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I’ve gone backwards and forwards the last (6 ish) months on whether I can call what is happening “abuse” (even tho I know logically it is) ..
There have been a few things happen in the last 2 weeks that have felt like the last straw for me……..not necessarily the “worst” but, in essence confirmed to me that this is way beyond the “normal” ups and downs of relationships and very unlikely to change..I’ve spoken to my local services but there are quite a lot of complicating factors (not for a public forum) that put some services off limits at the moment (at least till I’ve safely left) . I’m reading through the survivors handbook, I’ve spoken to a solicitor so know (ish!) my rights legally , and have an emergency bag at my best friends house (I could go for anywhere from a night to a few weeks but not long term) . I’m looking into rental properties , and walking on eggshells still at home to “keep the peace” .
I guess I’m just looking for hope.. or practical advice from anyone that has gone before me?…….
There’s a part of me that is just waiting for the BIG thing to happen to give me the final push that enough is enough… It feels so deceitful to be doing all of this “behind his back”
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Lots of women wait for the big thing to push them. To be honest, I left in the end because staying was just unbearable. I just went to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks then never went back.
I’m not really sure what more advice I can give you as you seem pretty well prepared.
Do you have your documents? – birth certificate, passport, marriage certificate, NI number etc.
Also remember to take any precious photos etc if you can get them away without him noticing.
Draw your support network close and stay strong xx
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You are not doing anything behind his back he is the abuser you have done nothing wrong. Their MO is to very successfully make us doubt our selves, kick our confidence and play the victim. I also told I was dramatic and exaggerating everything so you begin to normalise the situations and the trauma
Sending so much love xxzxxx
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@copevarde
I feel like I have done things wrong (in his eyes) and even through some counselling (originally went feeling like maybe we needed relationship counselling (though he refused to come) that it is “equal” in terms of responsiblity/ hurt caused…….. but I am so full of self doubt, even in things I KNOW …………and I’m questioning if I’m somehow “Playing the victim” in saying that I’m frightened of his reaction to me saying I’m going……. on the one hand a few friends are taking it very seriously ( to the point they are offering to wait outside/ urging me not to have the conversation face to face) and others (including counselling) suggesting it can somehow be done as a conversation face to face and then me staying /sleeping in the same house (which feels utterly terrifying to me despite the fact physical violence isn’t particularly his MO) ………I feel like I’ve lost my entire sense of self and judgment on what the hell is going on and I don’t know who I am anymore or how to judge reality ……. everything I’ve normalised for 15 + years and the narrative around it being a “relationship” issue rather than it being abusive ..is messing with my head…….
I hope you are doing okay x
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Thank you @Eggshells
I have most of the documents but need to find a couple more. I feel so dishonest planning this without him knowing/ talking it through – it feels like the opposite of how I *want* do do things (and yet I’m scared of the reaction if I was to bring things up, it’s like a catch 22) .I’m glad you got out and were able to stay with a friend …
It’s the having somewhere sorted to go (either short or long term) that I’m trying to sort next.. -
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thank you @nbumblebee
I’m trying to tap into that courage and stay focused … I start questioning myself when he is being “nice” thought whether I’m being an awful person to think about (let alone plan in secret) leaving.
Hugs back (if ok) xx -
I feel almost there (and at the same time utterly terrified) . I could put myself down for a contract to rent somewhere next week and be out in the next 4 weeks or so but suddenly I’m questioning myself……….”was it really that bad?” “could/ should I have done more to fix things? ” “maybe I should talk to him about how I’m feeling / suggest relationship counselling” / “what if he becomes more depressed/ suicidal” “Am I really a Self**sh ” (b***h) as he says.. well not the B** word but selfish in any other meaning of the word, over an over again) .
I feel it will always be a leap of faith ……….to those who have already left, how did you manage to summon the courage??
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Hi I feel the same so much guilt, anger and ashamed. But now I feel sick every morning questioning myself should I stay or should I go I feel like I’m on a seesaw. I am screaming inside run, run away but my legs have turned to jelly with fear. People tell me all the time how brave I am I don’t fell brave far from it. I just sit and cry I have no motivation. I know I’ve got to dig deeper but I’m just so tired I feel like a samon swimming up stream against the current 2 steps forward 5 steps back.
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DONT STOP.
Dont let him back in foward step keep taking them no matter how small. With my hand on my heart i could say that if i had the opportunity of a place to live id run for it I honestly would and I always say id nwver leave!!!!!
You need to leave sweetie deep down you know that actually I know that too. you cannot keep livjng this life you deserve better you really do.
