When your abusive partner is on a ‘nice’ period

hfh, i am not doing very well at all today but wanted to comment on your post
luckily i didnt have children so cannot give my thoughts about this
but because my counseller specializes in a certain type of abuse i am slowly learning & understanding some things
and although i havent discussed the nice phase, certain things i mentioned made her respond with the word ‘breadcrumbing’
my own thoughts looking back have always been that the nice phase is certainly part of the abusive cycle. it not only confuses you, but keeps you hopeful. and the final result of this hot & cold behaviour is getting you trauma bonded to them. so its actually a very dangerous tactic
i think its interesting if we think back to those nice times where we naturally accepted them as we were so grateful, but what would have happened if we hadnt accepted it – hadnt played along. the manipulation wouldnt have then worked which could have quite easily brought about the abuse once again. because as you have said it is all on their terms
its a slow process but i am finding that understanding what happened & why is helping me so much
i do hope that you & your children slowly but surely recover from this x

Ahhhhh the nice phase!!
This has sucked me in for so long. Just when you think “this is it, this is the change” it comes crashing back to reality. I’m have to keep reminding myself that the nice phase wasn’t real either. It was keeping me sweet. It was doing just enough not to get kicked out. It is doing enough to make you think things are improving so you buy in to the relationship again.
I haven’t seen a nice phase for ages but I’m ok the lookout for it.
I’m so lucky I don’t have kids to worry about with all this.

Just to add….. I am not sure he does it on purpose or not or whether it’s a natural characteristic of an abusive sort of person.I feel like I’m being played with like a puppet though.
Good topic 🙂 x

happybelle I think you really hit the nail on the head there, it isn’t just that its a nice phase its the hope that it is the start of change and a new era

I still haven’t left.

My child is still very little, but over the past few days especially I noticed for sure now that any time my partner is not at home, even my child seems happier. And I don’t know if that’s because when he’s gone I am happier and my child feels that or if there is another reason. There is no son-father bond between them, and that’s his own fault because from the day I got pregnant it was only me who wanted this child (detail removed by moderator) Then after our child was born, he never bothered interacting with him (detail removed by moderator) but any time he tries to interact now, our child always runs away from him and runs to me only on odd occasion my partner is able to pick him up without our child screaming. His trick to other people is he has taken a lot of pictures with our child to ‘prove’ how good of a father he is, when in reality he doesn’t spend more than 10mins with him each day..

I used to love those ‘nice’ phases before, I would think, he truly loves me and he is capable of loving and being a good man etc etc. This was never the case, it was only a bait to keep me on the hook. Now I got to the point that those ‘nice’ moments make me actually cringe. Any time he talks about ‘us’ or tries to talk about our non-existent future it makes my skin crawl, because I know this is all fake, I don’t respond to it now. Or even if he talks about buying something in the future for US, I just refer to it him buying for HIMSELF. And he doesn’t even notice this. He is convinced I’m with him because I want his money or good life from him, when in reality I want £0 from him and all I want is him out of my life forever.

Good topic, that nice phase was what I thought was the ‘real’ him, the one we could get to keep if I just did X, Y, Z and was probably the hardest part to accept as being fake and that it was an impossible dream.

Once I realised, I noticed the nice would often happen to scupper other plans for example I’d arranged to take me and the kids out but then nice would kick in and we’d have to change our plans to do what he wanted. This made the kids nervous of plans as they’d never know if we were going to do what I’d said. Impacting our relationship! But as the same time the nice phase would often be aimed at the kids or my family rather than me, like he’d arrange a movie night and all the trimmings for the kids or fix something for the family – but I’d see in their eyes they were wary. He was too over the top I realise now. He’d also use nice phases as bankers for something else, like I was nice to you yesterday so next day he’d go out all night on a session and I was in the wrong to challenge him – because he’d been nice. Or he’d know he’d breached my limit so I’d get the silent treatment followed by niceness when and only when, he decided.

