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Hi all, this is my first post. I have been married for a long time but finally connected dots I have been ignoring for a long time and realised so much of my husband’s behaviour is abusive. I read on one post that ‘once you see you can’t unseen’ and that rings so true for me. I have learnt over the years how to tread carefully, so most often he is not aggressive – he just needs to give a look or say one thing and I would instantly backtrack, placate. But he has hurt both of our children before, he has terrified me, pushed me, and when I said I wanted to leave, his violent reaction has left me unable to sleep or eat for weeks. I think just writing this is enough for me to see that I’ve made the right decision. The police were involved, and now he legally cannot harass me. But in the quieter moments I remember our good times – how kind he could also be to me and the kids. When he is happy, everything is great. It’s so confusing to feel guilty during these times – it makes me question whether I have made things worse than they are, even though just reading the above I can see that his behaviour is not OK in the slightest. Is this common, to feel like this? And how long does it take before I can actually feel free of trying to please him, trying to calm him? What helped you all in the process of moving away, moving on? I want a better life for me and the kids. I’m not going back – but I often feel like I’m going crazy.
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Hi firstly amazing well done for leaving ive not done that been here almost 3 decades and never saw until 2 years ago.
Its so hard its those nice memories those calm days that keep me here still even now. Its the hope he will change its the kindness he shows when he wants too its the love i so desperatly want that keeps me here even though he calls me names sometimes hurts me controls me and is just nasty those nice days are what I crave, so yes its normal you will read many posts on here from many of us who still doubt still crave those moments.
There is a nane for it and i am hoping one of the more clever ladies on here will be able to explain it better so you can look into it and understand it more.
Doubt guilt even grief for what couldve shouldve been are all I believe normal responses sweetie i think you now have to allow yourself some time some kindness and a whole lot of love so you can now heal. X*x -
Thank you so much nbumblebee for your reply. And I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. It’s so hard. Am trying to spend lots of time with friends (having never really been able to do this before) which helps, and I’m lucky to have such kind ones. I guess it just takes time. I know it will get even harder – my husband is staying the in the local area and we have kids, so he will always be there and I it will take a lot of strength I think not to get drawn back into it. xxxx
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Hi and welcome justkeeprunning, well done for leaving…. I wanted to answer your question, for me when I separated from my husband what helped was The Freedom Programme and going zero contact (we have younger teenagers who were very affected by the abuse they witnessed and experienced)….
I am over a year out and feel so much better and my children are much better mentally now then they were (they have , I hear you with the pull of the good times as those memories used to whirl around in my head making me question myself and I would feel physically sick with all the emotions …. that’s all part of it, the good times and how nice they can be is what keeps us in doubt, also i missed the future we had planned, it was all fake but it was hard to let go of..
Keep taking baby steps and keep pushing forwards ❤️ keep posting -
Thank you Hereforhelp. No contact would definitely be so much better. He is allowed to contact me via text and email to arrange calls with the kids, and even that gets in my head – I find myself jumping to reply and feeling guilty and scared if I’ve missed a message. At some point this will move to face to face visits, and I’m hoping that when this is set up as a regular thing, it will reduce the messaging contact – but I’m not sure it will. Did you kids still see their dad? How did you handle it if so?
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Hi Justkeeprunning,
Well done for getting out, that took a lot of courage.
Over time, the trauma bond lessens.
I’m quite a few months out of my abusive relationship, and I still get the feelings of guilt and did I make a bigger deal out of the abuse than it actually was.
I keep posting on here and reading posts, I have read 3 different books on abusive, controlling partners.
This has kept me strong and on the path to recovery.
I swear if I hadn’t have educated myself on abuse, I would have got back with my ex for sure.In the early days of the split, he bombarded me with messages, gifts, lots of guiltrips.
I felt bad for him, he said he has lost his home and family etc..
The guilt I felt was huge.
People on the forum and my support worker since keep reminding me that it is his abusive behaviour that lost him those things, not me.In regards to contact with children, it is highly difficult to arrange contact with an abuser.
