My situation (long)

Names, places, occupations etc have been changed.
I met my now wife (we are in a same sex relationship) some (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. We met online; it wasn’t a dating site, it was a (detail removed by Moderator) support site. I’m going to call her Jo (not her real name).
At the time, my life was a car crash. My child had been adopted and moved (detail removed by Moderator) (he was adopted by (detail removed by Moderator)). I had substance misuse problems, an eating disorder, and was completely isolated. I left school at (detail removed by Moderator) following my disclosure of CSA. I grew up in care, so no family. I’ve had a lot of childhood trauma and I honestly feel like a textbook statistic right now.
So, Jo and I struck up a friendship online. She quickly started visiting me, and within (detail removed by Moderator), we were packing me up and moving me across the country.
Problems started quickly. I found she was going through my phone. She would make ‘jokes’ about my looks ((detail removed by Moderator)). I had contact with my child, despite my child being (detail removed by Moderator), and Jo was clearly very jealous of our relationship.
I decided to go back into education. Jo and I ended up attending college together (despite her having completed school and some further education and she was working as (detail removed by Moderator)). Jo was openly unpleasant and rude to people, ostracising the both of us. The first year was a (detail removed by Moderator) level course, the second year was (detail removed by Moderator). I decided to apply to uni to study one subject, (detail removed by Moderator).
Being invited out anywhere was a nightmare. I wanted to go, but the tantrums were hard to manage. She always said she didn’t trust other people. She would call 20-30 times whenever I was out. If she came out, she would be incredibly inappropriate, rude and generally unpleasant, later denying it. I started turning down invitations to go out and people stopped asking.
There were issues during the first (detail removed by Moderator) years regarding s*x. I was pressured into doing things I didn’t want to do, that I didn’t feel comfortable with.
Jo was (detail removed by Moderator) but managed to avoid any criminal charges. She stole from work and other places.
Jo has told me over the years about a m*rder that she planned, and that she could get away with it. When she tells this story, I hear the message loud and clear.
My child has visited (detail removed by Moderator) and stayed with us, and Jo’s jealousy has been obvious. I have been (detail removed by Moderator) to visit my child also, and the same issues. Whenever I have had the opportunity to visit, I’ve had to work up the courage to approach the subject. The months leading up would be awful, and the time I was away, I was constantly being contacted. I’d arrive home to mess and dirt.
Jo decided to go to uni and study social work (not the real course). She had problems with all students and tutors and was asked to leave (detail removed by Moderator) placements. She would anonymously email the uni with ‘information’ about other students, getting them into trouble.
Jo has told me of other offences she has committed that I don’t feel able to talk about.
I also know she has harmed animals.
She went through a phase of accusing me of poisoning her (detail removed by Moderator). Eventually, I told her to make her own (detail removed by Moderator). The accusations stopped, but this was after a long time. She would state she was ‘afraid’ of me, and tell her family she was afraid of me.
I had limited contacted with my biological family, but any contact I had, Jo caused issues. These issues effectively cut me off from them.

Throughout the years, if I have been unwell – physically or mentally – I would be ignored or requests of me would increase. She would tell me what things needed doing in the house and would sit and watch me cook, clean, etc, often whilst criticising me. I once broke down and told her it was too much, that she needed to help – she laughed and responded, ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’.
Around (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, I mentioned to her that whenever I was unwell, she would ’emotionally’ disappear, or become ‘unwell’ herself. This has been a constant pattern. She became really angry and said I ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. I never addressed it again.
The area we were living in at the time, Jo had a reputation with health services. She would be at the doctors at least once a week with an ailment. When she was denied referrals, she would hound the doctors until she got the referral; she would then not attend any further appointments.
Jo has had problems with every colleague in every job, never being able to make friends, always blaming the workplace.

We moved (detail removed by Moderator) miles to be near some of her family. Jo quickly built herself the same reputation with health services.
Then covid hit.
The isolation for me was intense. She became more controlling, ‘crying’ when I was leaving for work. When I asked her to not to guilt me, she would say she was joking. She has done this with everything – college, uni, appointments, work. Every time I leave the house, she’s ‘sad’. The times I have stayed at home, she has been all over me. When I am out of the house, she is calling, messaging etc. When she would drive home from work, she would call and want to be on the phone for the entire journey home, whether this was 30 minutes or 3 hours. She would get angry with me when I didn’t know what to talk about.

