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Hi
I am in a stage where the person is being really nice to me, I am struggling with this.
I know the logic, I know all the things said to me before, I can see what is happening.
I get upset though that I respond emotionally still. It is emotional attachment and fear at the same time running side by side. Please tell me I am not the only one.
It makes me feel crazy.
Like I have 2 parts of myself fighting against eachother.
Most of the time logic is winning now as things have gone too far, and I am taking steps for my safety, but sometimes I think I’ve finally managed to extinguish my feelings but somehow they creep back in. I dont know how abusers do this? How do they know the exact time you are heading for the door and then be really nice?
Please tell me I’m not the only one.
Honestly, I have never been so scared of someone in my life, how can I have an emotional attachment to someone I’m scared of? It’s so hard, it’s so so hard.
Watched a documentary on abuse and a woman was beaten horrifically and was really strong leading up to the trial, but when the abuser was sentenced that woman broke down sobbing that she didnt want the abuser to go to prison.
How can I understand this? I know it’s wrong and I shouldnt be able to understand this, but it’s so so horrible to be in this situation. I think this is even more so why it can feel so isolating, as people can see it so black and white but when you are in it, it feels so complex, like a constant inner battle.
I was told by someone that those feelings may never change, you many never be able to get rid of them until you go. Every direction is painful.
Just looking for people who understand I guess. -
Hi terribleheadspace,
Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it is helping you to put your thoughts and feelings onto the forum. Abuse can be very isolating and confusing so it understandable you feel an ongoing inner battle. Do keep posting to us when you can, offloading on here can really help and others will relate to how you are feeling.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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No way are you alone here.
Even after being here over a year i still cant say nor accept the abuse word my husband is just an (detail removed by Moderator). When he is nice i feel so full of guilt and shame and such self hate that I could even be on a forum like this that im having counselling etc the guilt is so intense i almost want him to be mean so I can justify my unhappiness. I feel its me im ruining our marriage that if i put up and shut up it would all be ok crazy eh?
See you really arent alone sweetie. Keep writing it down it helpd to remind you during those good quiet days that he isnt always nice. Keep working on you and your safety and your exit plan. I have no other advice im sorry Im pants but I just wanted you to know I feel it too and totally get it sweetie you are not alone. Sending hugs stay safe stay strong xxxx-
Thank you it really does help to hear that someone else feels like this, when you try to explain to others I can tell they hear the words and try to process them but they dont understand what I am saying, how it feels so complex.
I get the feeling sometimes that even though I know what’s happening is wrong, what if I am overreacting, then when I talk to professionals and just be honest and I think they are going to fob me off they dont. Instead they are telling me I am high risk. My outreach worker and the police are both treating me as high risk, then when I do have a nice time with the person I think what?
Now I know more about abuse though I can see even in the really nice interactions controlling behaviour. It’s just done in a much more subtle way. -
After he has been nasty or blown up i will sit and think did that actually happen? Did he say that? Oh its me im over reacting im being silly this is just a normal every day marriage.
But then if thats true then why am I here?Its good you have support put your trust and faith in them but most importantly in yourself. Xxxx
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It wasn’t until I left that I truly realised I’d been living under a thick fog. Abuse messes your brain up and abusers keep us in a constant state of confusion as it works to get what they want, we keep giving more and more hoping it’ll work this time but nothing is ever enough. You lose your own sense of happiness focusing on making them happy. It helped me to learn more and more about abuse, then you recognise the similarities, keep a log/journal and you notice the patterns, notice your reactions and his responses – all this helps to eases that fog/blindness enough to help make decisions but this life isn’t easy, reach out for help, it can feel like drowning some days but there is hope x
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Yes they are so clever, so so clever. As you dont think like they do I guess it’s hard to anticipate what is coming or why- or we come up with excuses for them. But you know deep down something is off.
I know it’s not me though for sure luckily in my head and heart I know that this person would be the same with anyone else. Think the turning point mentally for me was the gaslighting. I honestly think that is the most horrible thing you could do to someone mentally. That was when I was the strongest, but emotions are creeping back. Thing that annoys me the most is that I can detach and see exactly how I sound from an outside perspective, I know what I would be saying to myself, to get out and get out fast…. but living it and seeing it from the outside feels so different.
I’m also worried my support network will get frustrated with me for not moving quick enough, especially as they are growing scared for me also.
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