I thought he was my best friend, but now the thought of everything makes me cringe. My eldest has disclosed they often felt wary or afraid as you’d never know what he was really upto, plus the mask would slip when out of view to the main audience- like he’d say something nasty to my child if I nipped to the loo then be all smiles and sweetness when I came back and my child felt they couldn’t say. They use it as a tool to a) build an image and b) segregate us from others.

Fascinating if you’re not a victim and devasting to realise if you. They are truly devils and we’re just the mouse in their game of cat & mouse.

In a really odd sort of way it would be fascinating to know what is going through their minds. For mine, he will be destitute when I go so I wonder what he thinks when he is being vile. Is it That “she’ll never leave me” or “she’s put up with this so long she’d never do it”. I don’t know. He Will turn into the victim when it all goes wrong. I almost want to do a psychology degree or something now.

I think that the moment my perspective on his nice times shifted was the moment I resolved that I wanted out. I spent a while still in the relationship after I realised that there was abuse and because I could no longer stomach his behaviour his ‘bad’ behaviours escalated off the charts… but it was the nice phases that shook me the most once I started paying attention.

I realised a few things:

– the niceness felt just as pressuring to me as the explosions. He was setting the tone and I felt like I absolutely had to play along

– the niceness appearing was often bizarrely inappropriate for the context. After a bad event such as we had, it would have been normal for things to feel tense or difficult for a while, but instead he would often flick to sunshine and rainbows. It was like a way to shove aside my right to be upset with what had happened

– there was no stability in the nice mood. It couldn’t be trusted to stay so there was no safety in it. He still had everything on his terms because I was afraid of shattering the pleasant atmosphere

– his ‘nice’ moods were the only time I was at risk of being sexually coerced. Really nice huh.

– I actually started to feel safer when he was being mean because it felt honest

Im not sure i like it. Yes i often am grateful for the rest a chance to calm myself down but i feel guilty if he makes me laugh or is kind I feel like a fraud i doubt myself i think its all in my head and all the time im waiting almost hoping for him to turn again so i can try and believe again. Its sick and twisted i know but i cant help it.
Ive tried for so long to fight the idea that he is the A word im still fighting it now when hes nice i just tell muself see it is all you, you are just crazy and selfish.
But like i said sometimes like now hes been horrific I need a break I say yes to sex or to whatever just to make him happy so I get a break its a tough subject hard to get your head round I guess not sure I ever will. Xxxx

Hi all ..not sure how to write ..but I will try
I am a survivor I have lived in hiding very long time
I met someone after about (detail removed by Moderator) yrs on my own
(detail removed by Moderator)…but I’m slowly becoming more unsafe little bit at a time
We have been as we are for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs
It now is nasty more than nice
Slow chipping away my confidence wanting me to only be around him
Explosion of angry then very nice
He hears every sound I make so I’m resorted to creeping around in my little
Flat ..can’t say home because long since felt. Like that
Infront of others he is very charming and nice
He in private .. control my everyday
He has it so we eat together and then watch tv..he also expect me to eat what ever he makes
When heisis nice it will be a dinner
I am slow dying inside ..because I can’t breathe
He sleeps (detail removed by Moderator) ..but will expect me straight away downstairs at (detail removed by Moderator)
Won’t be able to come back up here till very late
He drinks a lot
The life is being slowly sucked out of me
He knows I can’t just go out …
Food is ordered delivery
And most of the time it’s not what I would want
He has to agree for me to pay my bills etc
I now have no friends and rarely go out as he times me
I’m tired ..this was supposed to be a safe address
But it is now prison without bars
I tried to get him to move out but he refused
And shouts at me I’m like a carer
I’m sorry if this is a bit criptic
But I’m trying to be careful how I write
Without giving identification of me etc
I have been long in writing
This is my second survivor situation
As my first means a safe address
If any one reads this Thankyou

This is my struggle, in the nice phase he’s amazing and when he’s not, it’s awful. We’ve had a nice phase from (detail removed by Moderator) until (detail removed by Moderator), it’s been great and I think we are getting somewhere and going to have a good future, I start to make plans in my head but then when he just randomly starts in me think what am I doing? Why do I put up with this.
I’m secretly praying he’ll be nice to me tomorrow and we can get back on track.