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I got away from a very bad situation a few years ago. It was messy and a long road but I survived, moved on, went through a lot of therapy and have come out the other side. I’m now happily married as of last year, and really thought I had finally healed.
At the weekend I found out that he was cheating on me while we were together.
At first, I was fine. Now it has settled in, I realise it has knocked me back. I also found out that he is cheating on his current partner.
I really want to tell her, and help her get out, but I know I cannot get involved. I really found it hard to heal, thinking that I had given up on us, longing for him and the good times. N**********c abusers are very good at this type of addiction and manipulation. I want to confront him, let him know that I know. I also know that I can’t do this. I wrote a letter to him which I will never send but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m so desperate to do something, but hate the fact that he has any control over me and my emotions still, having put in so much work to heal (not that that has all gone, I am in a very healthy space now days). I’m just frustrated and confused at my reaction (that I reacted at all). Time’s a healer, and in some aspect, his infidelity set me free. Cold hard facts that I wasn’t the crazy one, and it was right to leave (all the other abuse aside).
How can I process this?
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Hi Chihiro
I don’t think it necessarily happens all in one go, it’s like anything significantly traumatic, it can bob up from time to time. This recent discovery is a pretty big trigger, would be for anyone, and suddenly all the old familiar horrible feelings surface again. Give yourself some time to let them work through, they will.
Our brains are good at working through stuff, in many ways without us! That’s what brains do, but it can be tiring and just letting it get on with it, then if any emotions come up, know that they will pass too.
There are layers of grieving, as there are with death.
Keep yourself in the here and now, with your new partner, life is every bit different to how it was. You are in a different space now, and yes, you have powerful memories, work to let them go. Have patience for yourself and put yourself first.
Do you believe that your ex’s new partner would want to hear this from you? Would they believe it from you? She’s with him and maybe he will be able to just gaslight the hell outof her anyway, and it could potentially further inflame escalations for her from him.
Look after yourself, and celebrate how far you have come.
warmest wishes
ts
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