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hi everyone,
i’ve had a bit of a bad weekend where i’ve had multiple run-ins with people we know in common – they don’t know about my situation, since i’ve only told a few close friends – and then today i went to an event where multiple of his former/present friends were present and i was ignored. it’s left me feeling very triggered and angry, having to pretend that everything is fine and then being treated like the culprit. has anyone else dealt with this? the problem is that he was also pretty awful to some of his close (now ex) friends; i was put in some difficult social situations as a result, and i don’t think i handled it well. this, combined with whatever he said about me after we broke up, has i think left them believing that i am the problem or that i condoned his behaviour, instead of seeing that he was in fact behaving ten times worse with me in private. i don’t know how to deal with this without going public, which i don’t want. the event was work-related, and it is work i want to do. but i feel i am being socially ostracized. part of me feels that, irrespective of what was going on between us, i could have handled the social side of it better, and that in some cases i took my own anger at his behaviour out on other people in unnecessarily conflictive interactions. how do you forgive yourself for poor behaviour (if it was indeed poor) towards other people while you were in that situation? it has just left me feeling like i’m a bad person (also something he would tell me). like, if i was a good person, then i wouldn’t have lashed out or pushed people away. i cut off some of my closest friends in that time, and i wasn’t able to repair the relationships. other relationships really suffered as a result; to some extent i’ve built them back up, but it still feels very lonely. i don’t want to put an extra burden on my close relationships when i did that for so long previously, so i have to be careful how much i talk about it because i don’t want to lose them. i have made newer friendships, but i don’t want to speak with those people and risk trauma-bonding without a real friendship, if you see what i mean. and there are a number of people in my life who just don’t get it. this is a jumble, but it’s all to ask whether others have encountered such circumstances and how you deal with this; at this point i’m starting to feel desperate and wondering if the only solution is to start over in a place where nobody knows me.
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Hello, I didn’t want to read & run and add to the feeling of isolation. Are you certain you were purposely ignored or could it be everyone’s awkwardness in a social event? What happened if you tried to speak to them? What an awful feeling eitherway as we’re hyper aware/sensitive after leaving. If he has spread rubbish as these ppl often do, then let the believers go, they aren’t your people.
Don’t beat yourself up for how you reacted, you would’ve been pushed and pushed into reacting, it’s only natural to release at some point. People chose to walk away and not repair relationships you can’t carry the full burden for that.
I get the loneliness but sometimes it’s ok to embrace that. Post abuse we are figuring out who we are, what we like doing, who we want to spend time with after years of not having this freedom. Talking to people who have no experience can be a minefield as you don’t want to overload them but at the same time you can’t keep everything bottled up and humans subconsciously pick up when someone isn’t being fully open or genuine which in turn can impact relationships- have you considered counselling to them separate the abuse from new friends? Moving away is one option but what would you do to meet new people in a new town and could you do that where you are now? xx
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Aw, thanks – that’s really sweet of you. You’re right – maybe I was reading too much in to things. I didn’t try to speak with them – they saw me and blanked me.
“People chose to walk away and not repair relationships you can’t carry the full burden for that.” This is great advice.
I am in counselling, but I am wondering whether I should switch to a different counsellor. I am not sure that the current one has a robust understanding of these issues.
Your last question is so helpful; I am going to reflect on this. Thanks for responding to me! xx
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I would be so triggered just to see mutual friends. I would run a mile.. i lived in another country with my ex and blocked him and stopped talking to all mutual friends.. I’m sure they all know his side and that is fine. I missed my best friend for a bit but she was an flying monkey. I don’t miss anything from those lost relationships. I want nothing to do with that world and if they all hate me and think I am crazy then better for me and I will be left alone. It’s time to really come into ourselves and find what we want and what friends we want. I have my very close childhood friends and I’m hoping to make friends through my hobbies through local groups. There’s so many nice social things going on to do. They don’t need to know the details of what i have been through, just knowing the basic facts and being a good friend is enough, telling me they are there to listen is all I need. Therapists and people here are the only people who are truly going to understand what I have been through. Also at the Freedom program.
