I’ve left

It’s my first time posting here, but I’ve spent many years trying to accept that my relationship was verbally and emotionally abusive. At the beginning I used to cry but as the years wore on I’d stand up for myself and didn’t like the person I’d become as I wasn’t crying anymore I was angry too. I’m angry at myself because I feel like I’ve known all along that there were serious red flags. I left once before but it’s like I’ve been living with Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde. After every explosive argument I would blame myself for setting it off, feeling I was too opinionated or that I should have picked my battles on saying something. My relationship started to die a number of years ago with me feeling emotionally distant, I no longer felt the same but lived on the hope that things would get better. I refused to believe things were as bad as they were. I saw big life milestones as potential plasters on our relationship that might put us back on the right track, a dog, an engagement, a house and ultimately a marriage. I feel so much shame that people are going to talk about my marriage failing. I felt like my life wasn’t my own and I was living as an extra in his story with nothing ever being good enough, he called me lazy and would constantly blame me for our relationship breaking down as I no longer offered anything or was grateful for how much he did. He blamed multiple jobs for my unhappiness and whilst I’ve had a hard hard time in that regard, he was never emotionally supportive and was distant, we would argue about this and it would turn into world war 3. I’d end up shut in a room upstairs crying while he was shouting and swearing about how miserable his life was with me. I felt for years that my needs weren’t met and his verbal abuse had become normal. He had put holes in the walls of our flat on multiple occasions and on the first occasion I left him he had thrown my clothes everywhere. I remember before I even lived with him there being an incident when he through my (detail removed by Moderator) to the ground in a fit of rage and it broke all my (detail removed by Moderator) inside. I lived my life trying to stand up for myself but slipping further and further into depression. I lost my sense of self. In the end it wasn’t a big thing that made me leave, it was me trying to share that I was anxious and it being blamed on my work once again, I tried to explain we were why and he didn’t explode but gave me the silent treatment. I’d had enough, I couldn’t watch any further years of my life pass me by, the next milestone for us was to be a baby and it had been the heaviest weight to carry that I couldn’t bring a child into this situation, I do want kids but I couldn’t see a future with him and I knew if we did that I would never leave. I left on (detail removed by Moderator), I am incredibly lucky that my mum has known what’s going on all along and my parents are supporting me into the unknown. I’ve asked for a divorce and said I want to sell our house but I’m living here so that I don’t go back into the cycle of forgiving and things never changing. We have a dog so I won’t able to close the book on communication with him as we’ve agreed to share ownership of him. (detail removed by Moderator) he got in touch with me to beg for marriage counselling (I’ve been begging him to get professional help for years) he saw a professional for (detail removed by Moderator) sessions after our first break up then said he was fine now, it ultimately went back to a cycle of abuse. He bought a book in the last year as id been begging him to save our marriage and see someone as he couldn’t do this on his own, to be met with that he didn’t believe in therapy. The book makes an appearance now each time he shares regret for his behaviour. The thing is as I got stronger and would try to stand my ground he started to really shift the blame to me, even in his messages this week it’s been about how he can accept his failing but I’ve not put enough in. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve cried saying I stayed. I’m feeling so vulnerable just now and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what the next steps are but I’ve reached out to citizens advice and I’ve told my friends for support, my work know I’m leaving my marriage and I felt like I had to do that or I would have gone back again. I feel sometimes like I don’t belong here because people have it so much worse than I do, he was never physical. But I feel like I know deep down this is the right thing. I’m terrified about the future since I had a lovely home and it’s starting again after so many years. I also worry about the long term effects this has had on my mental health and mind in general for the future. X*x