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Was with someone for years. The good bits never trailed off but the bad bits increased. I left several times but did it for good last year. At first I felt relief and energy. I knew what I wanted – a family, and stability- and that relationship wasn’t it. Fast forward to now and I’m crying all the time, doubting whether it was as bad as I thought. This man made me cry from my soul with what he did, but he also saw me and healed my soul too. We’re from a similar background, with trauma and he could with with me through my PTSD and understand without a word. I sometimes worry my own trauma made me overreact to what he did.
And now I’m out I’ve isolated myself far more than he ever did. I realised my family was abusive and now I don’t speak to my (removed by moderator) because she behaves exactly as he did. But I’m a single mum and I’m struggling and feeling lonely.Every minute of every day I want to be in contact. Part of me would trade the bad bits for feeling so alive and connected.
He had serious mental health issues and would use them as excuses. He was unreliable and aggressive, his mood could turn on a dime. I was afraid of him and I shrank. But I was also happier than I’ve ever been and now everything feels so grey. I feel like I read the books and spoke to WA and conditioned myself into believing it was abuse, and now all that is unravelling and I just want my husband back.
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Hi Mamacosse,
Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find this a safe and supportive place to express yourself on how you are feeling.
I’m sure many women here will be able to relate to what you are going through emotionally. The anxiety, longing and regret can all be part of the process of healing from what you identified as abusive (quick to anger for no reason, unreliable, and used his mental health as an excuse for his behaviour, rather than acknowledge the impact it was having on you and take responsibility).
You mentioned engaging with Women’s Aid before, or your local domestic abuse service. It may be useful to just talk all this through with them. They are not there to tell you what to do or to judge; they understand the complex emotions that many women experience who have ended an abusive relationship and trying to move on from it.
You can also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.
Also, The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.
You can also access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.
Ultimately, the women here I’m sure can soon start to share their experiences with you and provide validation and insight into how they managed such feelings.
Take care,
Lisa
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