The doubt the fear will of course be there but you have to push past it you are so close to that freedom we crave so much dont allow him back into your bead he wont change but your life can.
Take a bold brave step sweetie Fowards. Im with you every step of the way we all are xxxxxx -
@ricepudding
I hear you – I don’t feel brave either…in fact I’m worried that he’s right, and I’m all the things he has said and I’ve somehow “fooled” other people (and myself? ) into believing he is mean/ abusive. It’s making me question my sanity and reality … I understand the seesaw feeling and feeling sick about it all . Is there any support you have IRL to help you with the steps forward?
@nbumblebee
I know …. so much of me is saying keep going, keep pushing, go for it, and then another side of me is like “whoa….wait a minute….how can you do this?? ” It feels secretive and underhanded and maybe I’m the one being “abusive” / cruel…
I’m so torn… -
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From my experience in waiting for the ‘push’ it just made everything 10 x worse, I’d get out while you can before worse happens, life is too short to live in misery but I understand your pull & guilty feelings too, only you will know yourself when to go. You’ve got a whole new life waiting to open up for you xx
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Twix, thank you , I’m not sure what I have been waiting for really …maybe a single incident ( rather than drip drip) that feels bad ” enough” …or for the violence to become physical even ( that sounds awful to admit) so that I can be sure it’s right to leave ….I feel like the stuff that has gone on so far, maybe could be explained away or seen from a different interpretation)
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I waited for far too long but saying that, I know I wasn’t ready until I was. Nothing ‘extra’ happened that hadn’t already happened but I just had enough that day and decided that I was so miserable all the time how much worse could it be! I had said before that it was over but this time I meant it. I just felt it. I knew it was the right thing to do and I clung on to that to keep me going when it felt hard. And it was hard. But so so worth it. Because when I compare the life I’m living now, just over a year since the decision and about (detail removed by Moderator) months living without him – I can’t imagine how I survived that past life. The calmness and freedom in our lives is something I never thought I could have. I think you know in your head and in your gut that this is what you need to do. It WILL be hard. But nothing worth having was ever easy. And if you can live and survive the life they make us live with them, then you can do this.
I’ll also say that he rallied – he cried, he shouted, he tried to make me feel guilty and that I hadn’t tried enough or given him enough chances – my Achilles heel – the need to help other people! But in the end, all I could see was that he only cared about himself. He did not care that I was unhappy or that our children were unhappy. He didn’t care all those times that he had me in tears or he was screaming in my face – telling me how rubbish I was and trying to make me small. If he was a decent man, he would have accepted my decision, respected it even. But I knew he would never do that and waiting for him to die (yeah I was…) or to leave himself was just futile. He was never going to leave – life with me was too easy. Anyway, all that to say – be prepared that it will be tough and he will try all those tricks.
Just stay strong to what you know to be the right thing to do.
x -
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Tired of it all…
Your situation sounds so like mine, I just knew a few weeks ago I was done, I’m fed up being an emotional punch bag for someone who treats strangers better than me. He has ruined every big occasion with his anger beforehand and nothing huge happened, and I’ve been through much worse with him, but something switched in my gut and I completely distanced myself. I feel awful doing it, he’s acting defeated and sad, but I can’t be drawn back in, I’m done.
Would you mind if I asked you some questions? Just I feel your ex’s reaction is exactly what I will face and we also have children involved so I’m scared, and I will want to help him, but I’ve always known, once I leave I can never return. The control and lack of trust from him would be stiffening, and at some point I will be made to pay for taking control.
Anyway, if you would have some spare time to talk, it would be great, even if you could send me a PM in case what is said is too outing. Well done for being so strong. Xx -
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@galabeee how are you getting on? So much of your post resonates with me!
“Am i exaggerating?” “Surely it wasn’t all so bad.” not it wasn’t and that’s why you stay so long. Because you’re in a cycle.
It helped me to speak to a helpline where they confirmed it was abuse (i tried to stay as factual as possible when describing his actions and words). This helps me to know it’s not me misinterpreting.I hope you are ok and making progress. I am also trying to figure out how to end it. Sending you strength.
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@Glasshalf
Oh I feel I’ve been in a constant loop of questioning but something has shifted ….
I did talk to the helpline aittle while ago so have had it validated ( if that’s the right term) but still keep seeing guessing ….although I’ve come to a place where I know it’s definitely right that I get out …. It’s just the logistics now. . -
How have people actually done it…. like without them noticing? Packed everything one day while they are out? I feel sometimes like I’m over-exaggerating or being dramatic to be frightened of him or his reaction……..and yet I think there is something in him that could be so so dangerous….
