Just posting for sanity reasons

Hi thepoppygirl,

Understandably you are feeling confused as it sounds like you have been ‘putting a face on’ as you say, for some time and feeling all trust and energy is gone for you in the relationship, while your partner takes no responsibility for how you are feeling (and even blames you by the sounds of it).

You’re not going to get resolve or validation from a partner that is abusive and refuses to acknowledge how they treat you. It’s going to feel like gaslighting. The best you can do for yourself is focus on what you truly want, what you feel you need now, moving forward.

You say also you do not feel ready to leave. It’s important you do what you feel is best and in your own time. Just know you are not ‘going crazy’, or to question your sanity. If you ever want to engage a bit more one-on-one with a support worker and talk these feelings through, do contact your local domestic abuse service. Often they have support groups or one-on-one support sessions, that may bring a sense of clarity for you on how to move forward. Workers will not tell you what to do. This is about you coming to that conclusion yourself, when it feels right.

Hopefully others will soon come forward here for you as well, offering their insight and experience, which will no doubt help. You are not alone in what you are feeling.

Take care,

Lisa

Hi poppy girl,

your post makes so much sense to me. The feeling of being manipulated but not being able to exactly pinpoint how and why. Unfortunately, they are very good at making their decisions or opinions seem like your own.

But firstly, to be blamed for ‘holding back on affection’ is abuse. you owe no one affection other than yourself. If you have tried to communicate your concerns and it’s the same standard response, it’s likely abuse. they know what to say, they know how to turn it back on you.

But it’s okay not to be ready.
I am in the same situation, Ive known and spoken to friends / family for a while now about the reality of our relationship, also having similar thoughts in my own mind, but I too am not ready to leave. and that’s okay. Just look after yourself.

Your head is confused because he has likely made it that way, its normal for your mind to really really want the situation to be something else, to try and convince yourself maybe its the other way round, but I promise you its not. This is not about me, but following an argument with my partner recently I messaged a friend telling her I thought I was a psycho, it’s how they make you feel and its so so powerful.

But please, keep posting (I know sometimes you dont get many replies and it can make it a bit daunting or feel helpless but people are here), talk to your friends- if you can’t, talk to yourself. I’ve started sending myself WhatsApp VM and then archiving the chat just in case he checks my phone. I simply say what I would want to tell a friend.Ive also recently started a brief journal on my laptop, ive saved it to look like a work document to avoid any suspicion (See what I mean about psycho lol).

You will find a way to hear your heart.

We are here. Look after yourself x

Hi,

I hope you’re okay and know you’re not alone. It’s so confusing being in a relationship that has its good parts but really bad parts too. I too feel so numb and in like a dissociative state, I read that it’s usually as your emotions and feelings are met with more conflict in toxic relationships so you learn to bottle it all up , leading to you becoming numb to them. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice as i’m in the exact same situation but i’m sorry and here to talk if you need to, but you are sane! It’s just a coping mechanism I think 🙁

I would suggest hotlines or counsellor. It’s very hard to know initially. They are in all shapes and forms appearing loving one moment then not.

I too was gaslighted but it was not a known term at time.