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Just when I thought I was feeling better and getting stronger I feel unbelievably sad and low. After the brillent week I had previously I just feel depleted. My beautiful house has gone on the market, it represents a number of years hard work renovating it from a ruin. Yes of course with my ex who was both charming and horrible a real jeckle and Hyde. I am grieving the relationship I probably never really had, I feel too tired to pick myself up and start again, pathetic. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, I just want to cry and cry . Why couldn’t he just love me and not hurt me and humiliate me, I begged him to stop, that last time I pleaded with him to just not be so brutal. After all the drama I just couldn’t go on anymore so it is time to end this chapter of my life and walk away. And today I’m sad not just about the house but for years of loving someone who is clearly too damaged to sustain any kind of relationship and god knows I tried.
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It’s such a horrible revelation when we realise that we were the only ones to do any loving. I built a home with my ex. We couldn’t afford to live in it, surprise surprise.
I’ve recently been love bombed by someone who turned out only to be a husk. It’s exhausting and it brings up so much past hurt. Very difficult to cope with.
These abusers were formed way way back when they were little children.
It’s ok, literally moving on. You’ll be able to re-establish yourself. You’ll find loads of support to rebuild your life. It’s horrible moving house. I hope he makes the sale straightforward. Your reaction to all this is so normal.
Baby steps. Doing kind things for yourself can include cleaning your teeth and making yourself a cup of tea. If you’re too distraught to eat, you may be able to eat ice cream or something that’s easy to swallow. For now, it’s just about getting through the day. These times will pass. You’re not alone.
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Thank you, I feel so s**t right now it’s just really hit me today. I have had to be so very strong and resilient for such a very long time and just hold onto all the hurt trying to make everything ok. Taking all the unkind words, the drinking, the moods and making it all ok. Supporting us both with a smile on my face.
I know it will pass I am genuinely excited and hopeful but today the pain won’t go away and the tears won’t stop.
I’m hiding from the world today. Xx -
Yeah i can relate even though im still here some days i just wake up and theres this sadness that just wont go. Other days I fight and fight hard for some sort of life whilst still here other days im so tired i shut myself away and cry. I guess its to expected after all youve been through there will be days when you just feel utterly shattered broken lost and then tbere are gonna be days where you feel free and brave and proud of what you have achieved. I guess the key is on those bad days you need to remind yourself just how amazing you are its ok to break its ok to cry but I guess you gotta then get back up wipe those tears and remember how far youve come and look fowards to an amazing future.
Allow those bad days cry scream whatever you need but then after a rest you get back up sweetie because well its what we do.
Much Love xxxx -
Ride the waves, it’s frigging hard and the highs and lows can be extreme, but it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to mourn the loss of the life you thought you had. It’s ok to be angry and grieve for someone he should’ve/could’ve been but wasn’t. It’s perfectly normal to be heartbroken at losing your home, your dreams, the happy memories. I’ve recently been feeling strong anger towards mine. But (I’ve posted this before) I found a post once that really helped me and it said,
‘let them keep what they took. If you gave them love and they walked away, let them keep it. If you gave them days, weeks, years of your life, let them keep the love you showed them during that time. Don’t fight for it back, don’t say you owe me. Let them keep what they took, it must’ve impacted their lives in some way and you can’t take that back. So yes, even though they gave you pain in return for your love, you still gave them love in return and how beautiful does that make you’ xx
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Thank you Bananaboat, that’s very beautiful and resonates with me. I think there is also a line in a song “ I was really rather miserable trying to love you” he is a damaged man, sadly I have known him since we were teenagers so have always been aware of some of the issues. But even though I absolutely loved him it still wasn’t enough and apparently bad boys do become bad men.
I am free and safe and every single day is a bonus,
No tears today but I am genuinely exhausted, lots of friends have reached out seeing the house for sale. Time for me to have my own dreams x
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