But at the same time it feels awful to just leave and be gone in secret one day … and tell him after… I feel trapped and not sure what to do with this next part. I haven’t quite sorted the living situation either but I could potentially stay with friends for a couple of weeks and then would be more ready to jump when the right thing longer term came up …
I just can’t believe I’m about to blow up my whole life like this …-
I know im a hypocryte but Im gonna give my opinion anyway.
Ive read so many stories on here and many do just leave. Yes you will feel s**t because you are a kind person if you tell him you are leaving he will do all he can to stop you and you knkw this.
My opinion is to leave just go leave a letter maybe saying you are safe but you are done. But hey what do i know I feel like an idiot telling you what to do am im sorry but im sure you know its easier to help others than yourself right?
He doesnt need to knkw where you are. Maybe it would be good to stay with friends for a bit so you arent alone to begin with.
Whatever you do just keep yourself safe sweetie. Xxxxxx
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Hi
When I finally left after a very long relationship and a few attempts at leaving I too felt I needed to wait until he did something that would be the final push. It’s almost as if you need to justify leaving.
I found planning hard to cope with. I did find a holiday let that I could afford at short notice, I actually booked on the day I left.
This gave me a couple of weeks space to sort my next move out.
I took one step at a time.Good luck you can do this x
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Thank you both . @nbumblebee you aren’t a hypocrite at all – I understand how hard it is to think through all these things let alone put them into practice. Leaving without saying where I’m going (or that I’m going) feels horrible and cowardly but at the same time I genuinely can’t predict the response either.. it’s hard to think what is the safest option.
@Graysky – that’s what I’m starting to think about too, somewhere that can be very short term and then I can sort things from there… it just feels a very fragile situation, although you are right about one step at a time being the way to go! I’m trying not to get dragged back into thinking I need to wait for something bigger/ “certain” to justify leaving….(I also know somewhere in me there has been more than “enough”) -
Galabeee, how are you getting on? I am in the same limbo stage as you. We have kids, so the guilt of removing them from the family home is weighting heavily on my mind. I also know we may have to have some contact because of them. Plus we are going through a calm stage and he’s been more patient with the kids, which is hard as it’s never been like this. It’s not changing my mind, just like mentioned above, I’m waiting for something to blow up so I can walk away with the knowledge he’ll never change, and that insistence will be fresh in my mind. I’m thinking about you, and hoping you have found a way to leave.
I’m hoping I can leave with a letter explaining who to contact about seeing the kids. I’m really trying to not think about it as the fear is making me ill. xx-
Hi @selfish (which I’m sure you are not btw!) . I’m not out yet…weighing up between just going and trying to stay with friends for a few weeks (different friends) which would be really disruptive to everyone, or waiting out till I’ve sorted somewhere a bit more permanent , but at the same time I don’t want to lose the certainty I have now that leaving is the right thing.
Have you managed to speak to your local Women’s Aid? They’ve been really helpful in trying to think things through initially . There is probably some legal advice that might help with questions re: contact for the kids etc..
It is so hard though I know…especially int he “calm” stage which makes you question everything.
I hope that you manage to find somewhere to go – I think having had a few false starts I need to just jump whilst the feeling is there otherwise there is a few moments of “nice” (or “not awful” ) and I start completely doubting myself and next steps and then months later… here I am still…
Look after yourself and take care , keep talking .
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Thanks Galabeee for your reply. Yes you definitely should try to get out whilst you have that certainty, I really hope you can find somewhere lovely to stay. Are you in an unsettled phase? I’m randomly hoping we have one soon. For years I’ve been wanting this calm phase to last as long as it has, it’s so hard to keep strong knowing I’m doing the right thing. Every other time I’ve had doubts I usually rely on him telling me everything is fine, and he is forgives me for annoying him then we get to this calm phase. I know it’s silly even thinking that now, but his moods have always dictated how the rest of us are. It would be so easy to just fall back into that routine, but I know this current good mood isn’t going to last, and even if it does for a few months, we will then have an even worse episode and I’ll wish I’d just left. I just feel sick, every part of my body is fighting me, I constantly feel sick, on edge he is going to find out, I can’t eat or sleep, and I struggle to concentrate on doing anything. My whole body is on constant high alert, and I have no idea when housing is going to come through. Honestly, this forum and support is the thing keeping me focused, this limbo stage is hard. 1/3 of my life I’ve spent pampering to him, and making sure he is happy. Now I’m planning to leave and I know it will hit him like a ton of bricks, and not having a clue what his reaction will be is the worst feeling. Sorry, I’ve ranted on. I keep hoping one day I’ll see the angry side of him and that will just keep me focused on my reasons and I can have no regrets. Just hard as I’m walking away from my home, and anything I leave in it. Knowing where to start with what to take is taking its toll. I know I’m the end it will be worth it, but at the moment I’m questioning everything. It’s hard to get out of the headspace that if the house isn’t immaculate when I leave, he’ll be so angry. Anything I leave will be broken, and because he thinks everything in the house is his, I can’t take things like the tumble dryer or beds or it will end up making something else worse.
