ‘better’ to stop him getting nasty. I would work, pay for loads, look after our babies (when they were younger).. even if I was sick I would be expected to cook, clean, sex etc until I just couldn’t move and emotionally I would feel so ill I would go to the doctor. That’s when my ex would ‘rescue’ me.. he would actually take some time off work, see to the kids, cook all of it… I would be resting and hear our kids laughing. It didn’t last long, (detail removed by Moderator) tops and then the resentment would start, he would be dismissive, act moody but say he was fine and I was making him angry by asking after him. Then he would abandon me and I would do everything to make him nice again.
I feel a bit sick with myself that I could even think about him as I know what he is, what he did and still does and I do not want him in my life at all.
This journey can be so b****y emotionally draining and lonely.
I am not even sure why I wrote this post, I guess to let it out somewhere someone may relate? I have been out for quite some Time now. I just want it to end
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I’m glad you did write this post because for some reason this week I’ve been the same, missing him but knowing I’d never go back. They weren’t always nasty, that’s why we stayed and part of it is that we miss that plus the dreams we had of what could’ve been. You’ve got even more on your plate than most so it’s natural to want some help, a break and your mind is jumping to him. Is there anyone else that could give you some support?
This loneliness sucks but let the tears flow and know it’ll pass, you got this. xx
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I am glad I wrote it now as well Bananaboat. It is so strange to know I am done with him yet still get fleeting strong pangs of missing him, a quick self doubt feeling, guilt… all my feelings are less strong the longer I am out. I think if I remember correctly you were with yours for a very long time as well?
I Hope your day is a good day ❤
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Please don’t feel bad I believe all of us on the forum have wanted our abuser back and missed them desperately at some point your human you have feelings you loved you wanted and probably wanted to believe and hoped there’d be changes and things would be nice and you’d be loved like you should, but abusers can’t love they can only manipulate and take and do everything they can to feel superior or play victim and blame, maybe it’s cognitive dissonance and your just remembering good but remember it all in it’s entirety and maybe find some kind of hobby to try and take your mind off it cos the chances are your still trauma bonded and it’s hard to break it’s like cold turkey and you just want that feeling back, honey you saved yourself by getting out so you don’t need rescuing your your own saviour
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Bananaboat and Auriel, thank you both for your replies. It always helps to know I am not alone, I think as I have been out some time now that I didn’t expect to still feel that trauma bond pull.
I do feel a bit better/stronger today… I think it was an exceptionally hard week and I craved him rescuing me. I didn’t expect to still have some old cravings due to so many years of being in an abusive cycle.. it became a norm the abuse, the tricky part was how I managed his abuse over those years, i guess we all do/did that… sort of manage their abusive behaviours to stop it escalating.
❤
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I’m glad you feeling better (I hope you still feel like it now) and yes we did placate them but we did it to keep ourself safe and maybe cos they projected gaslighted and blameshifted us into feeling bad and making them feel better, and especially if we were trained as children by an abusive (or both) parents, that’s sometimes where we learn that survival tactic from ????? 🤗😗💕
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Be kind to yourself hun. Who wouldn’t want someone to come in and rescue them, I expect you are feeling tired and low. I’ve been there. This is my second abusive relationship. I won’t go into the feelings that throws up. I found myself for the first time in 5+years wishing the first d****e would show up for me. I laughed to myself just writing that sentence. I must of been through the wringer huh. 😉
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