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I’ve been in a relationship with an older man for a while now, within the first couple of months I started noticing controlling behaviours but it has gradually got worse. As this is my first post sorry that it’s a bit long but to give a general idea:
he controls what I wear down to my underwear all I’ve been wearing for months is baggy joggers and baggy mens jumpers, I can’t wear jewellery, I’m not allowed to wear any makeup ever or even lip balm when my lips are chapped and if I do he’ll use verbal abuse and makes me take it off, I can’t have a job and when I did he would call the work phone or turn up at my shifts to tell me to come home and he would call and text my personal phone constantly whilst on shift and if I didn’t respond for (detail removed by Moderator) the threats to show up and embarrass me would start, I can’t use social media, he keeps constant tabs on my location but still accuses me of lying about where I am unless I send him photos to prove it, I’ve lost all my friends, I can’t walk my dog or go to the shops for food without verbal abuse accusing me of cheating etc, I can’t watch films or tv with attractive men on screen or listen to music by men in his presence even if it comes on the radio by chance (detail removed by Moderator), I can’t attend university anymore and I’ve had to move out home, he accuses me of cheating every day, accuses me of looking at other men in public, calls me names and says the most hurtful things he possibly can in an argument sometimes telling me to kill myself. I’ve had to miss every event with friends and family blaming “illness” because he doesn’t like me going anywhere, including my own birthday celebration (detail removed by Moderator). I actually fear any events coming up because I know I’ll have to make an excuse to get out of it and people in my life have cut me off because I never see them anymore. He blames the verbal abuse on his mental health.
He has lightly pushed me or grabbed me during arguments before, threatened me physically during an argument one time and once pushed me against a wall. He immediately apologised but has since backtracked saying I’m overreacting and it was nothing, even mocking me for being upset about the push because he thinks I’ll go to the police about it. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I look like a ghost, I never leave the house, I have no money no university no friends. The police have contacted me suspecting abuse, he has a history of charges for it which he blames past girlfriends for lying about, but I told police I was okay.
I feel some guilt as well because being treated this way for (detail removed by Moderator) has caused me to verbally lash out back and resort to shouting and swearing just like he does as a way of defending myself, that was never part of my personality before. He says I’ve changed and I’m not a nice person anymore and honestly I agree.
The only reason I haven’t permanently left and cut contact is because he says he will kill himself. He has severe mental health issues, has lost his home and has fallen out with his family so he says when I leave he’ll have lost everything and there’s no point living. He also tells me it’ll be my fault if he does kill himself and he’ll make sure everyone knows it was my fault and (detail removed by Moderator). Whilst I’m aware threatening suicide can be a tactic of abuse I’m not so sure in this case because of his mental health and how badly his life has changed (detail removed by Moderator) and I’d be riddled with guilt if anything happened to him because he has children. So I just tolerate what I know is abuse and love him anyway so he won’t end up dead. I definitely can’t involve police for more complicated reasons and I don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be really appreciated.
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Hi, just wanted to say that you have done the right think in reaching out and im sorry you are going through this. The only advise i can give you is RUN. Everything you have described is abuse, ive gone through suicide threats, they will not do it. it is to keep you there and make you feel guilty. Please, get yourself out of there, block him and have no contact, ever. If you can, get the non-molestation order in place. You are not responsible for him or his mental illness, he needs to go through it himself. The only thing you will get out of this is a mental illness of your own. Please, pack your bags, go and never look back x*x
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hang on there. i didnt leave and didnt run which was my choice at the time cos we share a child together and i thought it was best to grow up in full family but i slowly fell into depression , i could not have a shower or brush my teeth at my worst days about which i would be abused even more listening how dirty my hair is and how he cannot even look at me. yet he would say that he is about to commit suicide if i dont come back. it is painful and strange cycle of abuse to be in but it ended when i went complete no contact. dont get me wrong, it was so difficult at the beginning, my emotions went from laughing to extreme anger, id lash out at people closest to me for no reason, made me feeling crazy at some point. today, im completely different person, i was reading old messages and OMG how stupid ive been to even believe a single word that was coming out of his mouth. i see everything form not a victims perspective and it breaks my heart how i could have allowed that in my life and my child`s life. You will be there one day, 1st step is get out of there, keep on going, accept the bad days youll be having, weak days, strong days. Love yourself and most importantly be kind to YOU x*x
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im absolutely sure there are so many women that can relate and give you better advice maybe, im not sure but i believe you are just as strong as me and can take that first step. it will be the hardest , it will get worse before it gets better but you can do this, believe in yourself , you are stronger than you think, dont let anyone to tell you otherwise x*x
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This post is so touching i hope you are ok but yes you need out. It’s not your responsibility to keep him alive whilst you live a life where u are doing a life sentence of your own. Most men only threat to keep you. Worst case if he did it’s a choice he made and not your fault for protecting you. No one will ever blame you no matter what he says x
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Hi, my heart feels so heavy reading your post . As the other ladies have said , this is clearly abuse. As an outsider, reading what you’re experiencing, it’s so difficult because you deserve so much more than this. He’s using horrible, nasty language and the most manipulative of behaviours. As hard as it is to take on board, it’s important to remember that he knows what he’s doing . He has a choice. It’s his choice to treat you like this. I’ve lived through the suicide threats and I’m proof that a better life is out there . There are so many charities like Samaritans that he can reach out to if he needs. Move at your own pace but please remember you’re worth so much more than how he’s treating you . You’re doing the right thing – keep posting and Learning x
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The police wouldn’t have spoken to you unless there was documented history of his dangerous behaviour. You must take this seriously. Don’t believe anything he says. Don’t feel guilty for telling the police that you are OK. They’re used to victims protecting the abuser.
Ideally you’d follow this up with the police. Let them know that he’s assaulted you, that he threatens violence, that he controls your finances, that he has isolated you and that he is verbally abusive. His threats to kill himself are the least worrying thing he does but you’d tell the police this too. They’d recognise all of it as dangerous and escalating abuse and advise you to leave safely. You know this to be true.
Please, make an exit plan and get out soon. Then cut absolutely all contact and don’t look back!
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Thank you for responding I really appreciate it. It’s helpful to be reminded that he is probably lying about his history, I’ve sort of been believing all of his explanations out of denial. Ideally I’d go through the proper processes like you said but I really can’t involve police, I can’t really explain why on here without it being too specific. But like you say I know I need to get an exit plan and get out safely. I think changing my phone number might be the best bet to have contact completely cut, and I’d like to get a job somewhere he doesn’t know I’ll be. He feels almost inescapable because he’s very well known and he and his friends are everywhere, I really dread bumping into him after things are over. It’s just a case now of getting up the courage to do it all and not worry about what he might do to me or himself. But encouragement like yours really makes me feel like I can so thank you
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Reading your original post again it’s striking how often you say you can’t do something, you’re not allowed to, or he makes things so unbearable you stop yourself from doing things. He makes you totally miserable, frightened and desperate. Yet, if YOU leave HE’S the one who will suffer? Who is he kidding?!
If you were outside looking in (as I am) you’d see this awful excuse for a human being for what he is.
You have family and friends who will do anything for you. That’s unconditional love and you need lots of it right now. Let them help you get away. Don’t discuss anything with him. You owe him less than nothing.
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