- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
It’s been some years since I’ve been on here. All you ladies used to give me such wonderful advice and I need it again to navigate what’s happened.
It’s been a number of years since my abusive relationship ended. I’ve worked hard with a counsellor to process it all and accept it wasn’t my fault and to see it for what it was. Emotional and physical abuse.
While going through counselling I met someone lovely who I felt was the right person for me. I had such a wall up and he had to really work to build my trust up in him. I had to learn to trust my gut and give him a chance. We planned a future together and I genuinely thought I’d hit the jackpot.
Only I discovered he had been lying to me about something very big. I can’t disclose on here what it is but this lie meant lieing every day to me. Making up a completely different story of events. Honestly hours talking about it and comforting him over what he was going through. Only did he confess when he couldn’t keep up the lie anymore. Now it’s out his tried to justify it by claiming it’s not that bad as it’s not physical abuse… but what his done to me has made me question everything. All the hard work I’ve done to trust my gut to believe I can truely trust someone. Am I being too dramatic here. Is this abuse or am I seeing everything as abuse now? I just don’t know. I feel like I’m back to square one and i can’t ever trust anyone. I’m so sorry if this triggers anyone I’m sure not every man is bad. I just seem to have the worst luck. -
Oh no, this is so not on you and you most certainly aren’t being dramatic… I want to give you a hug! How horrible that he has lied to you, spent your precious time talking to you about it (so I am guessing his lie was a big lie about his life in some way? Obviously I am not asking for what he said I am merely trying to read between the lines)…
Now he is down playing it, minimising it… run for the hills! he has lied, decides to tell you, minimised and dismissed it and expects you to do the same? I think you know the answer to this, your gut is right and that’s why you are back on this forum… my advice is to step right back from this man and take time.for yourself ❤️ -
Sorry for my slow reply! Yes it was a very big lie about his life and events that had happened. Basically an unthinkable lie. Now his threatening suicide and I know this could be a tactic but I can’t help but let it panick me. His trying to justify how his treating me by saying it’s not as bad as the last person I was with because it’s not physical abuse like it was with him so why can’t I give him another chance when I gave that man loads. I think I keep saying to myself well is this man abusive? But then I think it doesn’t matter if it can be classed as abuse it’s just not right to treat someone like that is it. Sorry to go on x
-
Yellow flower,
Relationships are built on trust. Without that they are nothing.
You will never trust him again. You will question and doubt everything he says and it will eat you up inside until its torture.
Whatever this big lie was, he said it to get something from you, whether sympathy, comfort or just attention. He played you and didn’t care at all about your feelings. They always ask for more chances and minimise what they have done, turning it all back on us. He is just trying to guilt and manipulate you into doing what he wants.
The suicide ploy is typical. Its blackmail. If you fear he is suicidal then ask the police to do a welfare check on him. You owe him nothing
He may be different from your ex but he is not good for you. You deserve much better. It is up to you, but you can see the true person now and you know you are worth more. -
Totally agree with Marmalade…. also, abuse comes in so many different forms, he has used the one society views as the worst, physical violence, to show you he isn’t that bad,.which when you think about it, could you ever imagine someone telling you that you hurt them because you lied and you respondex with what your partner responded with?
The threatening suicide is a common tactic, mine used that until I asked the police to do a welfare check..
Trust your gut, how many chances do you want to give, how many boundaries for him to break and so on and so on… the pattern can start so subtly but it is there already
HFH ❤️ -
Hi Yellowflower,
I experienced something similar. He told me a mass of little lies to make me believe one massive, unthinkable lie. His lies began before we got into a relationship and continued during the brief time we were together. Luckily for me, his unthinkable lie meant I didn’t see him for a few weeks. This gave me the time and space I needed to untangle everything. After calling him out I stopped all contact. When he messaged ‘marry me’ out of the blue I was insulted, not flattered.
Yellowflower, it makes no difference if he admitted the lie or you found him out – you have every right to walk away. Don’t forgive him – he doesn’t think what he did is all that bad. He doesn’t think you’re allowed to be upset. And he did all this in spite of knowing about your abusive ex.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
