S**t. What have I done…..

Hi nbumblebee,
Your situation mirrors mine exactly from a few months back. Unfortunately I let him talk me round, and still now keep going back and forth about whether I’ve taken this all too far and actually we’re both just toxic. However, I wrote a list a while ago about things he’s done to me, and I keep going back to it every now and again in order to not let myself forget.. it is abuse I’ve been experiencing! It’s really helped me, as many women on this forum say, the gaslighting makes you so confused about true and false.
He too asked if I think he’s abused me, and I also said no out of fear. I’ve ended up stuck here and regret so much not following through with my plans to leave.
Please keep going, I’ve read some of your other posts too, you’re doing the right thing!xx

Nbumblebee I can hear how worried you are..please, this is all part of his control…dictating who goes where… him agreeing to counselling and already setting the narrative that he is abusive because of a past trauma is not what this is about is it… he is already setting the scene with his trauma as an excuse to be so nasty, he is already setting the stage for himself with excuses ready.
No, you are not a b****, why do you feel like you are in the wrong nbumblebee?
Mostly it is advised not to go to joint therapy when with an abuser (I did do this with my husband, it was my personal therapist I found, we went together and then HE saw my therapist on his own and I didn’t go anymore as he managed to push me out!

I am not going to lie, he is still in control when in fact it is you who has been working so hard on yourself, you have grown so much since you joined this forum lovely… him not wanting your (detail removed by moderator) to look upon his behaviours as bad is all part of the N word and an abuse tactic… you know the truth and it is upto you not him what you disclose to her.

He may have been ‘nice’ for (detail removed by moderator) but as you say it feels false..that’s because it is false… he has been abusive towards you for many years, (detail removed by moderator) of strained ‘nice’is (detail removed by moderator) of him not obviously abusing you… even if he apologised would that make up for the years of abuse?

Trust your gut nbumblebee and keep posting…

HFH ❤️

I’ve pm’d you nbumblebee x

In I come with perspective again 🙂

Look at it another way – If the root cause of all this is his trauma then why is he wanting to go to counselling together and not alone. You wouldn’t fix your neighbours car if yours broke down.

Why is he only talking about getting help NOW and never before, and why do you have to take responsibility for him getting that help.

Why, when he knows you’re upset and thinking of leaving is he being nice now and why does he think you’d want sex right now?!

If you’re in the wrong for thinking it’s abuse, why are you too scared to answer his question honestly.

The answer to all of the above is he’s still in control, he’s still pulling the strings regardless of your thoughts & feelings and he’s doing what he has to, to make you ‘forgive & forget’. He’s being nice so you’ll say it’s ok. I’d put money on him suddenly having to work or be ill when that appointment comes through or he’ll go just once and say it’s not for him.

Like everyone else, I had this stage – his health, his mental state, his job, his family’s health all as reasons for his behaviour – and each time I said ok it’s not his fault…but it was. As always there’s no rush, notice he’s rushing you right now. x

Bananaboat your a strong woman, i dont know anything what you have been through, but your words are strong, and we as woman, what we have to deal with, make us that way. xx

your partner refused to go to counselling alone for his own problems but has agreed to couples counselling. yet its true that couples counselling is rarely suggested or advised when abuse is involved. i think its because in truth this is not a joint problem & also due to the abusive partners manipulation. therefore this type of counselling could be quite damaging for you – as its quite possible you will be made to feel responsible in some way
so to be honest, even contemplating doing this is very concerning x

@nbumblebee , I wish nothing but the best outcome for you whatever you wish for . Sending hugs.

This sounds so much like my ex. You feel like you have a breakthrough and they heard you, they talk about how they will get help and they need support. And once you’ve calmed down, they start to find reasons why they don’t need to get that help after all. And its on you to then pick it up and we don’t want to do that because its such a relief when there isn’t any tension that we don’t want to be the ones who create it!

Mine did go see his doctor once, told him he was depressed and was referred to counselling. He came back from his assessment and declared that he had ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and they had said there was nothing wrong with him. They are absolute masters of deception and they lie so easily. Most importantly they lie to themselves. And they believe it which is why I’m sure they are so good at convincing us.

I think I knew deep down for a long time that he wasn’t going to get help but it took me a lot longer to accept that it wasn’t my responsibility to fix him and that it was not ok for him to treat me the way he did, even if he did have mental health issues. Because he was not prepared to get treatment for those issues. After I told him it was over, he said I’d not given him a fair chance and that I’d given up without doing couples counselling. I think he thought that would make me feel guilty but it didn’t as by this point I knew that couples counselling would just be another opportunity for him to repeat the story of our life together that he believes is true – the one where he is the victim of my selfishness and his behaviour is a reaction to all of the things that I did that made him feel unloved. And I wasn’t prepared to give some stranger the opportunity to be convinced by him that he was right. It was too risky.

I hope you are getting some support from your counsellor.
xx

Keep putting one foot in front of the either nbumblebee, you’re being so strong. Ignore that PT, he’s a personal trainer, not a psychologist,or even a person educated about the dynamics of abuse. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Really really well done for opening up to your counsellor and your mum. That took so so much bravery. You are so brave, even though you might not feel it. Bravery is feeling the fear and pushing through it. You have done that time and again and will continue to do so. So very proud of you.

Some specialist support could make all the difference to you. Maybe try to consider reaching out to your local DA service. They won’t push you into doing anything but you really deserve additional support. I understand how challenging that might feel, not only in moving closer to acknowledging that what your experiencing is abuse, but also in allowing yourself to believe that you are worthy and deserving of support, just as much as anyone else.

And you do deserve support. We are all here for you, whatever you decide. Sending love and light on your hero’s journey xx