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So I left abusive husband and got (detail removed by moderator)! Then we decided to get back together get a home and start fresh.
I had lost family and friends as I thought I needed to let go of negativity towards me trying again.
So tried again with less of my friends and family input and just mutual friends and his family involved.
Now I have had enough! Months of crying and begging to stop and listen but fell on deaf ears.
I came back thinking it’s me he is a lovely person outside of home. Helpful to all and a quite intelligent man.
Everybody loves him.
Behind close doors is different.
Well because I now going through the same motion and now I know it won’t work we fight! Not argue we fight and it’s bad. There is no real love there in these spats. I thought for both parties we need to end this and stop the damage.
Now it’s started. I have not involved anyone just to what I thought a woman to woman trusting chat as I was so down.
I never said anything but how we are toxic together and it’s sad. But I trusted.
Things have got twisted now. I don’t trust no one, now he has turned all his family and friend and mutual friends against me.
He talks loud on the phone and I have told him to stop talking about me but continues. Makes it obvious going outside now and then finishing coming inside.
He wants to destroy me ! He wants a rise out of me so he has evidence I guess. As he told everyone I’m a n********t and toxic and because I left before I moved back to get my own back !
This is not true but he making people believe.
I feel sick I just want to leave.
Sorry it’s a long rant but I’m lost. -
Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes we feel like we need to try again so that we won’t have regrets later on down the line. We all hope that we can make things work and that they will improve but 9 times out of 10, they don’t. You need to find the strength to walk away from this person and stay away. They are clearly no good for you. No relationship should leave you feeling this way. Is there anything tying you to him? Like a house or children? You need to make an exit plan otherwise you will just keep going through the same motion.. sending you lots of strength x
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We split for a few months and we decided to try again !
Got a new home fresh start. Because I love him.
I was stupid as my kids now adults whom grew listening to his abuse told me no, and stupid they thought I was. I thought I could correct the marriage and show them it was me I caused his behaviour outburst. And still do. He so clever I don’t know my own mind any more.
I told him I want a divorce we are not good together ! But it’s next level now.
Turned all our mutual friends against me and his family.
It’s horrific.
I just want to leave, I’m mentally drained now.
I do have friends and so supportive but I don’t want to involve anyone as I feel a burden.
I just wish I was clever enough to fight the good fight.
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It is a very tough situation to get out of. Abusive relationships are very complicated and greatly affects your mental state. Nothing you do seems to make any sense. You can try making a list of all the things you are not happy with as a reminder of why you need to leave. The most important person you need to think about in this situation is yourself. You shouldn’t have to stay in a situation where you constantly feel drained and unhappy. You need to start detaching from them slowly. If you have supportive friends, it’s worth speaking to them. I know what it’s like to feel like a burden but trust me, if they are your friends they will be glad to provide you with the support to leave a bad marriage. Goodluck and you can always come on here for support x
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From my experience, for a number of years, my husband isolated me from my support networks… citing of course, “Oh we’re having problems and your friends are exasperating it!” and gas-lighting me into believing at that time, that my friends were the problem and not him.
And yes, my husband does try to provoke fights. It’s really funny there… he always accuses me of provoking fights but I’ve been tracking and documenting and in fact today, he was trying to find something to fight about.
My husband tries to play himself off to mutual friends as not too clever about things, as an everyday working man just trying to get by too. That is all about the smoke and mirrors he sets out there to try to discredit me. I think his closer friends know better, but outwardly stick with him. But anytime I’ve sent his closest friends a message, “please help me with [x]” … they have. They are ‘his’ friends and not mine, but luckily they’ve got an ounce of integrity and is willing to help. I also notice that my husband ‘calms down’ after anytime he’s spent time with them, where I’m certain my husband is voicing his ‘complaints’ against me, and then they’re putting the world to rights… bringing him back down to reality and hopefully reflecting back to him that at least… my husband hasn’t been fair to me.
Its been precarious yet interesting to witness.
If I didn’t misread the above @Panda23 … it sounds like you confided to someone, another woman — possibly close to your partner who you thought you could trust, and she let you down. Just bury that.
And yes, my husband does try to provoke me too. It’s not nice. My advice is to try to find a mindset where you can simply observe, record, and document everything.
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Hey thanks for posts , it is sad but comforting to hear people going through the same stuff so you get some hope you’re not going mad.
My husband is extremely calculating and clever. I made an awful mistake and drank a glass of wine on an empty stomach ! Could hear him in the phone! Put 2+2 and got 8!
He has recorded me or someone was on other end of his phone for someone to listen to me lose my mind.
I was set up! I was so upset and mad he stood laughing at me knowing what he had done. Everyone believes him and now they have evidence of me losing my mind.
I just wanted respect in my own home.
Go outside and talk about me.
The best of it is I just asked for a divorce because we haven’t had a good relationship for months because of his verbal abuse and how I react to them. He just won’t let me go.
I waiting to leave now. And I have learnt my lesson to stay in my room ! Don’t drink ! Until I leave. -
Oh hey ho! Document that circumstance when your husband set up a situation where you were vulnerable so that it, for his benefit, sounded like you where ‘losing your mind’… no dear, you were drunk. It happens to the best of us. My husband tends to ‘enable’ my drinking to make me look like the weaker one and tries to set up circumstances around that.
You absolutely need to be documenting this circumstance, and any others, with your domestic abuse services, where clearly your husband thinking a few steps ahead in order to exonerate himself while discrediting you… which ultimately exploits you so that he maintains control over you. (Oh yes, abusers are that clever!)
Everyone in this world deserves to be in relationships where they feel safe, loved, and respected. Not that.
I also wanted to say, what husband does this? “He has recorded me or someone was on other end of his phone for someone to listen to me lose my mind.” but then also, do look for Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” … I think you’ll find the answer there. There’s PDF version out on the internet available.
I was also wanting to respond where you say, “And I have learnt my lesson to stay in my room” … Oh no. If the household is yours too, make your space there and stake your place.
From my experience, my husband has actually been doing an act where he has retreated to ‘his room’ and then wants to make it out to sound like he is not welcome to all of the amenities in our household. That is patently false, and I’ve documented that. He just wants to dictate that story in his head because he doesn’t want to do the work to properly support our family, and actually having to recognise what a monster he’s been… in letting me and our children down way too many times, so he needs to make up some fiction so that he can sleep well at night.
Turn it all on its head to shake out the facts and document everything.
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