WA have been in touch, so I have a wonderful case worker. Last week was an emotional week, this week I feel numb, but I think she realised how overwhelming I’m finding it all. Our situation with the kids is complicated, but I’ve hopefully found a solicitor who will help with planning the access.
Have you thought about your possessions once you leave, how are you finding the process?
I hope you are safe x*x -
Thank you @selfish and sorry for the late reply.
I’m glad you have found a good solicitor and a caseworker to help you through this next part. It’s not really an unsettled phase here, which makes it almost harder to feel that I’m allowed/ justified in leaving… I start second guessing myself, wondering if I have/ am the one treating him badly (as he often accuses) , wonder if I’m playing the victim and making out like it’s abusive when it’s not (or I’m the one who is…) . It honestly feels like I’m losing my mind here sometimes…
Or like I’m waiting for something “worse” or something “else” to happen to have the conversation..I have spoken with a solicitor so think I know where things stand legally … All possessions I don’t want destroyed (apart from me and the pets!) are out of the house now …. everything else I can live without if I need…it’ll mean starting from scratch entirely with furniture etc.. as I can’t get anything else out now without it being obvious but I’ve kinda made my peace with this being how it’s going to be…
I can’t really believe I’m actually doing this, I just feel kind of numb to it all like it’s a bit of a dream .. -
Galabeee, well done you, I hope you are keeping strong and reminding yourself you deserve to be happy, like that full place of happiness without any niggles or fears. I can’t wait until the day I can go out with the kids and not worry about getting home to make sure the tea is cooked and chores done. Having that feeling of freedom every day, and not having to ask permission.
I am exactly the same with my possessions. I’m taking what is sentimental to me, and then on the day I’ll pack kids stuff, but all household things will be left and I’ll be starting afresh. I think though, all new household items will be my choice, if I want a Barbie pink dinner service, then I can have it! I’m sending over best wishes and hugs, and keep updating us on everything. X*x -
Thank you @selfish
I can’t imagine the sense of freedom , and yet at the same time I’m worried I’ll lose my nerve, he is being SO nice the last couple of days (he doesn’t know but I feel like he knows *something* ) …
Like you, sending best wishes and hugs for you too – this is such a brave thing to be doing!
I also love the idea of a pink dinner service 😉 maybe start a trend!!This week has felt like it has hit me like a ton of bricks……..in lots of ways …. One being he is being “nice” which makes me question absolutely everything I think and feel , “how can I hurt him like this/ he has no idea/ maybe he has changed and it’s “stopped” /maybe I’m over-reacting”.
I had counselling (have been having it individually .. ) and there were a couple of comments about maybe I’m seeing myself as a “victim” in ending the relationship .. and “you’ve both hurt each other” that left me feeling quite judged… like I have no doubt he will be upset (maybe more than that) at me leaving, but I genuinely (and this is with soul searching) don’t feel I’ve purposely hurt him in the way I feel he has hurt me……….
I felt like maybe I’m seeing things as “abuse” which aren’t or “Playing the victim” somehow … and it’s got me second guessing everything and my decision….
I also told my mum what’s been happening as I’d probably go there in the initial aftermath of telling … she was a bit shocked/surprised (but not totally) and has been supportive of me doing what I need. …. she’s seen elements of what I’m talking about (silent treatment, seething anger , control etc.. ) but not the full extent…
My brain feels like mush at the moment like I can’t concentrate or make any real meaningful decisions, and yet it’s the time I MOST need to have my wits about me and plan /prepare….
I’m so so tired right now ..
