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I want to leave my partner, he is emotionally and mentally abusive. Things have been bad and miserable for years, we have a toddler. Him and his whole family are toxic and abusive. They’re all terrible people and they’ve been s****y to me for years.
The only reason I’ve stayed is to protect her. To keep her safe from them as much as I can. It’s a battle constantly. We’ve been together for over a decade and I’ve suffered from the start (physical abuse before our daughter, he stopped that but still lashes out). We aren’t legally married. I have no one to rely on and I am a stay home mother so financially I’m not in the best position but I do have some savings. He pays for everything.
He has more money than me, his family have money so I’m scared they will pay their way out of every situation. They always get their way. They are crazy and I’m scared they will convince him to take her abroad to their home country and I’ll never see her again.
I don’t know what my options are. I feel trapped. I’m constantly on edge and anxious. I’ve started CBT but my physical health is also being affected. Hair loss, constant illness. I feel like I have no right over my own life. I don’t want this life for me and my daughter. I don’t want to be around these people anymore. I feel lost. I feel guilty for my child. I don’t want her to go through what I have with them.
He’s so cruel. He keeps using her against me when he doesn’t get his way. He knows that how to hurt me. He has no respect for me, doesn’t listen to anything I say. I do think he is a n********t. He keeps gaslighting me. Wants a reaction out of me. Bullies me and belittles me even in-front of our daughter. Shouts infront of her. Involves her in our conversations. Doesn’t want to keep her safe from his concerning behaviour. His or anyone else’s.
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Hi,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be. I’m sorry to read about your situation.
It sounds like you have been enduring a lot for a long time and it must feel isolating for you. you have a right to feel safe and by protecting yourself you are also protecting your daughter. Its completely up to you where you go from here but you deserve more support with what is happening.
If you are not already I would encourage you to link in with your local domestic abuse service. They should be able to allocate you a domestic abuse worker to support you ongoing.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Hi I can relate to this I hear you say you have savings .save some more and leave you are only giving yourself more stress I was in this situation and the abuse got worse the more I allowed it try set boundaries.i had to leave I was having panick attacks and all sorts of illness from stress your daughter can’t be brought up in N abusive home .I’ve left I’m much better I have courts to deal with but it’s better than him being with kids daily and the abuse they saw and I put up with .it will kill you mentally.I’m now on anti depression I can’t function without them I have high anxiety from all the abuse I endured for years
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That is what I am worried about, getting very sick. I can only see it getting worse. But Iam terrified he will win. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight him and everyone he knows. He has connections, money etc. what kind of proof do I need?
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Hi and welcome to the forum
You have suffered for years, you are in the right place on this forum and you are no longer alone….
I remained with my husband for decades, we have teenage children whom I thought I was protecting whilst in my marriage. Unfortunately I didn’t protect them as now they are older and we speak about abuse they both have said that living with the amount of tension at home when their dad was still living here (he is also a high earner whilst I used foodbanks for over a year).
Maybe contact your local Women’s Aid to talk about your situation in confidence or online chat (if safe for you?)
It can feel like David and Goliath but remember that you have not caused this.
You do not have to remain in a miserable abusive relationship, there’s help out there for when you are ready.
You are brave and strong, to live with an abuser for over a decade is proof of your strength.
Keep posting
Big hugs
HFH ❤️-
How do you leave when you’re paralysed with fear that he will win and try to destroy you. He is capable. I’m scared he will lie and I’ll have to share custody.
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Icantdothisanymore, similar to Mellow, I became very ill towards the end of my marriage, physically and mentally… the thought of leaving did terrify me, my husband had caused so much damage and made himself so big and frightening that I believed I couldn’t do it alone… then the thought of staying became what frightened me more and the damage being done to my children, even without physical violence children pick up on the tensions/anxiety.
Why do you beleive your partner would get custody? This is something most abusive partners say (mine also threatened this and he is also a high earner). The abuse takes it toll mentally…for me I minimised a lot of what my husband…each boundary he broke kind of broke a bit of me.
Keep reaching out.
