So confused

Hi. Still feel so confused a lot of the time. Although I left my relationship with my husband about (detail removed by moderator). I had fallen out of love with him. I think this was through things he had said over the years which built up.I still feel though that perhaps he wasn’t as bad as I thought. He was loyal (as far as I know). He could be so encouraging however there were times when he would completely down my confidence but then make me feel amazing. Not sure if this was just him ‘hoovering’ me back in. we would generally get on really well and laugh a lot. I however felt on edge a lot of the time for fears of not showing him enough affection and this was underlying issue throughout our relationship. For example I would always make sure he had (detail removed by moderator) ready when he came in from work. He would moan that I wouldn’t come running down the stairs hugging him when he can though the door. Just explained to him that I thought he would appreciate me making him a drink after his long day at work. We once had to leave (detail removed by moderator). I hardly see these group of friends as they live away and I’m not one for a lot of attention and didn’t think it was appropriate to do that when it was my friends special day. I was often made to feel that I wasn’t loving enough but there were times when I was made to feel like rubbish. Really confused whether this was part of the abuse or just me being over sensitive