How have people found the strength for the final push…. even when doubting it is the right thing, I mean, I know it’s the right thing for me, just feeling absolutely torn by how “unfair ” it will feel to him (from his point of view) , how much his family will probably hate me …….and then having to rebuild, on my own…
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Re the “victim” comment I said my worst fear is him hurting himself, not letting me out of the house (he hasn’t got previous of this but it is something I’ve experienced in a different scenario in my life.. ) I feel like everything got put back on that (absolutely traumatic ) experience without me being hear that I am scared of my husband and how unpredictable the last 18 months have been (including his reactions to things which have felt completely irrational some of them and out of proportion) . I feel like I’m being questioned of whether this is about him or about something/someone else (I genuinely don’t feel it is) …
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How do people/ have people left when they are in a “Nice” phase. I feel almost since I got everything sorted (there is still a delay in having somewhere to move to and even then I might be with friends for a couple of weeks) …. he has been being “nicer” , nothing discernable that I could even describe as abusive other than the odd passive aggressive comment…
I feel like I’m being an awful person about to blow up his world for no reason, but I can’t stay living like this either – just waiting for the next time. And even if there was no “next time” the things that have already happened I’m not sure I can come back from (or want to) .I just feel like I’m in a horrible waiting/ limbo stage…. as once I tell him I have to go that day …
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Oh goodness Galabeee, our situations seem to be in alignment with each other. For weeks now he has been kind and patient. Even after he found out I had been thinking of leaving, when the initial shock wore off, he ignored the whole thing and suddenly he is being the model husband and (mostly) parent. Suddenly my opinion means something, and I’m getting some form of manors too. If this had happened 3 months ago I would have been over the moon, but I’m just so sad and I feel broken, like why now? He knows I am sad, but won’t even broach the subject of why. I struggle to face him each day, as I don’t want to, and I’m so scared I change my mind. I feel this is the only shot I have at going, but leaving now after he seems to genuinely be trying feels impossible and cruel. I can’t even act ‘normal’ as I can’t remember what that was. I’m just so desperate to leave, and every day I think, today is the day his mask will slip, but then he is nicer than the day before. In the back of my mind I know if he cared about me, he would notice that I’m just going through the motions and ask if I want to leave. I think I’ll never get away, and if my kids didn’t need me, I just really wouldn’t see the point in living. My life has been taken away bit by bit, and now what’s left is just a robot trapped in a human body. My life as been consumed by his moods, and trying my absolute hardest to make him happy, and now he’s happy and treating me like an human. It’s sad that I can’t enjoy it, and it’s sad that at this point
I would do anything to see his temper. He knows now to watch everything he is saying and doing so I don’t have any excuse to go. It’s so hard as this is a man 3 months ago I loved so much and I would never have wanted to see our relationship for what it really was.
We need to stay strong, surely at some point they won’t be able to control themselves and we will see what we know is underneath this niceness. But it’s hard, I completely understand that. In a way this is harder than the actual abuse, as we have been conditioned to believe when something goes wrong, it’s our fault and we will be punished. This is against all our instincts that we must make this right and make sure he feels secure again.
I don’t know how I missed your message about the counselling and I just wanted to say, I’ve been reading an amazing book, recommended by someone here ‘was it even abuse’ by Emma Rose Byham, and she explains beautifully how people who don’t understand this cycle of abuse look for 1 big episode to explain it all. It’s a bit like reading one page of a book and expecting to understand the plot. Impossible. It is a whole mixture of micro elements (that on a daily basis have worn us down) which lead to Macro elements, which we try so hard to avoid. Unless they have experienced your life and known the effects, they are in no place to victim shame or place blame on any of your actions. I have seen how people react to even the small everyday comments I have opened up about, but still I have no confidence myself that what I’ve experienced hasn’t been of my own doing. Or that I’ve pushed him to that point and really
It wasn’t that bad. How can someone who seems to be so nice be the monster I have in my head. Did I live in an alternate reality where I imagined everything.
It’s only through speaking to others on here that I realise our fears and experiences are valid. Hearing from those who have left and reflecting on what they have gone through is so inspiring. I hope that soon we will help others too.
I am hoping you feel stronger today. X*x -
@selfish
I hope you are doing okay . This is the biggest irony isn’t it? A Few months or a year ago I would have given anything for him to behave in the way he is now – actually considerate/ acknowledging my existence etc.. and yet now it all feels tainted and I don’t trust it one bit………..I haven’t said I’m leaving (yet) …………though when I’ve mentioned thinking of it before/ thinking I need to it’s been met with mocking/ undermining/ “what do you mean you don’t feel safe ? ” and making me out to be stupid/ over-dramatic…
Thank you for the book recommendation, I will definitely look into it………….. I know in a logical way that what is happening /has happened isn’t okay (and that even the “niceness” is part of a cycle , even if not fully “conscious” on his part) and at the same time the emotional part of it won’t believe that what’s happening is actually abusive) .
