Is this abuse? ** years in relationship and now only see it? Or am I wrong?

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read my post. So my partner and I have been together almost (detail removed by Moderator) years, been a very tumultuous relationship, v up and down, moving house lots, arguments etc.

I have felt I’ve wanted to leave for years but felt trapped for various reasons, when I say I’m not happy and indicate I want to leave my partner has blown up, begged me to stay or threatened to end their life. At the time I genuinely felt scared that I had no choice to stay. Looking back now I realise it’s not right.

I’m only realising the signs now as I’ve started seeing a therapist due to becoming so mentally unwell and they are pointing out that I could be in an abusive relationship.

It’s been a long process but I’m perhaps now starting to see the signs? Still, I’m in some denial and in a pattern of blaming myself.

Looking back, right at the start the relationship felt ‘off’ they were very quick to move in, gushing with over the top gestures, talking about marriage v early on, it made me feel pressured and uncomfortable but I believed it was me (still do?) and I was the problem as have experienced trauma in the past and thought I am just guarded. But it just felt off. The outbursts started early too, smashing things, spitting in my face, shouting, slamming doors. She always said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and I thought nothing of it (She’s a woman btw – I’m a woman too, (detail removed by Moderator) with a woman.)
I lack confidence and just always wanted to please, doing everything I could to keep her happy. She would always apologise and we move on, I just naively let it happen. She’s very attractive and has a fun, vivacious personality- it doesn’t add up to what my mum or others would see on the outside. My mum said she was the best thing that happened to me which adds to the confusion but I don’t think she see’s behind closed doors.

Years on we moved away from family and friends to start a small business to a more affordable area, bigger house etc, this has isolated us even more and the outbursts continued.

(detail removed by Moderator) she would punch, pinch, intimidate more than usual, never in the face just on arms etc I would sometimes retaliate- I told her if it carried on we are over. She stopped. As could see I’m at the end of it. I feel after this roles reversed a bit? I started standing up for myself more shouting back, hitting back. I’m not proud of it but do feel that when I gave it back she would back down.

(detail removed by Moderator) months ago she was in a dark place due to her (detail removed by Moderator) ending their life in a horrific way, she threatened again to end her life and then a few weeks later had a massive outburst and I had to wrestle her to stop taking pills, (detail removed by Moderator) we went to hospital after had taken an unknown amount. Thankfully she was fine. Since then I felt awful and she’s always made me feel responsible as I didn’t care enough and wasn’t there for her enough.

After another outburst I told her I needed space. She hates being alone and takes it as rejection and says that I’m cold selfish and unloving for wanting space but sometimes I feel I had no time to think as our relationship was so suffocating. After this she openly went on dating sites, I gave up at this point and let it happen and I went on to message other people also – as I’ve felt so trapped and saw this as a way out (I had been thinking this also for a while as just so unhappy and trapped.)

I felt so guilty after this and made to feel it’s my fault. That I wasn’t there for her enough (even though I was with her (detail removed by Moderator)) I became so mentally ill as we are trapped in the same house with a business.
I started therapy as felt needed to fix things and be better in the relationship and that needed to change things in my personality and be more outgoing.

Since this, I constantly have felt judged and felt needed to change, anything I do I felt wasn’t good enough, walking on eggshells etc not to upset her.

Throughout the months she has many outbursts accusing me of being crazy pathetic useless, and that I’m s***e in bed etc etc.
Implying I’d be a bad mother just nit picking at everything.

So (detail removed by Moderator) ago she had another outburst it got so bad I genuinely thought she could stab me when I was in the (detail removed by Moderator). I had this feeling of fear as was just defenceless.

She said in a rage we are over she doesn’t want to be with me xmas and she’s going back on dating sites and that it’s all my fault. I don’t know exactly what provoked it but feel I can’t say anything when she’s raging.

I don’t know what for but I’ve realised now she always finds a way to make it my fault, In the past I see the pattern she would say sorry it will never happen again and be all lovely then I just forget or think I caused it.

So here I am again. Last straw? Want to be at home alone for Xmas rather than with her and her family, but now unsure how to get out of it without her turning everything on me.

I can’t go back, still I’m struggling now even feeling sorry for her and wanting to help feeling like maybe I could do more, that I haven’t been loving enough, that I’ve lashed out back too, that I’ve also got insecurities and anxiety. We are just stuck in the house separate rooms not talking now, it makes the guilt creep in. Argh.

I keep hanging on thinking it could change maybe I can help the situation or do more… but this happens again and again.

Now, How do I get out? She’s calm now and feel I can talk to her honestly but I know the blame will start coming and it make me question the truth and because I’m insecure I fall for it. I had months of being ill taking bland feel tormented by it.

How do I keep my strength and see for what it is? Am I causing this? Am I not loving enough? Too insecure? I feel strong for once like I understand but The longer I’m in my own thoughts, the more confused I’m becoming.