I’m still trying to figure it out so that it works for us all.
I have come to the conclusion, that abusers use it as another form of control over the mother.My ex refuses to stick to times agreed, sometimes he kept them for days longer.
(Detail removed by Moderator).
The best advice I can offer for now regarding contact is to use a third party where possible, or even 1 family member of each sides of your family to make it even.
Ask the family members to organise the contact.
Know in advance what time kids will be returning, and who will be bringing them back.(Detail removed by Moderator).
Another thing to remember, even with injunctions in place, if there is nothing mentioned about the kids, he still has parental responsibility and he can keep them from you.
The police won’t be able to get them back for you.
You might need to look at a prohibited steps order.Good luck, keep posting, we are all here for each other xx
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Hi we are trauma-bonded and it acts like a physical drug. So we are going to suffer withdrawal effects. Well done for showing strength and for seeing things for what they are. It doesn’t make it any easier though.
It’s taken me years to really see my husband for what he really is. Always trying to placate and calm him. Always looking at his face to judge what mood he was in, always trying to make him happy by running ragged. Of course he was never happy, he was never that angry as it was an act to control me and the children.
He loved feeding off the fear. The acts of kindness followed by aggression is deliberate – it keeps us hanging and engaged with the hope of better things – which never come.
The whole thing is so messed up which is why it messes with “normal people “. We can’t even begin to imagine how they think. But then why should we ?
We need to put all that energy and focus and care on ourselves and our children.
I am still on my journey and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. We have lost the understanding of what a good healthy relationship is. We need to be kind to ourselves and draw upon the strength of friends and this forum to keep moving forward. -
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I’m glad I’ve seen this thread, I gain so much from this forum in answering questions that I don’t know how to put into words. I think you’ve done amazingly well to join the dots and leave – I think I’m joining the dots but just still not accepting what it makes. And it’s definitely the pull of the good moments that keep me here. I hope things are improving for you x
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Dear Everhopeful321 – they really are. There are VERY tough moments – and he’s still trying very hard to get to me. But I feel so much more myself – I’m a better parent than before, I’m happier. Despite everything they’ve been through, the kids are doing SO much better. It’s so nice to see all these positive changes in such a short space of time. So the next time I miss the good moments, I think about these changes I’m seeing and I’m so glad I left. Sending you lots of strength – and thank you again for your kind reply xxxx
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Thank you for that, you’ve no idea how much that helps me. I know that I’m here for the good moments and the what it could be like, and because I’m scared that the fall out of leaving would be so much worse than what I live with and what my children see as normal – your reply really gives me hope. Do you find that he tries to turn your children against you? I know that however he behaves, whatever he does I don’t speak negatively about him to the kids (which probably isn’t right, it probably further normalizes it), but I worry that if I left, he would try to turn them against me, make them feel sorry for him. Sorry, I hope it’s ok to ask x
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Hi Everhopeful321 – sorry I just saw this. He does try to do this – and it hurts. My older child understands, but it’s confusing for my younger one. But honestly – men that do this do not make good fathers. And I’m slowly learning that just being me – just doing the best you can – is more than enough. The kids can feel love – and I don’t think anyone can turn them against a mum that loves them.
I know exactly what you mean re not talking badly about Dad. I’ve tried to focus on behaviour that is not right – not that daddy is a bad person, but that I didn’t like certain behaviours, and it’s OK to leave when someone is doing something you don’t like. I want them to know this is possible – that they don’t have to take this kind of treatment, God forbid they ever find themselves in a similar position, I want them to know it’s OK to leave. But I also talk lots about daddy’s good qualities and I take it as a good sign that they feel free to talk to me about him. But it is VERY hard when inside I want to scream DO YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL HE WAS TO US – FOR US?!!! And of course he doesn’t return the same courtesy to me (he tells them all sorts of rubbish). But I will continue to put the kids first – which includes not badmouthing their dad (but calling out any behaviour that is not OK) whatever he does. I will let you know if it gets easier!!Good luck – and hope you have a good weekend xxxxx
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