HFH ❤️
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Over 2 decades for me and 3 kids.
Im still not certain its abuse but hes nasty and im so unhappy I self harm I have eating issues anxiety and my health is taking a turn for the worst im so sad all the time. I stay for my kids who are older teens. I lretend they dont see they arent affected of course they are he shouts so much he calls me names takes the p**s tells me what i can and cant do the kids hear it all and are affected and i will never ever forgive myself for not seeing and not leaving. I fear for me its too late im too old too stuck too scared to ever see a way out.
So i get where you are and no matter how many people tell you to leave you cant or wont until you are ready really ready.
How you get there I have no clue.
But I know that you need to get there what you are descrbing is horrific and you cant nor should you live this way.
Keep reading pksts on here keep sharing your story learn arm yourself with as much info as you can about abuse the cycle.
The more you know the better you are able to fight.
Stay safe xx -
I think you need to escape and go far away and change your names so he will never find you both. Once you’ve saved up enough you can do that. That’s what I’d do in your situation xx
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Is it possible to do that? I can’t change her name if she has his last name and he’s on the birth certificate? And I’m sure he will take me to court if I tell him he can’t see her. He has connections.
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No I don’t think you can legally do that, attractive as it sounds. He could obtain orders from the court for your child to be returned, saying you had abducted her.I think you can’t change her name without his permission but you need to get legal advice on that. He also has a right to apply for contact.
See a solicitor who will be able to give you advice on the legal position. Also contact your local DA agency and see if they are able to offer you advice and support. Good luck. -
Is it considered abduction if you’re fleeing domestic abuse?
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The suggestion above was going far away, changing your child’s name and hiding her so that she would never be found.
My understanding is that if you just did this, it would be abduction and he would be entitled to go to court and ask for orders for her to be found and returned.
If you flee domestic abuse and go temporarily into a refuge then you can keep your address secret as refuge addresses can not be disclosed. He still can apply to the court for contact. In a large number of cases there is contact to a child even when domestic abuse is alleged. It depends on degree and all the particular circumstances of your case. Some women have addresses which are not disclosed to their ex for safety reasons, but those addresses are known to the court and their solicitors and it does not necessarily mean that there is no contact to the child. I can’t say what the court would decide in your case. Maybe there would be ongoing contact to your child, maybe not. It all depends on your circumstances. Please seek legal advice. If you cannot get to a solicitor then try to contact Rights of Women. They have a phone line and give free advice. They are only open a few hours a week and it is hard to get through but keep trying as they are very helpful. Also try to get advice from your local DA agency or approach your GP. A professional person like these can advise and help you. Your GP should have a list of local DA services and be able to either refer you or give you their contact details. If you are concerned about him knowing, then a visit to the GP looks innocent. Reach out for help to a professional so you don’t feel so alone. You really need some support.
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It’s such a frightening time. Please reach out to your local Women’s Aid for support. It’s important to speak to your GP about what’s going on at home and let any school etc know as well.
The guilt and shame we hold about domestic abuse is enormous & we blame ourselves for the behaviour of another.
It’s so difficult when we feel as though we’ve been mentally mashed to a pulp. You’ve done well to recognise the behaviour as abuse, and to recognise its impact on you. You can get out of this. Baby steps.
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I’m too scared of informing anyone because I don’t want social services to get involved since I’m still living with him.
I’d like to talk to my GP about my own health, the stress I’ve been going through. Again I’m scared it will go against me in terms of my daughter.
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It may help for you to get a cheap pay as you go phone so you can call women’s aid and anyone else, knowing that you’re not being spied on. It’s very difficult to start speaking about domestic abuse. It’s a massive shift to start recognising that the person we trust and love is an abuser.
Nobody is going to hold this against you, especially your GP. Social Services don’t want to cause you harm. You’re living in terrifying misery in your own home and it’s nothing you’ve done. It can feel scary speaking out especially at the beginning. It can feel as though it’s going to make everything worse. Your partner doesn’t have to know. Nobody is going to tell him your story. You’re a witness to someone else’s appalling behaviour.
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