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A few months ago I was completely clueless about the abuse in my relationship. Well, not completely. My body and heart knew long before my brain did. I’ve started on this path now and as we all know, can’t unsee it now. The more research and reflecting I do the more I see, remember, realise.
I’ve started keeping a log of everything, from the red flags at the beginning of the relationship when he accused me of cheating, then reacting horribly when he was given an inquisition by caring family members of mine, to how he manipulated things when our first child was born which lead to a long drawn out process with feeding a sleeping. How during those baby blues and I was tired and unsupported he verbally attacked me. How he didn’t return home until after 8pm (so he could go to the gym) every night, leaving me to navigate life with a new baby on my own for months. How he refused to give me respite looking after 2 young children full time while also studying.
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So many more. And now to present day and things aren’t going his way and I’ve woken up to the financial and emotional manipulations, sexual coercion, and so on, that I’ve experienced since entering this relationship.
I’ve been in denial, struggling with cognitive dissonance, and disbelief, shock, shame, trying to make sense of it all. And now I finally realised what’s wrong. Everything. I thought he was a truly good person. Even through all of this, I thought they were just blips. big blips, but blips all the same.
I’m on a path and everything is speeding up. I feel like I’m fixated and wonder if I need to slow down and yet again play devil’s advocate. Give him some leeway. But I can’t talk to him about it, because he’ll do what he always did. So I guess I just need to grey rock until I am in a position to move on.
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It’s a huge thing to realise, and they say once those rose tinted glasses slip and you see stuff you can’t unsee it. It can feel like a snowball effect and you just want to get out, but remember you’re in control and if safe to do, you can know you’re in an abusive relationship but take time to prepare to leave. You recognise more stuff now, I found I took his words less to heart and would react differently to him pushing the buttons. I also found it easier to say no or that’s not ok – realising he was going to tantrum whatever I did. Look after yourself because realising this stuff is hard, and they’ll come a stage where you’re angry. There’s lots of help out there and if you can, maybe work through your thoughts, discoveries & options with a counsellor. x
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It’s such a painful realise right, and it takes time. The process is tough, but glad that it’s moving forward. Well done on holding on and taking care your kids despite hardships. Cheer yourself up with sth you like to do and eat, and meanwhile it may help to connect with other survivors and read sth more about abuse and prepare your next move. Pls remember that you’re not alone x
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