Was it abuse? Doubting myself

Hello! I was just about to write a post on here when I saw yours. I am doubting whether some of the problem is me and not him too.
I’m not sure if I feel this way because I’ve been in this unhealthy environment for so long that I start thinking it’s me that’s at fault. It’s not physical abuse, it’s mental.
A friend recently suggested that my husband’s “problem” sounded more like autism but tbh, I’m so confused, I don’t know what to think anymore.
I get lots of silent treatment and he never asks about me if I’m unwell. He’s very emotionally detached but can certainly raise his voice when he wants to!!
Always here if you need to talk.
Take care xx

Hi lovely,
Yes it is abuse and no it’s not you. I also want to say how amazing you are, living in the same house whilst separating adds a whole other dimension and his behaviour is utterly unacceptable and designed to wear you down and punish you.
I hope you have lots of support, I can recommend the womens aid helpline if you don’t have a special DA support worker, the women on the phone lines are brilliant.
Sending love and solidarity, keep moving forward and stand firm in your light and truth. Xx

If i was to copy and paste the first half of your post and add a few of mine like mine gets angry with me if i read at night or do my homework. Im not allowed to work i do but he does all he can to stop me he thretens me calls me names makes me have sex even when he knows i dont want too and moans that i never look good oh and so much more what would you say if I were to ask you if it was wrong? Re read all that you have wrote, this is why you have/are leaving and i think you are incredable. Dont regret dont doubt keep believing keep moving foward our eyes are in the front of our heads so we can look foward not back. Xxxxxxxx

Hi Chocolatebar and soconfused2,

I want to say that your husbands’ behaviour is abuse and not because of autism. Abuse is a deliberate choice and abusers know what they are doing. I’m so sorry that your friends have suggested the issue could be autism, this must have felt very devaluing of your experiences and I’m not surprised that it left you feeling confused and guilty. There is never an excuse for abuse.

Lots of people are autistic and manage not to abuse their partners. Domestic abuse is by nature confusing and it’s normal to feel unsure, but you have both described abuse in your posts. It sounds like neither of your husbands has a diagnosis of autism, but even if they did, it’s important to bear in mind that the abusive behaviours are separate to any other issues. It’s your husbands’ responsibility to manage any support needs and be accountable for their abusive behaviour.

I hope this helps you both feel a bit more sure. Unfortunately, domestic abuse is still misunderstood by a lot of people and, while I’m sure your friends meant well with their comments, some attitudes can be unhelpful.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

It must be so hard living in the same house whilst going through all this. I agree with the others, and I can absolutely see where you’re coming from when it makes you doubt yourself. This bothers me a lot too, for years I’ve had the mentality that I just need to try harder, do more, don’t do certain things and everything will be fine but that doesn’t work and I’m slowly realising that he probably is abusive towards me. But now when these things happen, the silence, the moodiness, the anger or when I can see it coming, it’s like I can’t control my emotions and I seem to then be the one that makes the outburst happen, which he can then blame me for! It’s completely confusing but I think just another way of them getting in our heads. I hope things continue for you, you’re amazing for getting as far as you have!

Yes you have done amazing, it must be an incredible strain living in the same house.

Autism doesn’t cause abuse (I am autistic, one of my children is too, (Detail removed by Moderator)… non.are violent including myself. Alcohol doesn’t cause abuse, neither mental health … the person abusing causes it and is totally aware of what he is doing.

I think you are both amazing ❤️

I too keep going through the same doubts. Is it me and not him. When I leave him and in the future will I discover it was me all along.
He ignores me when I speak to him. Won’t look at me or respond.
Rages at me in a loud booming angry voice with his eyes bulging out his head over the slightest things.
Calls me names and swears at me all the time.
Never makes a fuss of me when it’s my birthday or if I get promoted or oass an exam.
Talks over me when it’s just us talking or if we are with family.
Puts me down in front of other people.
Throws things in temper.
Never pays me any compliments.
When I am upset doesn’t comfort me.
Shuts doors in my face.
Won’t listen to any of my opinions. If I don’t agree with him I am called names repeatedly.
In arguments it is not balanced I will wait for him to finish his yelling and then when I try to defend myself he just mimics me over and over again.
He then calls me the abusive bully and how I am gaslighting him. Word he has learnt from me.
But still I am sitting here now thinking am I over sensitive. Am
I so irritating that I deserve to be treated like this? Is it me.

Just to add. I have seen 3 different counsellors and my GP they all say he is abusive to me so why can’t I believe it and dump him.

It is abuse and you are so amazing to be going on as you are. Well done.

I hope you can learn to believe in yourself. I hope we all can.

I have the very same doubts and I’m so close to making another huge step and the doubts are sky rocketing again.

Sending you love and strength. You can do this. x*x

This is all abuse and none of it is minor. It’s so easy for us to doubt ourselves because abusers intentionally do & say things to confuse us & make us question whether or not we are perceiving things accurately. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that. You’ve done an amazing job of identifying a ton of abuse tactics that your partner is using. Writing it down helps. When I was contemplating whether or not to file for divorce I would read my journal where I had kept a list of dates & abuse incidents. It helped me to gain the confidence to proceed with divorce and to remember that his mistreatment of me was an ongoing pattern, and not a one time thing or something I had imagined or made up in my mind. My ex did about 98% of the things you listed, including weaponizing our couples counseling sessions & telling me that our counselor agreed with him that I was the abuser. The longest my ex gave me the silent treatment was for about 6 or 7 weeks (detail removed by Moderator). You are so brave! The doubts are normal but try to remember what led you to file for divorce in the first place. You can do this ❤️❤️