I don’t feel massively strong today to be honest, I’ve cried a good few times at the thought of all the things I’ll lose in telling him / actually leaving ………and the overwhelm of doing everything “on my own” (ironic as I’ve never really gone to him for support -emotional or otherwise and certainly not in the last couple of years………but the thought of living on my own for the first time in 15 plus years terrifies me (along with all he has said/ implied about how little I can “fend for myself ” (essentially) . One part of me knows that’s a load of rubbish…………but another part of me is so tied into “he’s probably right, he knows me better than I know myself” that I can barely trust anything I think or want anymore…….. -
Aww Galabeee, I can feel your conflicting emotions. I am exactly the same. The feeling of being trapped in a completely different way is overwhelming and so hard to cope with. Nbumblebee has summed it up, they need us. They know that, and they have gone back to how they were when we met them and romancing us again to pull us back in, and it’s suffocating. I feel smothered all the time, as he is not someone I know, a stranger who wants to be intimate with me. Just like the beginning though, surely we will encounter something so stressful that he can’t hide behind the mask. Although I will welcome the normality of that day, I fear it also as it will be weeks or months of pent up anger he has hidden. We need to keep strong, and speaking to each other as I believe this is where we get the strength to keep on the right track x*x
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Galabee, your partner has sensed a shift.. what you said about you not wanting to smash his world up.. that’s what he wants you to think, he will want to appear nice, calm and a victim if you leave…Everything is OK now as he is being nice so in his mind All the abuse he has put you through has gone… but for you it hasn’t, you are still gaging his moods as he will ramp up the abuse.
When my husband was being ‘nice’ (or just not abusive) I found it very hard to leave, it is hard enough to leave a healthy relationship, to leave an abuser is something very different.
Trust your gut, you know him well
Keep posting
HFH ❤️-
Hi @Hereforhelp
That’s exactly what it feels like is happening right now, like I can’t believe that what happened actually happened, I start to question my memory and sanity . I’m almost at the point I don’t care about his moods, I feel like I’ve given up and lost myself and I know this is when I need to gather all my energy for the next steps.
I thought I knew him, for years… decades even and yet what I’ve seen in the last couple of years has been like the version of him I thought I knew has died (but it looks to everyone else as though everything is still “fine”) .
Yes so hard to leave when there isn’t direct abuse, but at the same time when there was I was too frightened of him and his reaction and didn’t have the strength to either, it’s like a vicious circle..
I’m glad you were able to get out.
x
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You have made me think oh my @Galabeee I may have just realised something thanks to reading your posts.
I walked out on my husband during a bad time sat in my car for 2 hours then went home i hardle ever have done that probably once in over 2 decades. Since then he has been nice calm no moaning no support but no moaning I am doubting myself again really bad.
I read your post and was going to comment as the amazing @Hereforhelp has that this is another tactic that he sees your strength and is scared he knows he is buvger all without you so he is trying to keep you trapped he knows exactly what he is doing sweetie and you cant let him in. Dont doubt yourself it doesnt matter when you go as long as you stick to that plan of yours that freedom plan. As i was writing this I realised it hit me.
Mine is doing the same i can see it in his eyes he wants to say something nasty to stop me to make me feel rotten but he knows he is pushing me too far so be doesnt but he will. They always turn back always stay strong sweetie xxxx-
@nbumblbee
Ihear you on the doubt and even the fact you were able to be away for 2 hours in reaction to the bad time, I Feel like I have done everything in reaction to what’s happened in “secret” and it feels really underhanded (though has been done through fear/ walking on eggshells I feel like I’m being dishonest somehow………….me “lying” to him is such a big theme in all the things he has thrown at me ) .I genuinely question whether him being nice is a tactic (I know logically on some level that it probably is ) as part of me thinks “oh maybe I’ve done “enough” / stopped doing the things he felt I was treating him badly and now it is okay again.
I know when I read that back it probably sounds ridiculous………but at the same time it feels like it drags me in….
Now I know I have somewhere to go it feels a different kind of “trapped” of OMG now I need to tell him/ what will he do/ how will he react etc..
I’m glad it helped you see things from another side………. I need to remember that. I was fully ready to leave 6 + months ago and didn’t , and it got significantly worse………….then “better” (As I was “behaving/ getting in line”) and then still other things happened to make me think “no this is it” but the last few weeks (Even tho the plans are still unknown) feels like they have thrown me for a loop…….
I don’t understand how I have lost myself this much………
Keep talking and stay strong too , I never imagined finding myself in this position and it makes me sad so many strong and amazing women are going through something similar .
x
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Thank you @StrongLife and everyone else who has replied to this.. my plan is to tell him and go this weekend, and yet he has come in today like the man I love/ married …..I feel soooo guilty like I’m about to implode his world……but at the same time I need to be able to breathe … how do you hold your nerve??
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Read your old posts remember how bad it got how bad it gets.
It doesnt stop he wont change.