So that would be my advice. Those old mutual people are from a past life and don’t matter. Find your new people for your new life xx -
Definitely been feeling this this week too. Just hit a brick wall with it all. I’m definitely being ostracised by couples who we knew as a couple and he has squirmed his way into their lives solo, even though he never bothered with them before. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid. I just wanted to reach out and say yes, this has been on my mind this week too after a c****y last week being ignored by various people. Seeing them cross the road to avoid me, pretending they haven’t seen me. Its a horrible feeling. It is about them and their awkwardness but it doesnt make it ANY easier. EyesOpening is right but I am nowhere near that place right now and I feel very lonely and as if I am some sort of social pirahia because i chose to leave a man who was abusing me and my children. Its a mad world that we are not high fived by society for doing that but instead just a bit of an embarrassment for the “group” the sheep, probably individually and in private they would high five you but in public its still such a stigma. Even being a single mother seems to be. Argggghhhhh. Sorry Im angry at the world today. Big hug. xx
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Thank you @Eyesopening xx
So sorry to hear this @iliketea. I hate how patriarchal society somehow determines single men to be the more acceptable social choice where couples are concerned, and then the fact that he was the one who behaved so poorly and that he never bothered with them before is all so disheartening. That’s awful that people are crossing the road to avoid you, I’m so sorry. One time I had it where a couple – who he had been viciously rude to and had a giant falling out with – walked past whispering “it’s [my name]” and giving me evil eyes. It’s just incredible that even when people have themselves experienced a taste of the behaviour, they still find a way to put the blame on the wrong person. You are right to be angry at the world… It’s horrible that people are behaving like this towards you but, as you say Eyesopening is right. Really the only silver lining is that you’ve learnt now who is and is not willing to show up for you; they’ve saved you from investing further years into the friendship. I have managed to make some rich and fulfilling friendships with people who really have my back and I appreciate those friendships in a way I maybe would have taken for granted before, so there is hope. It’s just that of course these other people are still around, so now and then it can get you down. It is unfair. Sending big big hugs to you. You are doing really well.
I think the loneliness for me is not necessarily about spending time on my own (which I have gotten very good at doing) but about the feeling that nobody understands what I’m going through, other than people on the forum and one friend who had her own experience. In particular, what I am dealing with right now is that they don’t understand the long-term effects of these things, and how healing from them is not necessarily a linear process; you get treated like a person failing to move on with life after a normal break-up, rather than a person trying to recover from a traumatic experience.
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Hey, yeah. I still get so so frustrated knowing what he told people abour me. His smear campaign. I want to shout it from the top of the roof tops what he did. For those people, mutual, to know the real him. Cos of course they just see this fun, amazing guy! When i think about it I get so frustrated and upset because I also have a very deep issue about what people think of me. Dr Ramini did a video about this and she basically said you have to kind of let it go. Those people will eventually realise and it’s something you need to just let happen. That kinda thing. But very hard. I don’t speak to any mutual now really because how can I. They will never get it. What he did to me.
Which is similar to my “friends”. I’ve lost a lot. I was so bad after this experience. So bad. And i felt like i had one friend. If I didn’t have her and my sister and parents god knows where I would be. They didn’t get it. I reached our but they didn’t get how bad i was. The loneliness was extreme. The worst pain ever. Alone in my house all day and night. He has persuaded me to leave my job and rhat we wouls go travelling together. Month after month waiting for him to be ready to go. I spiralled. In his trap. In his web. Loneliness is horribke. Isolation. I still feel now I have to over explain how bad it was. I say things like ” the women on the forum takes years to get over this”. Like people thinking normal break up and I am nuts or pathetic. U know. I dont know. Anywy that’s maybe more of me worrying what people think. But yes I feel you. And i thank you for sharing.
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That sounds awful, I’m so sorry. In my case, I was working but he persuaded me to move to another country with him. I was so isolated and no-one knew where I was. Everyone I knew, I knew through him, so I couldn’t talk to anyone. I think the neighbours tried to help me at one point, but I didn’t understand. Thank goodness you didn’t go travelling with him.
At the moment I am trying to accept that my family will not understand… I think part of it is denial because it’s too difficult for them to accept, and part of it is that I didn’t tell them everything. Now that it has been a few years I would say that I have a down period only every couple of months… To be honest, I am really tired of trying to explain or justify this to other people, so I think that in the future I will share it only with those I know are supportive and understand. It is probably a good exercise in self-preservation to avoid trying to justify my feelings – it inevitably devolves into me questioning my own resilience and it feels like I’m gaslighting myself.
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Gosh reading this breaks my heart. It so lonely being here with him still I struggle to keep friends as he is always stopping me from going out etc so I get the lonliness part of your post i really do.
Its so sad that we feel we cant share nor talk about our experiences isnt it? Even once you are out it just all seems so unfair, Nobody understands nor get it unless they have lived through it.
Why did you stay by Rebecca humpries is a good book to read she talk about friendships and how people react. I guess this is where the inner work has to come into force. You have to believe in yourself know that the problem is with them not on you. Maybe you did read the room wrong we often doubt ourselves so much as after years of being told you are wrong its your fault etc its so hard to remove that doubt.
Not much help an I sorry I actually just didnt want to read and run. Xx -
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