During covid, the control became so bad, I contacted the local women’s aid. I made plans for them to call me; I told Jo I had a work training day.
Women’s aid never called. It was devastating for me. I emailed them again, they emailed with an apology and the offer to arrange another call time. I declined. It took me weeks to arrange that call, and I simply didn’t have it in me.

We moved again, this time for my work. However, I was made redundant quite soon after this huge move (around (detail removed by Moderator) miles).

The last (detail removed by Moderator) years have been the hardest. When we moved here, the doctors told us they wouldn’t be requesting our medical notes from elsewhere. Jo has had free reign.

I have had some major health problems, requiring surgery, lots of appointments, medical equipment at home. This has massively triggered Jo and she has become unbearable. I’m probably also burnt out from the previous years.
It took me (detail removed by Moderator) months to seek medical advice about a symptom I was having. It transpired I had a condition that needed surgery, life changing surgery. Jo didn’t attend any appointments with me. She would ignore me after my appointments.
I was under the care of (detail removed by Moderator) different hospital departments; (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator) after I came out of hospital from my surgery, Jo sat and watched me cook and clean. I remember going to sit on the bed, crying. I felt so degraded. Unloved. Like a non-person.
(detail removed by Moderator), Jo came in to the hospital with me then got a taxi home after around (detail removed by Moderator). She ‘couldn’t be bothered’ waiting.

I was very mentally unwell at one point, and a psychiatrist suggested I had had a psychosis brought on by (detail removed by Moderator). At this time, Jo was fine. In work, functioning. Within (detail removed by Moderator) of the psychiatrist saying this to me, Jo was sectioned.

All of the above was thought about with hindsight. Jo would deny not supporting me. I still feel mad, like I’m insane. Jo will ignore my MH but then blame it if I try and address issues.

I was diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator). When Jo was sectioned, they said she had a personality disorder. She said she had (detail removed by Moderator). For (detail removed by Moderator), she has suddenly developed symptoms that have never been present before. She has asked me about my symptoms, then claimed to be experiencing them.
I will add here, I have major anxiety regarding health professionals. I am so fearful they won’t believe me. I suspect Jo has portrayed some symptoms as she knows I won’t seek help if she has said she is experiencing these things. I’ll also add, there have been many times I have had an appointment that I couldn’t attend as Jo has had ‘something’ come up.

I recently accessed some counselling, just some support. On my second session, I said to the counsellor, ‘I fully expect my wife to have a MH crisis because I am coming here’. At this time, Jo was back in work, fine etc etc.
I was right. (detail removed by Moderator), Jo started ‘displaying’ symptoms and having contact with MH services.
Each week I would see my counsellor, I would say what I thought the next thing would be. I have been correct every step of the way. Jo even said to me at one point, ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’.

Jo is (detail removed by Moderator) again.

The health professionals are questioning her presentation now, which leaves me feeling odd. I feel vindicated, I’m NOT some horrible person who is invalidating her distress. I think she has a few motivations – she refuses to be emotionally available to me, she needs to centre of everything at all times, and I also believe she actively interferes with my own support.
I contacted women’s aid here, before she was (detail removed by Moderator). I got out of the house, and drove around for 2 hours. I kept pulling over, dialling the number, then hanging up. I eventually managed to stay on the phone.
I spoke for a couple of minutes before the woman interrupted and told ME to contact MH services for MY MH. Again, I was devastated. She didn’t give me any opportunity to describe what I’ve said here. So I’ve given up reaching out to services. I also contacted an LGBT organisation but they haven’t got back to me.

Is it me? Am I the issue? The professionals have already said Jo has a personality disorder. They have *implied* to me, over the phone, that they suspect she is feigning. On our shared laptop, she has searched (detail removed by Moderator).

I have told Jo it is over. I am going to stay with my child and (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator), for almost (detail removed by Moderator) months. She doesn’t believe I won’t come back. She keeps sucking me back in. When I come back from (detail removed by Moderator), I’ll effectively be homeless. I have ensured I have paid the car off, and it’s in my name.
We had a disagreement, and she called me stupid etc. I was like, ‘oh look, there she is’. She didn’t question this. She has also avoided the issue that I have predicted all of this. My counsellor has my notes.

I am in touch with some people, and they are all supporting my leaving, even her mother and sister. People are saying they could ‘see’ what has been happening, but they knew not to push me. I feel stupid, angry, sad. I keep crying. I feel like a shell of who I should be. I realistically know I am grieving something that never existed. She is still word playing with me. She is still in my head.

This is going to end abruptly here as I am tired now. If you have read this much, thank you <3