Stick to your plan you have come so far been so brave and we are all right behind you.
Dont tell him until you go until you actually leave as he will do all can to make you stay its up to you to not let him.
Just remember we are here should you go or should you stay we got you. X -
Thank you so much , I know I need to go back and remember what has pushed me to leave in the first place and how bad things were. It’s hard to believe/ sit with when it’s not happening or constant….. and yet at the same time I know things won’t stay the way they are right now and then I’ll massively regret not going when I had the chance to. ….
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Galabeee, best of luck.
I ended up telling my husband, and after lots of talking and crying I think he’s accepted it’s over and I’m moving out once a house comes up. The relief overwhelms me which supports me in my decision to leave. I can’t forgive the past, and even with the promises to change (and I hope he does) it’s too little too late.
I’m now dealing with another anxiety, a referral from someone I trusted, has gone through to Social Work regarding the kids witnessing the abuse. It’s a huge worry and was a step backwards as I feel like I’ve lost a bit of control over things.
Hopefully things go ok this weekend. I don’t think we realise our own strength until we are faced with these situations. I know for me, I feel freer than I did a week ago. If anything good comes out of this, it’s that he will work on his issues to be the best dad to our kids. X*x-
Thank you @selfish (you aren’t “selfish” btw!) . What an incredibly brave thing you have done in having the conversation…I’m genuinely dreading it and have visions of him not letting me leave (although I’m not sure if I’m basing that on fear/worst case scenario or what he is actually likely to do ) …
But I need to start the conversation otherwise I’ll never move on/forward…
I hope that Social Services can offer some support – maybe supporting with housing applications etc.. too? They will want to help (though I know it can feel like that’s the last thing..)
Sending support
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@galabee you’ve come so far in just such a short time. Well done!
I have had the conversation with my soon to be ex and am now waiting for him to move out (i own our home).
You can do this. And once you’ve started the motions it helps you to keep moving forward.
Keep remembering the reasons that got you to where you are today and why you want / need to leave. You didn’t chose this. You are reacting to what he has done to you and putting a stop to future abuse.
And think about your short and long term goals (write them down if it helps).
I hope this helps. Sending you strength.-
Thank you @glasshalf … I’m in awe of anyone managing to have had the conversation , I’m dreading it… it feels like everything in me is frozen to the spot and I’ve not been able to talk freely for months.. or year (plus) even… I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I can’t just DO or say it…
I’ve started a list of some goals for myself … my main one is a home that I can breathe and relax in and not feel I’m constantly second guessing myself or what I’m doing (or not doing) …
Even though I didn’t choose any of this, I feel like “what if I’ve got it wrong and it’s (at least partly) my fault (in how I’ve been in the relationship) and that I’m being awful by just bailing on it.. and at the other time I know full well I’m reacting to what’s been said / done and needing to get out to keep my safety and sanity intact..
Thank you for the support and strength, definitely need it.
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@Galabeee you ok?
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@nbumblebee
Thanks for checking in , I still haven’t broached the conversation yet… really struggling as he is acting so “nice” and “normal” I now feel like I’m going to be the one wrecking everything ..
I might try tomorrow … I feel like I want one more day of (Fake as it is) “normality”To people who have had the conversation to let them know you are leaving (before you did) , how did you do it? Where did you start?…
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Well I did it…. I feel so tired, I don’t know where half my stuff is (having got it out to various friends houses) ..and I’m trying not to question my memory / feelings as everything and all the reasons for leaving are being either minimised or justified and making me feel crazy and awful..
But I did it…
thank you to everyone here for all your words of wisdom and comfort
g x -
Galabee, you do not owe him an explanation…. for now try to take time to look out for you, to put you first and have some time to recover… He knew what he was doing
After I separated I had a barage of emotions (rollercoaster is an expression used on this forum a lot)…
He claimed to be suicidal, I was terrified and even wrote a post on here back then about how scared I was that he may actually go through with it…. I was advised.to inform the police for a welfare.check up on him… I was unbelievably scared but he was fine!! That gave me some confidence as it was a clear tactic which us often used…That’s just one example which I share with you in case yours does the same (one.of your earlier posts mentioned you were concerned about him becoming more depressed/suicidal and i really can relate to that… he is a.grown man and it is his responsibility to.seek help for his mental health.
And breathe … you are so brave to have taken that leap…. I remember that feeling well
Take.care.and keep posting
HFH ❤️-
Thank you so much …rollercoaster sums it up for sure , I’ve been so worried about him ams his mental health ( whilst trying to keep in the back of my head and upturn in anger/ rage towards me) that I feel I’ve been ( and still am) in survival mode.
