Is this abuse? Looking for advice/encouragement

Hi Hopeful101,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support here. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

You may also find it helpful to contact your local domestic abuse service to explore their support options as they can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support to help with planning to leave safely. You can find details of your local service here.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

Hi hopeful101 I am in similar position. My partner has no gambling addiction but has threatened if I leave he will take the kids. (detail removed by moderator) How does that give u an advantage all children need is love. He thinks that money is everything. I tried to leave (detail removed by moderator) and he got very nasty and physical. I thought that day that I had to accept that was my life and I couldn’t ever escape but after joining this forum I have gained strength to realise it is possible to. It’s taken a long time and there are some great woman on here with great advice. I hope you’re ok. X

Hi @hopeful101

This is absolutely abuse you are experiencing. As an outsider who has had to learn a lot about domestic abuse, the patterns of abuse are clear as day from your post.

Feeling confident about whether or not you are being abused is incredibly difficult – it’s an almost universal experience among DA survivors to have had doubts. It’s confusing not just logically, but the experience of living through it confuses your brain chemistry!

Have you read “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft? There’s a section on gambling and he also talks through the root of the moodiness and how it relates to underlying abusive values. I found it so clarifying when I was still trying to figure out my situation.

Another thing that helped me tremendously was speaking to the Women’s Aid helpline. I was able to just word vomit my situation and doubts, and they helped me to make sense of my situation. I was scared to call because I felt guilty – like I was wasting a resource I wasn’t sure I needed – but looking back it saved my life.

These men like to say that they will take the children from you – it’s a lie. They can’t. The likely worst case scenario you’re dealing with is the prospect of him getting 50:50 split care. While that sounds scary, the children will benefit from living in a home free from abuse 50% of the time. At the moment, as much as you try to protect them and influence his behaviour around them, you can’t truly do that. The more you can document as you go along, the less likely it is that he would win much contact time with the children.

Even if you think you might stay, start documenting as much as possible (while staying safe). I kept a notes file in my phone for the final 2 months of the relationship and when I read it back I was stunned by how much abuse there was being witnessed by or directed at our child. At the time I thought I was shielding our child. I even felt silly writing it down because it seemed like minor things. Social services have since taken that journal very seriously and determined that our child should have minimal contact with their father. I also eventually got the courage to go to the police and that helped immensely as well.

I won’t pretend that it’s easy; having a child with an ex who is abusive is extremely difficult. The abuse doesn’t fully end if you still have contact with him. That said, I’ve found so much peace since leaving that even though there are big stressors and ongoing abuse, I am 100% better off.

He may well take you to family court, and it can be very stressful, but you will probably be surprised by how well you can represent yourself. It’s worth finding out if you qualify for legal aid. If you don’t, there are other options for family court – you could hire a McKenzie friend for example, who are experts in family court but far cheaper than solicitors. You can also represent yourself and many do – it requires research and finding some initial support but it’s very doable. Family court feels a little more informal and accessible than you would imagine a criminal court to be.  Ultimately it comes to evidencing the safeguarding risk that he poses – which you can do if you write everything down now.

Happy for you to DM me if you want to talk anything through xx