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I split with my ex a number of years ago. He assaulted me and my children (not biologically his) and used coercive control. We had a child together which he was still allowed access to. He continued to abuse me through access visits and also started playing mental games as the child got older. I ended up taking it back to court where his access was withdrawn. I haven’t seen him or had any direct contact with him since.
I have a hobby that he knows about. We’ll call it knitting. There’s an online forum for local knitting fans. It initially started out just as knitting chat and some of us meet up regularly to participate in knitting. As the site has grown, it’s attracted knitting fans from all over and there’s also non-knitting threads like a DIY/gardening thread, recipes thread, different sports etc. I chat in some of the other topics that interest in me.
My ex knows I love knitting and has turned up on the site. He’s made it obvious it’s him by posting personal information that I can identify him from. He’s made some catty comments about me and told some lies which I have reported to the forum owner. Some have been deleted.
Every time I see his name online, I feel panicked and it triggers off bad memories of the abuse he did to me. It’s just the same as if he started turning up at a local pub I go to or the supermarket I do my shopping in. While it’s not massively abusive, it’s just him being in a place I go to frequently that I find disturbing.
I ran the Police for a general chat and they said there wasn’t much they could do about him just being there and a bit of what they termed “petty name calling.” She made me feel pathetic by saying the Police have more important things to deal with over someone writing petty comments on the internet. I was advised to leave the site and find some where else to post on as there’s plenty of other internet sites out there.
I feel a mix of anger and disappointment that nothing can be done about my ex. He’s deliberately there to make me move on break up friendships as that’s what he did when we were married. I feel like I haven’t escaped from him and I’m still living the nightmare with him watching and trying to control me. It feels like a life sentence as I’m constantly running away from things and looking over my shoulder to make sure he isn’t following me.
How do you get on with life when you can’t get away from your past?
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I’m sorry that you had such a response from the police. It sounds like it could be online abuse, harassment and stalking to me. Like you say, the intention is to isolate and frighten you rather than a bit of name calling.
I wonder if it’s possible to ask the forum admins to block this person especially as they have deleted multiple posts from them? The posts might be useful as evidence for the police if you ever wanted to pursue a harassment or stalking case.
I now live far from my abuser but I would be absolutely horrified if they turned up in a public place whether in person or online especially a place where I had built friendships.-
While it might seem like a good idea to ask a forum admin to block or delete posts from that forum … oh no … keep those posts right there, along with his username and timestamps.
There are some websites that can offer some advice. I did try to research this on @dishpanhands behalf earlier today … and then my husband had other plans… anyhow…
There is a website that @Lisa has recommended before called ‘Rights of Women’. I think that if you find the website, then from their top navigation menu, you can select Get Advice > Read our legal guides > Criminal Law Information > Harassment and the Law /// and/or Revenge Porn, Online Abuse and the Law.
You might see a thing or two that might apply.
It is absolutely terrifying to find an ex on an online forum, more or less stalking you. That sort of thing happened to me a very long time ago, before there was legislation to help women in those circumstances. And while current legislation hasn’t kept pace, its better than what it was the first time I faced that scenario.
Keep strong. Talk to your friends on those forums privately and maybe get their help in witnessing this stalking. That might prove useful in the future. It’s okay to ask friends to help keep you safe.
Sending you strength and confidence there. xX.
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Thanks for the help and support. I will have a look for the Rights of Women site and see what I can find xx
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Let us know how it goes. While looking over forum stuff, this subject makes my blood run cold. I’m very interested in what you discover and can share back there @dishpanhands . xX.
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I filled in a form on National Stalking Helpline. They agreed it is stalking/harassment and sent me a comprehensive amount of information back.
The forum owner will not ban ex. He said he’s deleted the comments I’ve reported and there’s nothing wrong with the rest of his posts. He doesn’t see what the problem is and thinks we can co-exist in peace on the forum. He just doesn’t get it at all 🙁
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I don’t have a huge amount of practical advice as sounds like you’ve done what you can already in contacting police (sorry there response was so unhelpful) and forum owner about what’s happening… though the responses from both these places (that you’d hope would be able to help) don’t sound very helpful…. I’m glad the stalking helpline gave some validation and resources.
It’s a kind of violation that the fear and horror of them just “being there” (whether online, in person or anywhere else that is “yours” without you knowing) feels so un-nerving… I wont go into details here but it’s one of the biggest and most frightening part (moreso than the anger and explosions ) for me…
Take care of yourself
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