Trying to keep breathing and doing tiny things for me as and when I can in between the rollercoaster of everything else…
Thank you 💗
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I’m really struggling with trusting myself ….the state he’s been in mean everyone is feeling very sorry for him and questioning ( even in a nice way) whether I can make it work / “throw everything at it to save it” etc …
He looks bereft and not like someone who has set out to be harmful ….and yet there was no thought while I was living here too scared to sleep some nights … I feel like my judgment is being questioned ( even by those I thought understood it )
G -
You all seem to have friends, even best friends… not self pity but I have NOONE. In this entire world full ro the brim with people I have not got one person . I am so very sad so very tearful I can hardly breathe. Busting but what? It’s all very well having other women in the same situation but who can reach out and hug me N
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W when I need it most, who can reassure me things will work out?-
@Brokenfingernails
I’m sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, and I know I am super lucky to have the friends I have who have helped me with this. Is there anyone like your GP ? Health visitor/ school (not sure if you have children? ) you could reach out to ? or if you are safe to do so women’s aid have a chat function on here who are someone to listen to you and offer support.
Keep posting here too we are listening.
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Well done for taking this step! It’s a big one! Yes, there will be people on his side. But you’ll rise above that.
In the end, this environment / relationship wasn’t healthy for you. You’re doing the right thing getting yourself out of it.
I understand the doubt, i really do. But you can do this and come out the other side stronger.-
Thank you @glasshalf and @nbumblebee.
I have been out now just over a week…………. its hard, and sad, and liberating and all kinds of things all at once. I’m not really sure how to feel (which is okay I suppose) …..only that not having to constantly monitor moods and anger is definitely what I had hoped it would be. I feel a bit like I’m going to crash though with the years of trying to hold it together and especially the last year of coming to this decision…….I’m not sleeping great (even though I’m more relaxed) , constantly tense in my jaw and shoulders, I still feel like I can’t take a breath but not sure why….
But to say a huge thank you to everyone, I’m not sure I ever would have got to this stage without the support and knowing there were others who had / or were doing the same thing or are bravely in the same situation . I wouldn’t wish this on anyone…
g x -
Im so glad you let us know ive been wondering how you are.
Well done for going gosh what a brave brave thing you have done i am so lroud of you so very proud.
Its bound to feel weird you will of course feel overwelmed and maybe even numb and as you say ready to explode all at the same time (like i know!!!)
But thats all ok allow yourself to feel sweetie just cause you are out doesnt mean it cant still hurt. Make sure you have someone to talk too to share these feelings with take one day at a time its very early days.
But my goodness for what its worth i think you are amazing for leaving him.
Sending much love n hugs x -
Thank you @nbumblebee
I don’t feel brave, even though I know its taken a lot of strength to do what I have …I font feel I’m coping brilliantly well , my emotions are all over the place and I keep thinking I’ve left the door “open” so to speak….like eventually he’s going to expect me to go back….
You are right though, early days right now
X
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Ahhh sweetie its ok if you arent ready you know dont put added stress on yourself. For what its worth I wouldnt if I ever got to this point I would just go once all my ducks were in a row id go and when i was safe id then tell him. Yep i guess thats the cowards way but its the way id do it but hey who am i to judge as im so nowhere near there.
But sweetie its ok.
You know its just part of the cycle though right? He sees you getting stronger he may sense something so he is putting on the charm to convince you to stay you must remember this.
Am thinking of you sweetie sending hugs stay safe just stay safe xxxxxx -
Thank you @nbumblebee
I can totally understand the feeling of getting everything sorted and just going … I don’t blame you at all for wanting to do that. I hope too that someday you can get to a stage where that feels do-able for you.
A couple of close friends I’ve spoken to about it have said to go without telling him.. it just feels so heartless and cruel (despite what’s happened) … so I feel like I need to at least *try* to start a conversation at some point… I may try again tomorrow… I’m just exhausted and ground down and feel like I have no fight left in me, but I know I need this final push to get where I need to get to next.. -
I’m really struggling with trusting myself ….the state he’s been in mean everyone is feeling very sorry for him and questioning ( even in a nice way) whether I can make it work / “throw everything at it to save it” etc …
He looks bereft and not like someone who has set out to be harmful ….and yet there was no thought while I was living here too scared to sleep some nights … I feel like my judgment is being questioned ( even by those I thought understood it )
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Thank you @nbumblebee
I know it doesn’t undo the “bad” and I am trying hard to trust my gut, its hard when there’s been so many years of it being questioned and worn down…that I start to question myself and if I can trust my judgement…
today’s been a little better tho -
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